Random Rim Jobs

Sugar and I were talking about how much her mother and my step-mother were clean freaks.  Because we grew up in such environments we know what clean is but we certainly don’t want to do it ourselves.  As well, we had been talking about how sad and pathetic tiny dicks are.  We decided it would be fun to have permission to not only make fun of a guy’s tiny dick, but also to make him clean while we humiliated him.  We placed an ad on Craig’s List under Casual Encounters ww4m.  Before the ad was flagged and removed – despite the fact that it violated none of the terms of use – we received dozens of responses.

As per usual with Craig’s List, there were some responses that simply wanted sex, such as this one:

I don’t know about my cleaning skills ….but I will gladly come over and fuck both you silly right now on this rainy Sunday.

Or this one, from, I kid you not, dear readers, Elvis Presley:

i want a 3some

Elvis was nice enough to include a couple of photos so we could determine if we wanted to engage in said threesome.  The photo with the bottle looks like he wants a threesome that includes cock.  We didn’t bother responding to Elvis, but apparently he’s not only still alive but still randy.

There were several who didn’t know what the fuck a house slave was, such as this one titled “I will be your slave!!!!!”:

Hey there!!
I noticed your posting and was wondering if you want to play??
I am totally down for anything you can handle, I might be kinkier than youre ready for hahah jk   Here is a nice idea: I would love to bend you over and fuck you really proper soo hard and deep while I play with your pussy, and grab your tits and hair, then turn you around slap my thick cock in your mouth and face fuck you soo good and make you deepthroat my cock until your eyes water and you gag on it, then I will pull it out of your mouth and slap it between your tits and fuck them till I cum all over your Face and Tits!!!! Can we play now??

After I accused him of not knowing how to read he assured me that he was a sub and would happily serve us.  Too late.

Then there’s this guy who along with giving himself a lame nickname and spelling poorly referred to himself in the third person:

Shazam!!!  Oh master, Balldor is so excited!  Balldor will not dissapoint you.  I’ll be eagerly waitng for further instruction.  Thank you so much for this opportunity to please you.  I can’t wait to meet my new  masters!

He was actually a pretty good-looking guy, but one of his photos inexplicably showed him with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, looking a little Downsy.

We had quite a few responses that told us to call them.  Uh, we don’t take orders, we give them.

This one is just plain goofy:

Hey ladies and hey babies !
What’s cooking?
I’m down to earth person

Wow….that is a very interesting proposition…but VERY scary!!  Lol  I never knew there are women out there like that.  I mean I do like cleaning but damn……You ladies make it scary.  hahahah.

P.S Though you are very pretty.. 

We had many serious responses as well.  So many that Sugar suggested we conduct interviews.  What an excellent idea.

When coordinating schedules to accommodate everyone’s needs things can be put off, sometimes forever.  However, when dealing with people who want to be told what to do, the best thing is to simply tell them what to do.  I emailed a number of the serious respondents and told them to submit to an interview/tryout on the following Saturday.  Those who responded to the call to service were given my address and a time to arrive.

I scheduled each potential slave for a half-hour session.  Fourteen interviews/tryouts were scheduled on the hour and half from 1:30pm until 8pm.

I swear.  True story.

[True story that will, of course, continue.  Details of slave tryouts to come.]

My sister suggested I use Adult Friend Finder to find people to fuck.  Yes, my sister and I do tell each other about our casual sex pursuits.  I had not been having bad luck with Craig’s List, it’s just that San Francisco is a small town for a big city, and the population of people who use Craig’s List for casual sex is even smaller.  I had been getting responses to my ads from guys I had no interest in seeing again, much less fuck again.

I posted a profile on Adult Fried Finder and waited.  I got several responses, mostly from creepy old couples far out in the East Bay.  I made the mistake of being honest by saying that I was a single bisexual woman willing to participate in threesomes, what I’ve since learned is referred to as a unicorn because my kind is so rare.

One guy I met turned out to be a very nice guy.  I’ve dubbed him Lunch Guy because we usually go to lunch, have a couple of drinks, and then fuck.  Sometimes we fuck first, but we always have a nice lunch in my neighborhood.  He looks like an unassuming regular guy, but is fun and dirty in bed.  Before his cock ever went in my pussy, it went in my ass.

Another guy I initially didn’t want to meet.  When a guy is too eager, I get creeped out.  In this case, I was right.

Michael (his real name) came into my life when I was at a very low place.

We began hanging out whenever he wasn’t working.  We played a Filipino card game, the name of which I never fully understood.  We fucked, badly.

The first time we had sex it was horrible.  Really quite shitty.  We both agreed that it was bad.  Why either one of us bothered to fuck one another again I do not know.  Since I’ve had amazing sex with plenty of people, I’ll have to blame the low quality of the fucking on him.

He was the laziest fuck I have ever had.  He just laid there.  On a positive note, I feel like I’m better on top now because I had to be on top if I wanted cock in me at all.  Well, not “cock,” as I think of something big when that word is used.  He had a peter, a small little thing.

He thought his penis was average in size.  It was not.  It was small.  Small.

There was something about my depression that made this guy appealing to me.  He was tall, which I suppose is something that is considered attractive, but I generally don’t care how tall a guy is.  He had kind of cool hair, but I can work with most hair styles so long as they’re short; I don’t like long hair on guys.

I was drawn to his smell.  When he wasn’t wearing too much cologne he had a clean smell that made me loopy.  So loopy that I told him he could demand a blow job from me once per visit to my house.  I told him we could be watching tv or playing cards or having dinner and he could demand a blow job and I’d do it.

Pretty sweet deal, huh?  Well, he rarely took me up on it.  I still had to ask if I could please give him a blow job.  Often.  Why I wanted to suck that little thing so much I’ll never know unless I’m again that depressed.

