Random Rim Jobs

Well, it was alright. Sat around with Cleo all day. She sure does make a lot of noise. Henry offered to take me out to dinner but I had already promised Laura and Deanna so I had to decline. So then Henry was going to meet us at the Brewer house at 11 but the fuckhead never showed up. Why does he have to be flakey [sic.]?  And the thing is I can’t really get mat at him – I’m not quite sure why.  But he did say something about taking me out tonight.  But not until late cause he has to practice with Duchess De Sade.  Laura and Deanna gave me pot – that was very nice cause I was out.  I have to wait to go to bed until my comforter dries ’cause I had to wash it ’cause Cleo has pooped on it twice today.  And now she’s scratching me and driving me crazy.  I think Henry got me a pipe.  Laura was gonna tell me but I like surprises.  I’m irritated.  Why does he have to be like this?  I better get taken out and get some action is all I can say.  Does he even like kissing me?  Does he even want to?  Thank god Cleo has calmed down.  Why do I let Henry have so much power over me?  Should I just tell him – lay it all on the line?  Fuck I don’t know.

The summer following my second year of law school I returned to Bangkok.  The school year had gone by pretty quickly, mostly because I had been planning for the summer.  Planning for the summer included taking a Thai-language course via an adult education community program in San Francisco.

I had wanted to return to Thailand over my winter break.  I had met plenty of people the prior summer that I would have had a good time, and probably some work.  My plans to return in the winter did not involve my husband, however.  By the fall the Ex had moved up to San Francisco from LA and got a job.  Also, we couldn’t afford for both of us to go.  If I had gone over winter the Ex and I surely would have broken up – seven years before we finally did.

It was some time in the fall that the Ex found a picture of the guy I’d spent all my time with the two weeks after he left.  This was back before most anyone had digital cameras.  I had borrowed a friend’s 35mm camera and had taken a lot of photos over the summer.  The friend ended up dying; I still have the camera.

The Ex found the picture and got all sorts of angry and hurt.  He tore up the picture (which was foreshadowing of what he’d do to pictures of him and me after he caught me cheating seven years in the future) and scratched out the guy’s face in the negative.  You see, kids, cameras used to have film, from which negatives would be developed and prints would be made.

I found out that he found the damming evidence when I came home from one of my Tuesday night Thai-language courses.  He was upset and stayed, just a block away near the Great American Music Hall, with Jesús.  [Really, if you've not yet read "Smooth as Silk," about my first summer in Bangkok, you might be a little confused as to the cast of characters.  Go read it, it's pretty good.]

I remember feeling sorry he was hurt for seeing the photo, and feeling angry that he’d destroyed the photo of a guy with whom I’d had a lot of fun.  I also remember feeling like he was making a big deal out of little; I had come home to him, hadn’t I?  I could certainly love him and fuck other people, only I didn’t know it myself, and didn’t have either the self-awareness or the balls to tell him that.

After a few days of debauchery with Jesús the Ex came home.  In order to get him to do so I had to promise not to go to Bangkok over winter break and to start therapy.  I’m sure if “sex addiction” existed at the time I would have been accused of having one.  If he only knew ….

Throughout the school year I had to assure the Ex that I would not cheat on him again if I returned to Thailand in the summer.

During the school year I sent a number of letters of inquiry to law firms in Bangkok that had international business practices and that wanted to cater to English-speaking clients.  Technically non-Thais cannot practice law in Thailand.  However, since the Thai definition of “practicing law” is very narrow – arguing a case in court in Thai – it mattered little that I was not yet a lawyer in the United States, as I could never be a lawyer in Thailand.  That I was American was a major boon.

A few firms were interested, but I finally settled on a small firm with a practice in Bangkok and Paris.  The major reason I chose the firm was because the job came with an apartment.  We had stayed very inexpensively at a shitty hotel the previous summer, but I liked the idea of having a kitchen of my own and not having to worry about nosy hotel personnel.

For my birthday in 2001, the Ex gave me a Coach umbrella.  He knew how the summer rains in Bangkok were, and had seen what can happen to an ass in the rain.  [If I've not yet told the story of the Bangkok rain's effect on my ass, I will.]  But it was (and is; I still have it) a full-sized umbrella, which wasn’t very practical for traveling.  A friend drove me and the umbrella to the airport.  At the curb I realized how unwieldy the umbrella was and I asked her to return it to the Ex for safe keeping.

