Random Rim Jobs

11:51 P.M.

I’m bored.  I keep losing at cards.  Henry hasn’t called tonight.  I have a blister on my finger.  Lori’s a fucking cunt.  Henry called me at work today.  I think my upstairs neighbors deal drugs.  They leave at around midnight two nights in a row now.  Last night they came back an hour later.  I’ll see what they do tonight.  Laura might come over with Matt.  I do not like being bored at all.  My house is clean so I can’t to that.  Guess I could eat. But I don’t want to ’cause I’m already fat enough.  Lori wrote me up for having too many personal calls.  She and K.C. make them too so she can fuck herself – which I’m sure she does ’cause if I were her husband I wouldn’t touch her with someone else’s dick.  I want to be alone with Henry and just look at him.  I wonder if he even thinks that I think about him so much and I think he’s so good-looking.  Does he even suspect?  Does he think I’m good-looking?  Does he think about me a lot?  Does he think about kissing me?  Does he want to have sex with me?  I want to know, damn it.

DON’T KNOW THE DATE OR TIME OR ANYTHING EXCEPTTHIS FUCKING CAT WONT STOP MOVING I THINK I’M DONE.  THE CAT MUST BE ON SOMETHING ITS SMOKEY.  THIS THING WILL END SOON I HOPE YEST FUCK SHIT

WHEN WILL THIS STOP.  JOCELYN HAD A BABY GIRL

7:48 AM

Right now it’s too much bother to explain but I can still feel it sort of I want to sleep but I have to go to work.  Lord have mercy my jaw is just so sore I’ve been clenching

[I found this undated tidbit amongst some papers. It is undated but I believe it's from the time the Ex and his stupid (literally; I'm not just being petulant) girlfriend lived with me. I am, thankfully, not in this place any longer. I'm so happy now, due in no small amount to the Viking.]

I hate you for fucking me.

I hate that you’re not repulsed by me.  I hate that you think I’m sexy.  I hate you.  I hate that you find me interesting.  I hate that you like me.  I hate that you’re willing to fuck me.  I hate you.  I hate that you feel helpless.  I hate that you are so fucking stupid.  I hate that you have no ambition.  I hate that you’re so disgusting.

I hate you for trying to cheer me up.  I hate your voice.  I hate you.  I hate that you’re nice to me.  I hate that you find me charming.  I hate that you don’t call anymore.  I hate that you don’t give me a reason.  I hate.

I hate that you look like your mother.  I hate that you can’t be responsible.

I hate that this is life.  I hate that I can’t blame this on hormones.

I hate myself.

We, or actually I, was talking about Rod Stewart and was looking out loud for a song and Henry said, “Do you think I’m sexy?” and then started singing it and he said, “No, not the song, I was really asking, do you think I’m sexy?”  So I said plain and simple, “Yes.”  And then I sort of changed the subject and I was telling him that I liked it when he sounded athorative [sic.] but I was laughing so now he’s afraid his kids’ll laugh at him.  This is the worst my body has ever looked and it’s only going downhill.  Bodies can and do keep getting worse.  Well, I have a little mini vacation coming.  Good I’m tired of working and I hate my job.  Or do I really?  I don’t like getting bored.  I don’t like putting books away.  I don’t like customers when I don’t like them.  I don’t like Lori.  K.C. makes me depressed – the woman’s never had a boyfriend and I doubt that the thought of a girlfriend has seriously crossed her mind.

Henry said something sexual – about blowing – to me.  It was very funny.  Asked me if I knew how.  I lied and said yes.  It really was a joke that had nothing to do with what you’re thinking.

… You worthless bitch

You fickle shit …

… I’ll still be here as strong as you

and walk away in spite of you …

Bauhaus

I wonder if he actually considered my answer to the sexy question.  If I would have pressed then, he probably would’ve passed it off as a joke.  These rice cakes taste like crap and they’re getting stuck in my teeth.  My little baby is very cute.  I think she’s growing.  With the amount of food she eats she should be.