He thought he was sexually skillful with his hands.  He was not.  When he fingered me I gave him plenty of feedback of the “yes, right there” and “keep doing that” sort.  Yet, he would move from right there and he would stop doing that.  It was extremely frustrating because I wanted to come, dammit.  And apparently it was frustrating to him too, because he would get mad at me for not coming, dammit.  I don’t know that he ever made me come.

Gentlemen, the last thing you should say to a woman who is taking a long time to come is, “You take a really long time to come.”  That just makes it take longer.  And it makes you an asshole.

Because Michael thought he had an average-sized penis and thought he was sexually skillful, he wanted us to have sex with other women.  More than once he requested we place an ad on Craig’s List to find a woman for a threesome.  Knowing that finding a woman for a threesome is a long and arduous process that is usually unsuccessful, I indulged him, but in reality I was embarrassed that I was fucking this guy, and didn’t want to have to see anyone’s reaction to his shitty skills, tiny penis, and looks.

He had horrible skin.  Very bad acne.  Being an acne sufferer myself I know the value of a good dermatologist and don’t understand why an adult with a job would not avail himself of the opportunity to see one.

He was fat.  Not hugely obese, but he definitely had a gut.  I suspect this gut, and the jiggling it did on the few occasions he was on top of me while fucking, was one of the reasons he wanted to be flat on his back most of the times we had sex.  Also, having to be active wore him out very quickly.

Michael had written a book of “poetry.”  There is nothing worse than a pretentious ass who thinks he’s so deep he can write poetry.  The book was dedicated to some chick with whom he’d supposedly been in love.  She had been married and broke off their affair to go back to her husband, thereby breaking Michael’s heart and causing him to pour out his emotions in poetry form.  I read some of it, but I couldn’t bring myself to read the whole thing; I wasn’t that self-destructive.

Most of Michael’s relationships had been with married women.  I was technically married during the time we saw each other, but the Ex and I were most definitely not going to get back together, and since I lived alone Michael and I didn’t have to sneak around to have sex.  Which occurred to me was the problem; I was too sexually available to him.  He liked his sex to be naughty and furtive and I was offering him a blow job whenever he wanted.  I think if I had told him I didn’t want to suck him off he would have wanted me to.

He seemed to think we had some sort of connection and often claimed we’d be friends even after we stopped seeing each other.  Even at my most depressed I was not stupid enough to think that.  I didn’t even like the guy.  He was a whiny asshole who blamed everyone else for his problems and who was deluded about his sexual prowess.  No thank you.

I don’t recall what finally ended things, only that they ended and I didn’t have to deal with him any more.  It was a relief.  Not having him around was the beginning of me getting better.

Several months after we stopped seeing each other he called me and asked me to go to his hotel to fuck him.  Apparently he had been evicted from his apartment and was living in a hotel.  Nice.

I reminded him that we had had shitty sex, and that he had refused many, many offers to suck his pee-pee back when we were seeing each other.  I told him that I had no interest in fucking him.  He was generous enough to offer to let me give him head.  No, I didn’t want to do that either.

He told me he was a hotel gigolo.  What the fuck?  He said he entertains ladies at the hotel.  Who?  What?  Huh?  I didn’t even want to know the details of what that meant, or what kind of hotel.  I did, however, feel compelled to express my incredulity at his assertion.

I stopped short of saying he had a small penis and was shitty in bed, but I think he got the message because I’ve not heard from him in a long time.

I no longer have a profile up on Adult Friend Finder.

I swear.  True story.

A few weeks ago I placed an ad on Craig’s List.  The content of the ad is irrelevant for our purposes.  One guy I met at Precita Park we’ll call Allen.  I knew the moment I saw him that I did not want to fuck him.  He looked like a young Eugene Levy complete with Brillo Pad hair and eyebrows in dire need of a proper grooming.

And his teeth.  His teeth looked, uh, British, in an Austin Powers way.  I really was surprised that a person around my age who clearly could afford orthodontia (he told me he was gainfully employed and had time, and presumably money, for various hobbies) would let himself walk around with mismatched gravestones for teeth.

He looked like Eugene Levy but wasn’t nearly as funny or interesting.  His voice had that typical stoner tone to it.  I was trying to be polite so we chatted for a while while Isis frolicked in the park.

Then Allen told me that while I was cool I was most definitely not his type.  He said he should have asked for a full-body picture before meeting.  I am a typical fat girl with a bit of a chip on my shoulder.  I said I understood if he wasn’t attracted to me because I’m not thin.  And I did understand it, but I was still hurt.  Which is the silliest thing ever since I already knew I found this guy’s looks and personality unappealing.

I was both relieved and hurt.  Relieved because while I didn’t find Allen attractive in any way, I have, in the past, fucked people I didn’t find attractive because I didn’t know how to tell them I didn’t want to.  Lame.  Hurt because dammit, everyone should want to fuck me.  We went our separate ways.

The same Craig’s List ad allowed me to meet the Vegan, whom I knew immediately I did want to fuck.  Nice teeth, great smile, pretty curly eyelashes.  We had great sex.  The Vegan is a biter and left me delightfully covered in bruises after our first session together.

I told Allen and the Vegan’s story at Bawdy Storytelling on September 16, 2009.  At least I think I told the story.  I was so fucking nervous that I don’t remember what I said.  Afterwords people were nice enough to tell me I did a good job, but I suspect they could see what a wreck I was and were just being nice.

Then, on September 22, 2009, I received an email:

Hi,

Not sure if this is a complete blast from the not too distant past but I have been reading your blog and must admit I enjoy it quite a bit. I also realize how much you love sucking cock and wonder how amazingly well you are at that skill you have perfected.