I was off to work in Bangkok while the Ex worked in San Francisco.

[To be continued, for sure.]

I swear.  True story.

[Continued from "Geminis, Y'All (Part 3)."]

There are way more famous Geminis than I knew.

Hot:

• Neeson, Liam (June 7):  The rumor is he has a big cock.  I believe it.  He carries himself like a man with a big cock.
• Nicks, Stevie (May 26):  LOVE Fleetwood Mac, the early stuff when they were fucking, fighting, and cocaine-ing.  And Stevie.  Love Stevie.
• Oz, Frank (May 25):  I love the Muppets.
• Paul, Les (June 9):   I love guitar-heavy rock ‘n’ roll.
• Porter, Cole (June 9):  He was hip and homo.  Love him.  It’s the gay man in me.
• Portman, Natalie (June 9):  She’s pretty and can actually act.
• Prince (June 7):  I loved Prince when I was a kid.  My sixth grade bedroom was plastered with Prince posters.
• Refaeli, Bar (June 4):  Yeah, I think she’s pretty.
• Richie, Lionel (June 20):  Who doesn’t love his early stuff?
• Ride, Sally (May 26):  Sure, astronauts are cool.
• Rodriguez, Robert (June 20):  I still dig El mariachi, and his story on Four Rooms was downright fun.  Yeah, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a new movie.
• Sara, Mia (June 19):  Another sad-looking actress, but I liked her in Legend.
• Scott Thomas, Kristin (May 24):  She does a good costume drama.
• Sobieski, Leelee (June 10):  She used to be hot.  She may still be, but I’ve not seen her in a while.
• Styron, William (June 11):  I’ve not read any of his stuff, but I saw Sophie’s Choice one day on a whim.  I recognized Meryl Streep, of course, but didn’t know what I was getting into until it was too late and I was crying.
• Wahlberg, Mark (June 5):  He seems to have forgotten how to act recently, but I absolutely loved Boogie Nights, Three Kings, and The Basketball Diaries.
• Westheimer, Ruth (June 4):  How could I not love Dr. Ruth?  She pioneered the notion that sex should be enjoyable.  I think I’ll go masturbate.
• Wilder, Gene (June 11):  If you like you laugh you like Gene Wilder.
• Williams, Venus (June 17):  Not into tennis, but Venus is damn cool.
• Wright, Frank Lloyd (June 8):   Yes, a cool architect.  I’ve toured his house in Oak Park, Illinois.  Also, he was a cheater and a shit for leaving his family.

Not:

• Namath, Joe (May 31):  Football?
• Oates, Joyce Carol (June 16):  I think I’ve read one of her books.  It was short and pretty lame.  It was a very thinly veiled telling of the story of Ted Kennedy killing that woman.
• Obama, Sasha (June 10):  She’s just a kid.  I’m not too into kids.
• Olivier, Sir Laurence (May 22):  He was supposed to be a great actor.  I guess.
• Olsen Twins, The (June 13):  What the fuck have they done lately?
• Popes Alexander (May 21) and Gregory XIII (June 7):  The Catholic church is bullshit, and the popes are the kings of bullshit.  I’m not sure which Alexander my source is referring to, and Gregory XIII may have been born in January and therefore not a Gemini.
• Reuben, Gloria (June 9):  Another actress who always looks sad to me.
• Rivers, Joan (June 8):  She’s really annoying now, but I think I used to like her back when she was kind of funny.  Now she’s just freaky and nutty.
• Rushdie, Salman (June 19):  I’ve never read his stuff, and he’s creepy looking, but he must be interesting and smart, right?
• Sanford, Mark (May 28):  Hypocrites are shitheads.
• Shakur, Tupac (June 16):  I have no clue why people loved him so much and continue well after his death.
• Spitzer, Eliot (June 10):  Apparently Geminis have trouble being faithful.  And like whores.
• Trump, Donald (June 14):  He’s a douche.
• West, Kanye (June 8):  Ditto.
• Young, Brigham (June 1):  Look, another randy Gemini.  Unfortunately, this one was Mormon.  Creepy.

And we’re done.  Thank y’all for the birthday wishes. Hope all you Geminis out there have great birthdays.