When I mentioned a group he didn’t know very well, he said, “I’m not really familiar with their stuff.”  How formal and when he says “I don’t really care for it.”  Oh.  I don’t know why things like that get me off but they do.  How each time we get on the phone he does something different.  When he raises his voice.  Whenever he tells me what to do.  When he says my name.  His voice deep slow calm.  Not dumb sounding like he really has nothing to say.  He’s not always saying weeell and uuuh that’s very annoying.  Gosh I really do like him.  But have a just talked myself into it?  If so oh well ’cause I like him now.  A lot.  I think about him and I do get dreamy-eyed ’cause I just want to be in his arms.  Goofy I know.  I want to kiss him for hours.  What does he want from me?  Are we ever going to have sex?  Am I ever going to have sex?  DJ says there are so many that looking back you wonder how you could have looked ahead wondering.  Will that sentence ever make sense?  I want to have a baby and Henry wants to have kids now so he can do stuff with them while he’s still young.  Is that a perfect match or what?  You’d think we went to a computer dating service or something.  I match my sheets.  I like this color.  My eyes are half shut.

7:04 P.M.

I eat too much too late at night.  Cleo’s waste is becoming more solid – good, she goes where I have to clean it up.  I’ll have to put newspapers down tomorrow.  I want some food.

My little baby is so sweet.  I have to film stuff to send to [Step-Sister]‘s graduation celebration.  Or maybe I should go.  Shit I don’t know.  It’s all so dull.  I want a car.  I want to go for a drive.  I want more money.  I want the cat shit smell to go away and now.  Why does she have to be such a monster?

8:42 PM

Henry finally called me. We hadn’t talked since Wednesday night.  I’m going to an L.A. party with Laura and Vidal.  My sweet little baby is so cute.  I’ve already had two shots of tequila and I’ll probably have more.  We have tickets to Lollapalooza (I don’t think anyone knows how to spell it.) Beth, me, Francie, Roxanne and two other people I don’t know.  There went number three.  I’m gonna be sloshed.  My baby was on my shoulder.  She’s very cute.  I don’t want to go to work tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday.  I was mad at Henry for not calling me but as soon as I heard his voice I couldn’t be angry.  That’s not good.  I think he was going to ask if he and Dave could come over here or something but he didn’t ask soon enough ’cause I had already said yes to Laura.  I’m not going to say no to anyone because Henry might call or Henry might ask me somewhere ’cause he won’t.  If he wants my time, he’ll have to ask me ahead of time like he did for Duchess de Sade.  He’ll learn not to take advantage of the fact that I have no social life.  My baby plays with everything now.  She really likes my feet – to attack them because I’m walking.  Henry couldn’t remember when he had seen me drunk – he thought it was at his house.  So he couldn’t remember but in the background Dave said at Duchess de Sade and I told Henry that Dave was right.  But how would Dave know?  He wasn’t there.  But obviously Henry does talk about me.  Yippee.  I’d like to talk to Dave to find out what Henry says about me.  Or get Laura to when we go camping – if we’re still going.

12:09AM

I don’t want to listen to Peblo Bryson.  Erica called me.  We had a nice talk – she about Michelle and her fighting me about Henry.  She really wants me to go up there but I don’t want to.  Cleo gets poop on her butt.  Henry hasn’t called.  We had a nice conversation – I was being a friend and I really didn’t feel jealous.  Cleo purrs very loudly.  I wish Henry would call me.  I want to put everything out on the line – to tell him how I feel.  But I guess he’s not gonna call.  I’ve totally broken out – I had better look better by camp time.  I have an interview at Nautilus Aerobics Plus tomorrow at 5:30.  I’m not real nervous but I would like to have the job.  The cat is very loud.  I have to get another pair of tweezers for my Swiss Army knife tomorrow – they’re only $1.25 I guess I can afford that.  I’m glad her little collar has a bell so I know where she is.  Channel 4 doesn’t come in very well.  Maybe this summer I’ll go up there.  But when I want to and when I’m ready.  My bed is shot – it goes backwards when I sit on the edge and when I’m in the middle I think it’s gonna fold in on me.  Oh well maybe I should call Mom to ask what I should do.  Get rid of all my furniture and get pillows to put all over – that’s what Henry suggested.  I’m thinking about it – turning it into a hippie pad.  NOT.  I am thinking about it but not to be a hippie.