Using my cock would you be interested in showing me sometime how good of a cocksucker you are?

Hope all is well.

-[Allen]

I didn’t at first know who the fuck had sent the email, but a quick email search revealed that it was the guy from the park with the teeth.  I responded that I do, in fact, give glorious blow jobs.  I definitely had no interest in sucking that guy’s cock and thought it a tad strange that he wanted me to do so.  I did, though, want him to regret that he didn’t find me attractive.

Later in the evening I received a text message from a number that I didn’t recognize:

Sarah, this is [Allen] I replied to yur email but wanted to expedite the process with a text.  Do you want to come to my place this evening and wrap your lips around my nice Jewish cock?

To which I responded that my name is not Sarah, because, well, it’s not.  Though he told me his name, I did not make the connection between the email I had received earlier in the day and the text to which I had just responded.  I wasn’t all that offended that he had gotten my name wrong because names are not that important to me anyway, which is why I didn’t notice that the email and the text had the same name.  I’d also been corresponding via text only with a guy, also named Allen.  (Well, not really, but with the same real name as “Allen.”)

[Any grammar or punctuation errors in any quotes from "Allen" are not typos on my part, but have been transcribed exactly as received.]

Then I got another text:

I have no idea why I just called you Sarah!  I’m looking at the letter “s” in shazam (part of yur email address.)  Weird

And another a minute later:

I’m actually sitting here taking some bong ripsbeing very lazy.  I apologize about the completely retarded screw up

An additional email came through:

Plans tomorrow afternoon?

Better yet want to come over my place tonight; hang out, smoke some weed and swallow a load or two of my nice Jewish sperm?

-[Allen]

I did not respond to that email.  I was beginning to figure out that the texts were from the same person as the emails.  The same person with whom I had no interest in hanging out.  And what was his fucking obsession with “nice Jewish” things?

A text arrived in my phone’s in box:

Are you interested in having the back of your lovely throat put to some use this evening?

Also during this time I was having me a few drinks.  I get very horny when I drink and I do like to suck cock.  So I made the mistake of responding to his text that we’d have to meet in public and he’d have to foot my drink and cab bill.  Obviously, the vodka was doing it’s job a little too well because I had forgotten that we had already met in public.  He kept wanting me to just go to his place.  I guess he was really stoned and lazy and horny.

Allen called me.  And in my inebriated state I got right to negotiating a location for us to meet.  Then it really dawned on me.  I had met this guy.  He didn’t find me attractive.  Asshole.

He wanted me to suck his cock even though he wasn’t attracted to me?!  What the fuck?!  So I told him that he must be quite stupid if he thought I’d want to give him head.  I hung up.

My phone vibrated with another text:

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend you when I first said that and I’m feel bad that it got brought up again.  I thought you were nice and fun to talk and into smoking weed and just kicking it so i figured even with me saying that to you at you would be into sucking my cock cause I know you also like it a lot etc…

By this time I was worked up into a lather.  I think I called him back to tell him all the reasons why he was a fucking stupid, ugly, asshole.  I brought up that he didn’t even know my name (as if I cared) and that he didn’t find me physically attractive, neither of which translates into me wanting to be generous with my mouth.  I told him he should perhaps try some 22-year-old girls with low self-esteem because I am too fucking old to give a guy head in hopes that he’ll like me.

I told him that while he may not have found me attractive, I certainly did not find him to be much a prize.  I think he didn’t believe me, and it did sound like something a hurt little kid would say: “Oh, you don’t like me?  Well, I didn’t like you first.”  To make my point I mentioned Eugene Levy and British teeth.  He claimed not to know what British teeth were, so I said something about gravestones and suggested he find an orthodontist.

The whole time he just didn’t fucking get it.  I honestly believe he truly and really couldn’t comprehend why if I like giving blow jobs I wouldn’t like to give one to him.  He said it made sense to him that he’d want a blow job from me but wouldn’t want to fuck me.  He didn’t understand that I don’t want to suck the cock of a guy who doesn’t think I’m good enough to fuck.  I called him stupid a few more times and hung up on him again.

He called me back!  When I’m that pissed (angry) and pissed (drunk) it is nearly impossible for anyone else to talk.  I interrupt more than usual.  I talk louder than usual.  I make some pretty fucking cogent arguments.  He wanted to apologize for getting my name wrong, and to again explain that he didn’t see the problem with hanging out (with his cock down my throat) since he thought I was cool.  I suppose I was to be flattered in some way, but I was not.  I think I hung up on him again.

But of course I got another text:

Well, I’m glad we didnt meet somewhere or you didn’t just show up at my place that would have been really awkward:)

To which I responded that I agreed and that he needed to lose my number.

But of course he had to get in the last word:

Done.  And you can say whatever you want about this experience but please do not use my name or image in your blog.  Thank you

No, thank you.

I swear.  True story.

[Continued from "Thanksgiving (Part 1)."]

Once in the bedroom the four of us began fooling around.  When the guy revealed his little thing I hope the look of disappointment on my face wasn’t too transparent; clearly none of my fantasies of getting fucked with two huge cocks were going to be realized that night.  Poor guy must’ve realized that he most definitely did not measure up to Thanksgiving cock-wise because the two men were never in the same visual space, even in my very small bedroom.

I tried very hard not to show that I thought the guy’s weenie was tiny.  That I knew it was tiny.  And apparently so did she.  She, however, went above and beyond not showing her disappointment to pretending like his dick was big.  When she sucked his cock she gagged, a lot.  At the time I thought she just wasn’t very experienced at cock sucking to be having that much trouble sucking that little thing off.  When I put that teeny peenie in my mouth I treated it like a bubble tea straw.