I swear.  True story.

[Continued from "Geminis, Y'All (Part 2)."]

Yes, the Gemini-fest continues.  Just think about how hot – or tepid – these folk are.

Hot:

• Kennedy, John F. (May 29):  My mother remembered where she was when she heard JFK had been shot.  I remember where I was when I heard Princess Diana had died.
• Kevorkian, Jack (May 28):  Yep, I do think people should be able to off themselves with help when they choose to do so.  I’m glad Dr. K thinks so, too.
• Keynes, John Maynard (June 5):  Anyone who’s ever taken any sort of economics class has heard of this guy.
• Kinnear, Greg (June 17):  He’s pretty funny.
• Klum, Heidi (June 1):  I don’t think she’s nearly as hot as many do, but she’s hilarious when she tells people they’re “Out!”
• LaBeouf, Shia (June 11):  He’s all young and cute.  No, I don’t have any interest in seeing any Transformers movies but Guide to Recognizing Your Saints was good.
• Laurie, Hugh (June 11):  “House M.D.” is just damn good.  I’m one of the many who loves yet hates Gregory House.
• Lee, Peggy (May 26):  She had “Fever.”
• Lima, Adriana (June 12):  She can’t act, but she sure is pretty.
• Lynde, Paul (June 13):  I loved him on tv shows when I was a kid.  My favorite was the voice of Templeton on Charlotte’s Web.
• Manilow, Barry (June 17):  I liked his stuff when I was a kid.  And I recently fucked a guy who claimed BM was his godfather.
• Martin, Dean (June 7):  He was good looking, had a great voice, and a drinker.  What’s not to love?
• Mathers, Jerry (June 2):  I don’t know why, but I loved “Leave It to Beaver” when I was a kid.
• McGinley, Ted (May 30):  I used to think he was cute.  I like how he’s put on tv shows before they fail.
• McKellen, Ian (May 25):  I dig a distinguished gay gentleman.
• Milk, Harvey (May 22):  I live in San Francisco.  I have to like Harvey Milk.  And people should be out of they want.
• Miller, Christa (May 28):  I liked her on “The Drew Carey Show” and her bitchy turn on “Scrubs” was funny.
• Miller, Wentworth (June 2):  HOT!
• Monroe, Marilyn (June 1):  She was lucky enough to die when she was 36.
• Murphy, Cillian (May 25):  I’m not one for eyes, but his are downright dreamy.  And his accent ….

Tepid:

• Kaczynski, Ted (May 22):  Yep, he’s a nut job.  He was also a graduate student at my alma mater.
• Kidman, Nicole (June 20):  I really hate Moulin Rouge! and she’s just one of the reasons why.
• Kings Charles II (May 29), George III (June 4), and James I (June 19):  Not much for royalty, British or otherwise.
• Kissinger, Henry (May 27):  I used to be more into politics.  No longer.  I’m lame.
• Kournikova, Anna (June 7):  The only reason I’ve even heard of her is because she’s hot.
• Lombardi, Vince (June 11):  Sports, right?
• Lopes, Lisa (May 27):  She was nutty-boos.
• Margulies, Julianna (June 8):  Yay, she acts.  So what?  I think she always looks kind of sad.
• McCartney, Paul (June 18):  I don’t like Paul and I don’t like the Beatles.  There, I said it.
• Minogue, Kylie (May 28):  I can get her out of my head.
• Montana, Joe (June 11):  I liked him on “The Brady Bunch.”  I think he also played football here in San Francisco.
• Morissette, Alanis (June 1):  I don’t like her music.  I hate “You Oughta Know” more than most things.  She can be funny when she acts.
• Moussaoui, Zacarias (May 30):  Not so good to be associated with this guy.  He even shares my birthday.  Oops.
• Myers, Mike (May 25):  He’s not funny.  Except in So I Married an Axe Murderer.

There’s more to come, of course.  Gotta get through the whole alphabet.

I swear.  True story.

This looks just lovely.  Those are lovely breasts that gravity hasn’t had much of a chance to mistreat.  Not that gravity is a cruel bitch or anything.  But she is.  Always pulling.  Keeping our feet on the ground.  And dragging down our soft bits.