I went down on her.  She came (or pretended to come) way too easily.  I barely got the tip of my tongue on her clit when she acted like I was rocking her world.  I like getting my face wet with pussy and finger fucking a cunt good and hard to get a lady to come; I barely even tasted clit at that point.

She then went down on Thanksgiving.  And this is how I know she was acting when she was sucking the guy’s pee-pee:  She deepthroated Thanksgiving.  I had never deepthroated Thanksgiving, and he made it clear that she was taking in more cock than I ever had; that she was doing a much better job sucking is cock than ever I did.

I don’t think sex should be a competition; it should be fun.  I said nothing, but felt angry that he was trying to antagonize me.

Then Thanksgiving fucked her in a way that was clearly not nice.  She definitely seemed like she was getting fucked too hard.  Thanksgiving had a maniacal grin on his face.  I told him to back off multiple times.  Finally, I offered to take over as the fuckee.  She commented that he was being very vigorous, but I made it clear that he and I were used to each other and that I was fine.

After they left I asked him why he was such an asshole.  He said he thought it was funny to put us ladies in competition with each other, and he grudge fucked her because he got vibes that she didn’t really want to fuck him.  What a shithead.

We didn’t see each other again for a while.  When we did, he seemed to be in the submissive part of his cycle, because he kept asking me to arrange for him to suck cock.  Ok, sure.

Thanksgiving was bisexual and not at all ashamed of it, but he liked being “forced” to do things with men by women.  He wanted me to be in charge.  I placed an ad on Craig’s List under Casual Encounters mw4m.

The guy showed up and I poured him a glass of wine.  I explained what we would be doing.  The guy was nervous; he claimed he’d been wanting to be with a guy for a while but was too scared.  I assured him that getting a blow job from a guy — and with a woman present — was a perfect introduction to man-on-man sex.

We continued to chit-chat.  Thanksgiving was upstairs in my bedroom, blindfolded.  We were within Thanksgiving’s earshot; I wanted him apprehensive for what was about to happen.  We went up to my room where Thanksgiving was on my bed.  I could tell he was agitated.  I told the guy to pull out his cock and stick it in Thanksgiving’s mouth.

After that no directions were necessary.  Thanksgiving eagerly sucked on the guy’s cock.  Eventually, I, too, sucked the guy’s cock and Thanksgiving removed his blindfold.  I don’t think I ever removed my pants.

I know I drank a significant amount of red wine that night, and that a lot of red wine plus cock sucking equals red wine stains on the ceiling.  Not every time, of course, but that night somehow red wine ended up on my bedroom ceiling.  The stains are still there.

Thanksgiving loved that experience so much he wanted to up the ante.  He wanted me to place ads in CE m4m for him.  Again, he had no problem getting guys to fool around with on his own, but he liked the idea of me forcing him to be with men.

He tried several times to get me to do this.  He would text me letting me know he’d be home alone for the next x number of hours so I could place an ad on Craig’s List and send guys to his house, where his door would be unlocked, so they could fuck him.  He wanted me to send guys to fuck him sight unseen and with little more screening than that they could respond to a Craig’s List ad.

This made me extremely uncomfortable because it is so unsafe.  Finally, after ignoring several of his texts I told him that he was too far out there for me.  I like my sex a little dangerous, but I did not want the responsibility of possibly getting him hurt, or worse.

I last saw Thanksgiving on New Years 2009.  I was with the Ex and Roomie (the Ex’s girlfriend) and had no interest in awkward introductions, so I hid myself amongst the crowd and avoided him.

I swear.  True story.

I met Thanksgiving through Craig’s List.  On Thanksgiving 2007.

The previous three Thanksgivings the Ex and I had an orphans’ dinner at our place.  Along with the Ex went a lot of my so-called friends.  Even if I still had any friends I was unable to keep it together enough to plan and execute a meal, even a potluck.  I was a fucking mess.

The few friends I still had were being distant at best.  Understandably they didn’t know how to deal with me at the time.  Nonetheless one friend, Liz, invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner.

I took a cab over to her house even though it was within walking distance because I had a pumpkin pie and cookies I had made to contribute to the dinner.  I arrived at Liz’s house and met the other attendees at the dinner, a married couple.

I was still feeling a lot of shame over having participated in the destruction of my marriage.  The couple was nice and told me that they had been married before they married each other, and that I’d get over feeling so shitty about myself.

I, however, was not ready to hear that, or to forgive myself, so I began drinking.  A lot.

Of course we ate, but I never got a chance to taste any of the pie or cookies I had brought because I left well before dessert.  I was quite drunk, and, according to what Liz told me later, had insisted on walking home.  She insisted I take a cab, and put me in one.

Once home I sought the comfort of my computer and lovely Craig’s List.  The guy who showed up was about six feet tall, roughly ten years older than me, and kind of dorky.  The dork factor came in because he had big ears that stuck out.

We chatted a bit.  I think I drank — and spilled — some more wine.  We fucked.

The next day Liz called me to make sure I was ok and then gave me a bullshit “you’re too smart and good to be behaving in such a way” speech.  I thanked her for inviting me to dinner, apologized for getting too drunk, and told her I knew she was right, but my behavior continued pretty much on the same drunken path.

Apparently Liz thought a speech from her was all that was needed for me to whip myself into shape when I felt like everything was going wrong in my life, the boring details of which I’ll not recount.  It was not.  So instead of being a supportive, if absentee, friend, Liz later didn’t allow me in her home when she hosted a baby shower for a mutual friend, even after I promised to behave myself.  People don’t even serve alcohol at baby showers anyway, right?  Out of respect for the mother-to-be?  So I wish shitty, shitty things on Liz.  I hope life kicks her ass and she has some difficulty dealing with it.  Maybe then she’ll have some fucking empathy.

I’m not sure who, how, or why, but Thanksgiving and I kept in occasional contact with each other.  He would come over, we’d have sex.  Despite his dorky looks he had a nice, thin, body, was just rough enough in bed, and he had a great, big cock.  He had amazing stamina and a short refractory period that allowed him to pound away at me for a long time, come, and then pretty quickly do it all over again.

One night he was over when a guy I had just begun seeing called.  The guy on the phone was, well, odd.  He said he wanted a threesome with me and another guy, I told him Thanksgiving was willing, but he didn’t want to come over, even to just meet.  I tried to convince him to come over.

The phone conversation eventually ended up with my phone on the kitchen floor.  I was bent over at the waist grabbing the handle to the broiler while Thanksgiving fucked me from behind, nice and hard.  The guy listened to Thanksgiving and I fuck for a while.  He even commented that we had been going at it for a long time.  He still did not come over and things with that guy eventually ended very poorly (and all the facts make me look like a fucking idiot so I’m not sure if I’ll ever write it down).

On another occasion Thanksgiving and I advertised on Craig’s List so we could fuck a heterosexual couple.  We were in the mood for instant gratification so our CL listing directed anyone who responded to the ad to send pictures.  We weeded through the photos, and then gave Thanksgiving’s cell number to those whom we wanted to voice-verify.  We wanted to make sure that there would be an actual lady in the couple who would arrive at my house.  We settled on a couple after she and I chatted on the phone for a bit.

The couple that showed up was not exactly as advertised.  She did have pretty strawberry blonde hair.  She did have lovely, soft, pale skin.  But she also had about twenty pounds around her middle that she neglected to mention.  Call me shallow, but I think that is something that should be disclosed so all parties are fully-informed.

He did have tattoos.  He he did have a cute face.  He neglected to mention that he had a tiny peter.  Call me shallow, but I think that is something that should be disclosed so all parties are fully-informed.

The guys went outside to smoke while us ladies chit-chatted inside.  Then the “couples” (it had been revealed that they were no more a couple than were Thanksgiving and I) talked separately.  Thanksgiving told me that the guy was under the impression that the guys were to watch us ladies only.

Thanksgiving and I had placed what we thought was a clear ad.  We wanted all four of us to fool around, including the guys.  Thanksgiving was willing to forgo cock but I most definitely was not.  Pussy is great, I dig it a whole lot, but I wasn’t about to put on a stage show for the two guys.

I swear.  True story.

[To be continued, of course.]

I placed an ad on Craig’s List under Casual Encounters w4m:

Last Night of Freedom – w4m – 36 (mission district)

Tomorrow my ex-husband and his girlfriend are moving in. I anticipate some severe changes to my sex life, as I LOVE fucking in my own place. Come here tonight to de-christen the place. Have a big cock and be prepared to pound me hard.

I received a few responses.  This is one of them.

Him:  is this real ad? will this work?

Me:  Yes, the ad was real.  No, sending a pic of your dick will not work.

Him:  well it was just an eye catcher!! and thats a hat not a lamp shade lol

Him:  well can i see a pic? looking for a good time or a super model? i lick as good as i stick!!

Him:  whats up? you said big cock i sent it!!

Me:  Well, as last night has passed, I now have different requirements.

Him:  lol well do tell i read lot of blogs LOL

Me:  I don’t even know what you’re trying to say.

It could be that you read my blog:  http://randomrimjobs.com.

Him: well i am saying tell me of your need? may i see a pic?

Me:  I am saying you are difficult to communicate with.  There are pics of me on Random Rim Jobs, you just have to look around.

Him:  wow great pic!! you dont look the type.but i love that look .sexxy with glasses.mmm so tell me more!!

[I have no fucking clue to which photo he is referring.]

Him:  twitter? lol i dont know how to use it what a dork!! 209 -555-9214 call me i need some info!! darrell i am in concord!! can i hear your voice? now that i know you are a real person.!! love that look!!

Me:  I don’t look the slutty type?  Thanks.  I like throwing people off.

Him:  well i dont see a one as a slut.we are grown.and have needs.well can we chat on the phone? i would love to meet you ? have some fun? s.f has a million rooms at hotels if it comes to sexx

Him:  may i call you? or do you have yahoo im? lets chat!! what do you do for out of the bed fun? cause i wanna go!!

Me:  Your communication style is troublesome to me.

I am a slut, and proud of it.

Him:  well i am not sure what you wanna hear? and i like sluts they no what da do? can we chat or talk on the phone?

Him:  well i would like to chat on the phone or im? i am 44 not old but dont know what you mean? lol will you train?

Me:  I want proper capitalization, punctuation, and spelling.

Him:  lol! .How funny You are!! you have a quick wit!! sweet!!.well sweets i am a great person with tons of jokes!! real gentleman open doors.pull back chairs.walk on the out side when walking down the street..but in life i am a class a driver trucker!! i cuss a lot .hate other drivers!! not much of a type.but can read and write..not a great type.but a cool person.great and sweet guy!! love to smile love-er of life.and just thought you were some one i would like to get to know!! but if not its ok!! and for you and that sweet pic!! i used spell check cail
i am just a down to earth person,nothing more nothing less.And for you i did a spell check muah!!

Him:  any thing to say?

Him:  but in the bedroom! ill lick and suck that pussy with my and fingers,stick a dildo in that ass ass well.lick and suck that ass.make you suck my big cock with your hair in my hands!! fuck any hole yopu wanna let me!! thats about that!@!

Me:  Call me shallow, but I really can’t get past your fucked up communication style.

Him:  sorry sweets!! will never call you anything but nice things!! and i like to talk on the phone!!

Him:  And rember i said i am a trucker!! not a writer..a real person who like to use the phone to speak!!

Him:  well call me? give me your number?or call and block it?my voice is deep and very sexxy!!209-555-9214 Darrell

Sexy beast!

Him:  well can we chat on the phone> then judge me? if you still feel the same way its a done deal?

Him:  i am not sure what your looking for? to fuck and suck? or a twitter person?

[He then began following me on Twitter.]

Me:  I want to fuck and suck a person who communicates effectively.

Him:  well thats funny!! just because i dont do email well? lol i am a 15year journeyman i can build a hose from the ground up!! read blue prints like a book.now i drive big rig and have home land clearence.i can dive any thing.go any where. sorry i am not a book worm or what ever you are looking for. i am just a man,who does man stuff!!

Me:  I am not looking for a bookworm, I am looking to read an email w/o questioning what the fuck the person is trying, but failing, to say.

Him:  WELL I AM JUST LOOKING TO HAVE SOME FUN!! AND FUCK YOU!!..IF ALL IS WELL MEET AND HAVE MORE FUN!! THEN FUCK YOU AGAIN!!

Him:  now can you understand that? my cock is big and my lips are soft and full!!my voice is deep and sexxy! women have told me i should do phone sex,that’s how sexxy my voice is!! here is my half naked pic.looks at them lips!!,and also two of my way hot friends..yes we do a three ways!!

Him:  well you are to snoty for me..if you did not have glasses in that pic .i would no even email you.i just have a thing for nice looking women in glasses..but your loos not mine.i am a great and swwet guy! you said your just a slut.so u r below me!! bye bye

Me:  Thank you.

Him:  thank you was the white-thing you have said!! but i blame your momma!! you seem like the kinda person that farts at the dinner tabel and wont say sorry.just ask does that smell like breakfast? pffft!!

Him:  lol i guess we are now hatefull friends!!

[Wow, I'm so sorry I've not taken this guy up on his offers.]

I swear.  True story.

Someone told me yesterday was a full moon.  I don’t often look at the moon, being an urban dweller plagued with light pollution and a roof, so I believed it.  A full moon certainly does “explain” some of yesterday’s odd behavior.

When I worked in a bar it was the “full moon” nights that were the craziest.  If there weren’t more fights, then there were more potential fights that we were able to ameliorate just in time.  If there weren’t any belligerent assholes, there were the jerks who wanted to talk to my manager about my attitude.  If there weren’t any dickwads who passed counterfeit bills, there were shitheads who ran out on their bills altogether.  The nights we perceived as full moon nights were always nuts.

So a full moon was as good an explanation as any for the coincidences that occurred yesterday.  First, I saw a guy I’d given a blow job to several months ago.  I saw him in a situation where it would have been easy to say hello, but we didn’t know each other beyond the blow job.  “Hello, how’s your dick doing?” probably wouldn’t have been a good opener, and I really couldn’t think of much else to say to him.

I was shocked I even recognized him, really, considering my shit memory.  But how horrible and embarrassing would it have been if he either didn’t remember me, or feigned not remembering me?  I chose to avoid any potential embarrassment on either of our parts by not saying hello.

Then I got a text message from a guy I have in my phone under a nickname.  I have no clue what his real name is.  I have only an idea of how his number might have found its way into my phone.  We’ve never met.

Later in the evening he contacted me via YIM.  The guy lives here in San Francisco and wants to “finally” meet.  Uh, ok.  This could be a guy from Twitter, he could be from Craig’s List.  I’m pretty sure he’s not a friend of a friend, because then I’d probably have his actual name.  He informed me he’s freshly single.  We’ll meet soon, so that could mean some potential fun (or a fun disaster).

Then, out of the blue Greek Guy emailed me.  I hadn’t heard from him since he came over to my place and fucked me in all my holes.  He wanted to explain why.  I assured him that he owed me no explanation since I was not his girlfriend.  He assured me that he had had a great time.  Ok, that’s all I needed.

So Greek Guy came over.  Though I had told him I was in a shit mood and to bring alcohol, which means, (for those of you who don’t know drinker lady speak,) “Bring me a lot of alcohol so I can forget why my mood is so shitty and so we can have fun drunken sex,” he brought an amount of vodka that I consider almost insulting, about 1/4 of a 750mL bottle.  He seemed quite proud that he brought a whole bottle–chilled even–of soda water, and a cut lemon.  The fact that the lemon was cut seemed to be important to him.  Did he think my kitchen has no knives?

While he was here another guy from whom I’ve not heard for ages contacted me via YIM.  It was another guy with a nickname.  I did not respond to him, as I had company.

Greek guy fucked me.  I came when he had a vibrator in my ass, fingers in my pussy, and the Magic Wand on my clit.  I warned him that I’m like a guy after I come–I want to go to sleep–so it was in his best interest not to let me come yet, but he did anyway.  He came on my face (and arm) with the help of my finger in his ass.

[According to the interwebnets the full moon was in early August 2009, NOT August 23, 2009.]

I swear.  True story.

My pussy is throbbing from a proper fucking.

I placed an ad on Craig’s List under w4m looking for guys with big cocks. My ad indicated that I wanted guys who had big uncircumcised cocks, but would settle for circumcised cocks, so long as they were LARGE.

I had three respondents. Rather, I had three guys’ cocks in me as a result of that one ad: Bike Messenger, Greek Guy, and Mr. RI.

Bike Messenger came over based on this photo of me. He said he’d been looking at it and couldn’t think of a reason why he wouldn’t fuck me. Which is, of course, flattering as fuck.  He came over, fucked me, and then left.  I had no fucking clue whether he qualified to respond to my ad because his cock never went in my hand or mouth, both easy ways to gauge size.  While my pussy is amazing, it is not equipped with accurate size sensors.

We fucked, but I swear to fucking god that I don’t remember his cock AT ALL.  I do recall that his back was covered with a tatto0-in-progress:  a scene the artwork of which was only black ink.  All of my tattoos are only black.

I didn’t hear from Bike Messenger again despite the fact that we had a decent fuck, a good chit-chat, and generally a pretty nice time.

I met Greek Guy at my favorite local dive bar.  Over a few drinks he revealed that he was a school teacher at a private elementary school, and that his parents also lived in his neighborhood, Potrero Hill.  After drinks we came to my house, where he revealed that not only was he Greek in heritage, but also in desires.  I assured him that I was not an adolescent boy and he assured me that his desires were for adult woman ass, not boy butt.

Greek Guy and I had really good sex.  He was uncircumcised, just like I like ‘em, but his foreskin did not retract all the way; his glans was never totally exposed.  This was only a “problem” when I was giving him a hand job or a blow job since I was used to being able to pull the foreskin all the way back so I could look at and taste yummy cock head.

True to his predilection, he treated my ass very well.  He licked, fingered, and finally put his nice thick cock into my ass.  Then my ass rode his cock until he shot his load.

Greek Guy and I stayed in contact for a while but we didn’t fuck again.  His schedule, and a burgeoning relationship, or some other bullshit prevented us from getting together.  I’m kind of disappointed about that one because we really did have a lot of fun.  Well, I had a lot of fun and he sure seemed to.

The third guy I fucked as a result of my Craig’s List hunt for huge cock was Mr. RI.  He was 24 and had just finished college in his home state of Rhode Island.  Isn’t that cute?  He even had his college fraternity tattoo on his arm.  Very typical white boy, which usually isn’t my type.

What is my type is gorgeous, heavy, thick, meaty cock, and he had it.  He also had a great body, but then who at 24 doesn’t?  I felt very lucky to be fucking a guy with a huge cock, a nice body, and a cute face.  And he could carry on a conversation.  I forgot that there were eleven years between us because he didn’t act like an idiot.

I think he liked that he was welcome to pound all my holes as hard as he wanted.  Apparently the college girls can’t handle that much dick.  I can.

We fell into a kind of routine:  He fucked me, hard, once a week.  I tried to change things up, because I had heard kids have short attention spans.  One week he fucked my pussy while I had a butt plug in my ass.  Another week he fucked my ass, which, due to the wonderful size of his tool, had to be warmed up with toys.  I bound his hands and blindfolded him so I could do whatever I wanted to him.  We took showers together, with me on my knees with cock in my mouth most of the time.  Pretty basic, but good, fucking.

He was gloriously uncircumcised.  I loved to get my tongue up under his foreskin when his cock was in my mouth.  And because his cock could take serious abuse I could pretty much gnaw on his foreskin.  So much fun.

His balls.  Thanks to Mr. RI I now love licking, nuzzling, sucking, and squeezing (gently, if desired) balls.  They are a whole lot of fun.

Rim jobs.  I like converting straight guys to the glories of rim jobs.  Mr. RI learned, thanks to me, that he really, really, quite a lot digs his asshole licked.  I love a straight guy who isn’t too uptight about his ass.  Ass licking feels damn good.  The zoned out look on a guy’s face when he’s getting his ass treated properly is truly beautiful.

Fast forward to August 13, 2009.  I placed an ad on Craig’s List.  I was NOT looking to get laid necessarily (more on that ad later, I promise), but the way CL CE ads work is that guys don’t even read them, just respond to them.  And I arbitrarily sent one of the respondents the same photo, above.

He recognized me.  Because it was Bike Messenger.  He came over and fucked me quite well.  His cock IS big.  And fun.  And this time it went in my hand and my mouth.  Yummy.  One of the great things I got to do last night was hand him the black box.

I have condoms all over my house.  In my bedroom I have condoms on either side of my bed.  On the passenger side of the bed I have two boxes, one black and one white.  The white box contains lube samples and regular-sized condoms.  The black box contains lube samples and large condoms.  I handed Bike Messenger the black box so he could make his selection.  That is why my pussy is throbbing from a proper fucking.

I swear.  True story.

I’ve met a number of men, and women, thanks to Craig’s List.  The ones I fuck are great, but the one I don’t fuck, DD, is special.

I responded to a CL ad in the Strictly Platonic m4w section.  I love having guy friends, and was in desperate need, since most of the ones I’d had were on the Ex’s “side” when we broke up.  A couple of friends tried to be neutral but understandably felt trapped between the two of us.  Ultimately, since I was the cheater, and therefore the bad guy, I just let them go.  I was making myself feel shitty enough, I didn’t also need “friends” judging me because I cheated on the nicest guy ever.  And the Ex is a nice guy–will do anything for a friend.  A wife, not so much.

It was also during this time that I was trying to find friends I wouldn’t want to fuck.  Better yet, I could completely avoid the possibility of fucking a friend if he had already eliminated my entire gender as possible sex partners.  I responded to an ad headlined, “Fag Looking for a Hag.”

We met in Dolores Park and immediately got along.  We had both recently ended major relationships and were in recovery.  We both liked fucking guys, a lot.  He loved Isis (she always goes with me to Dolores Park, whether we’re there to meet a new person or otherwise).  We both talk, a lot, and fast.  At the time our mothers lived in the same area of California that we both found absolutely repulsive.

And it hasn’t been the same since.  We mostly hang out at my house.  He brings baguette, cheese, and wine; I make dinner.  It seems unfair, but I’m a kick-ass cook and I sometimes make multi-course meals.

Over wine and food we talk about anything and everything, which is usually sex-related.  On one of those nights the wine was flowing and we got to talking about what would be fun given our state of inebriation, our randiness factor, and the ease of making things happen in San Francisco with Craig’s List.

We placed an ad on Craig’s List under Casual Encounters mw4m.  We made it very clear that we were a gay guy and a straight (for these purposes) woman who wanted a guy to come over and dance for us.  Yes, dance.  We wanted a guy to do a little striptease for us, and indicated in the ad that things may go from there so he needed to be open to sexual relations with both of us.

Our drunken minds had thoughts of DD watching me suck cock, as a kind of lesson.  DD is skilled at the oral arts, of course, but he told me he gives head because guys like it, not because he does.  I assured him that I could show him how enjoyable sucking cock can be.

We weeded through a few applicants and finally settled on a guy who told us he was coming to the Mission from the Marina.  (More on my feelings on the Marina in “International Day, and Night.”) That alone should have caused us to reject him, but it was late and we were only getting drunker and hornier.

The guy showed up and after introductions DD and I ordered him to dance.  Maybe we’re intimidating, because the guy who had had the nerve to come over in the middle of the night was suddenly shy.  Yes, we really did want him to dance; the CL ad wasn’t lying.  We asked him to dance.  We ordered him to dance.  He would not dance.

We told him to leave.  If he wasn’t going to dance for us he was of no use; he was just taking up space in my apartment.  I walked him to the door.  THEN he suddenly got a personality.  He started up with the “baby, baby” talk when he thought we were out of DD’s earshot.  There is nowhere in my apartment that is out of earshot of anywhere in my apartment, but I suppose this guy didn’t know that.  Our guest wanted to dip into the downstairs bathroom for a quick blow job.  Uh, no.

We probably kissed a few times because I was trying to show him what he was missing by not dancing for us, but I wasn’t going to give him a “freebie” blow job; he had to earn it.  After several minutes of him begging and me making it clear that he needed to earn his keep or get the fuck out, he left.

DD and I were disappointed, of course.  We wanted some action.

Fast forward several months.  DD and I were again hanging out at my place with lots of wine flowing.  This time our CL ad asked “just” for a guy who was willing to engage in sexual relations with both of us to come over.

The guy who showed up was a cute, skinny, tattooed pastry chef.  Oh, yes.  DD and I gave each other the “I so want to fuck him hard” faces; we knew what was up.  Because I’m a food nerd I asked him about his work, in detail.  He was very sweet and shy.

It was pretty late.  DD and I had been drinking for a few hours, our pastry chef had told us he’d been up since very early in the AM on account of his job.  The three of us kind of zoned out.  I was sitting between the two men and could see that one or both of them was about to fall asleep.  Hmm.  Not too sexy.

Eventually our pastry chef took his leave; he had to work in the morning.  After he left DD and I discussed how hot he was and how much we wanted to jump his bones.  DD told me he could tell by the lump in the pastry chef’s jeans that he had a big cock.  I’m of the opinion that there are growers and there are showers and there are guys with huge balls, so the bulge in the pants is not a definitive indication.  Nonetheless, DD assured me that the pastry chef had a big cock.  We’re both size queens.

But that didn’t matter, because the pastry chef had left.  I text messaged him that we were both a bit disappointed that we didn’t have a chance to have some sexy times.  Much to my surprise, within the next week or so the pastry chef text messaged me letting me know that he was randy and wanted to come over.

DD was right–the pastry chef’s cock was big.  And fun to suck.  And suck.  He came over, he came, and then he left.  I didn’t hear from him again.  Which was fine.  I got the feeling that he was trying to figure out his orientation.  I hope I helped in some way.  Of course I told DD about everything.

Fast forward a few months.  DD tells me that the pastry chef has been text messaging him and wants to get together with him.  Fun.  I encouraged DD to go for it, because the pastry chef’s cock is nice and should be appreciated.

DD tells me one of the best things EVER:  the pastry chef wants to know of DD’s blow jobs are as good as mine.  He he.  Yay!  As far as I know DD and the pastry chef still haven’t gotten together, but I do want to know the details if they do.

I swear.  True story.

My admiration for the German language was confirmed (and later reconfirmed) one night when I was watching the movie, the Lives of Others. It is a great, great movie in German with subtitles for those of us who need ‘em. I was enthralled by the story, of course, but I also found myself getting turned on. Of course.

I soon realized an orgasm was something I was going to have to have. I was in no mood to go out or to have someone over (I still needed to finish the movie), but I didn’t want “just” masturbate (though masturbation is a glorious thing).  I chose to post an ad on Craig’s List.

I think I posted it in Casual Encounters, but I KNOW I made clear that I was looking for phone sex only, in German, and that night.  The responses were varied, but none of them adhered to the requirements of the ad.

I had a few guys respond in German.  I know I made it clear that I wanted to have phone sex in German, but that I couldn’t understand it, but that didn’t seem to matter.  I know absolutely no German, so I couldn’t respond in German.  Besides, that just showed they didn’t read my ad carefully.

Other guys had clearly not read my ad at all.  It was becoming apparent that my desires were not to be fulfilled on such short notice.  I was going to have to settle.

I get turned on hearing any language I can’t understand.  Because of the movie I was in the mood for German, but other languages will definitely do.  I was horny, so I settled for a native French speaker.

He called me, said most everything in French, fast enough so I couldn’t understand despite my years of French in high school (so, really, hardly any), and I masturbated to orgasm.  I neither know nor care if he was saying anything that was actually sexy because it sounded sexy to me.

I swear.  True story.