This lovely lady, however, has only had the benefits of gravity so far in her life.  Good for her.  I hope she realizes what she has now, before it’s gone.  Or at least closer to the ground.

All those women who say they posed new when their bodies were looking their best?  Yeah, I get it.  I certainly have never had a nude posing-worthy body, but I wish I knew what I had when I had it.  When I was a size 7 I thought I was fat.  Silly me.  I always thought I was fat, probably because I thought I looked like my mother, who was fat, and because I didn’t look like my sister or my step-sister, who were both very skinny.

While I wish I knew what I had when I had it, I’m glad I have what I have now, even if it’s not perfect.  Not even close to perfect.  I have a funky toenail and flat feet; I miss shaving a few hairs near each ankle bone most of the time; I have a biopsy scar on one calf and a 1990s “tribal” tattoo on the other; I have shitty knees that hurt more when I’m going downhill than up; my thighs are … not slim, but they are strong; I have more body hair than I’d like; my stomach isn’t flat; my hips aren’t small; my breasts aren’t as perky as I’d like; my arms are not well defined; I have a big nose; I have acne; my hair is almost too thick (yes, I know this is one of those complaints for which some will hate me); I require corrective lenses; I grind my teeth.  Not even close to perfect.  But I’m me.

So I’m looking forward to my 37th year.  Happy birthday to me.

I swear.  True story.

There are more interesting Geminis than I thought when I began this (not so) little project.  Continued from “Geminis, Y’All (Part 1).”

Cool as shit:

• Escher, M.C. (June 17):  His stuff is just fun to look at.
• Farrell, Colin (May 31):   Sure he’s cute, but I really liked In Bruges.
• Franken, Al (May 21):  Smart and funny, but still not hot.
• Freeman, Morgan (June 1):  In a lot of really good movies.  Pretty creeped out by the relationship he had with his step-granddaughter though.
• Garland, Judy (June 10):  It’s really cool that she did so many pharmaceuticals.
• Giamatti, Paul (June 6):  Funny-looking dude but a damn good actor.  Same birthday as DJ.
• Ginsberg, Allen (June 3):  Howl is just damn cool.
• Goodman, John (June 20):  Who doesn’t love John Goodman?  No one, that’s who.
• Gray, Spalding (June 5):  He has a cool name, and I suppose he was pretty funny before he offed himself.
• Grier, Pam (May 26):  There is no doubt Pam Grier is cool.  From Coffy to “The L Word” and everything in between, just damn cool.
• Griffith, Andy (June 1):  I still watch “The Andy Griffith Show” every once in a while.
• Hawks, Howard (May 30):  He directed some very good movies, such as His Girl Friday and The Big Sleep.
• Hinckley, John Jr. (May 29):  Hey, I’d want to impress Jodi Foster, too.  And I recall my mother being happy about the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. I was just a kid, forgive me.
• Hope, Bob (May 29):  I liked his goofy slapstick movies when I was a kid.  No, I did not see them in the theaters.  I was home alone with cable a lot when I was a kid.
• Hurley, Elizabeth (June 10):  She’s all saucy and British and shit.
• Jewel (May 23):  I think that snaggle tooth is sexy.
• Jolie, Angelina (June 4):  I liked her first husband, Jonny Lee Miller, in Trainspotting.
• Jones, Tom (June 7):  I “fell in love” with Tom Jones when I was in Thailand.  The Thai Tom Jones is hot.  And the real Tom Jones is a drinker.

Luke warm shit:

• Etheridge, Melissa (May 29):  Yeah, it’s cool that she’s an out lesbian, but her music does nothing for me.
• Fleming, Ian (May 28):  James Bond’s creator.  Whatever.
• Flynn, Errol (June 20):  I’ve never seen any of his movies, but I suppose he was good looking.
• Fox, Michael J. (June 9):  Never thought he was even a little cute.
• Frank, Anne (June 12):  Maybe if I’d ever read her diary, which I’m sure she wanted kept private, I’d feel differently.  But I didn’t, so I don’t.
• Gehrig, Lou (June 19):  I guess he played baseball.  Sorry about that disease, dude.
• Gingrich, Newt (June 17):  Yuck.
• Giuliani, Rudy (May 28):  He has some messed up hair.
• Goodman, Benny (May 30):  Not to into swing thing.  At least musically.
• Graf, Steffi (June 14):  I don’t really care about tennis, but it is interesting that Andre Agassi has married two Geminis, Steffi and Brooke Shields (May 31).
• Guevara, Che (June 14):  I’m certainly not about to wear an item of clothing with his face on it, but Gael García Bernal played him in The Motorcycle Diaries, which means he’s hot by association.
• Hammett, Dashiell (May 27):  He wrote detective novels and shit.
• Hardy, Thomas (June 2):  I really should read some of my fellow Geminis’ stuff.  I’m in good company, I guess.
• Heche, Anne (May 25):  Bisexual and whacked out on drugs.  Hmmm.  Oh, she has a kid.  Yuck.  That’s why she’s here and not above.
• Humphrey, Hubert H. (May 27):  Yeah, he was President, but he wasn’t all that.
• Hunt, Helen (June 15):  She has a huge forehead.
• Ice Cube (June 15):  I love Friday but his stupid-ass “family” movies scream, “Paycheck!” in a bad way.  I understand calming down in ones old age, but he is ridiculous.
• Iverson, Allen (June 7):  Basketball?
• Jennings, Waylon (June 15):  I’m not too into country music, but I have a good friend who is.
• Jindal, Bobby (June 10):  Creepy governor of Louisiana.
• Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh (May 27):  She’s just a kid, so I shouldn’t think badly, but the poor thing has the first name of a dog.

[To be continued ….]

I swear.  True story.

We are currently in Gemini, the third sign of the Western Zodiac.  It runs roughly between May 21 and June 20.  Geminis are pretty cool people.  In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that I am a Gemini, which makes me pretty biased.  Not only am I a Gemini, but I get along very well with Geminis.  Some I get along with so well I fuck them.  I can think of only one Gemini with whom I did not get along, and I think that was more due to him having trouble with smart women with opinions of their own than our mutual sign.

Of course there are many famous Geminis.  Some are cool.  Some are not.  Some are meh.

Geminis who make me feel proud to share a sign with them:

• Auberjonois, René (June 1):  Actor on “Benson.”  Need I say more?
• Aung San Suu Kyi (June 19):  Burmese civil rights leader.
• Baker, Josephine (June 3):  Entertainer and renouncer of American citizenship.
• Barbeau, Adrienne (June 11):  Actress and owner of bodacious boobage.
• Barris, Chuck (June 3):  Game show guy and unconfirmed secret spy.  Subject and co-writer of Confessions of a Dangerous Mind starring hottie Sam Rockwell.
• Bening, Annette (May 29):  Actress in a damn good movie, American Beauty.
• Biafra, Jello (June 17):  Lead “singer” of the Dead Kennedys, San Francisco punk band.
• Blanc, Mel (May 30):  Who doesn’t love the Looney Tunes?  Oh, and MB was born in San Francisco and shares my birthday.
• Burghoff, Gary (May 24):  Radar from “M*A*S*H*.”  Uh, Radar from “M*A*S*H*”!
• Carey, Drew (May 23):  He’s pretty funny, though I’ve not seen him in “action” on “The New Price is Right.”
• Cera, Michael (June 7):  Nerdy actor.  Anyone associated with “Arrested Development” is more than ok by me.  Very much looking forward to the movie.
• Chabon, Michael (May 24):  Author of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, a Pulitzer Prize-winning book.  I’ve read it, and it’s good.  I read it back when I belonged to a book club.  The book club went from us reading and discussing books to us not reading and drinking wine.  I need to join another book club.
• Church, Thomas Hayden (June 17):  Actor in “Ned and Stacy” and Sideways.
• Collins, Joan (May 23):  Her character on “Dynasty” has inspired me to keep my former husband’s last name.  While I’m never getting married again, I love the idea of having a string of last names from all of my spouses.
• Dahmer, Jeffrey (May 21):  What?  He was a really good serial killer.  He was really into men.
• Depp, Johnny (June 9):  He’s hot and all, but his continued work with Tim Burton really makes me want to hurl.  I hate Tim Burton and all his stupid movies.  Yes, all of them.
• Eastwood, Clint (May 31):  Clint is just damn cool.  However, I’m not too into the movies he’s been directing lately, and he was a real asshole to Sondra Locke (May 28) back in the day.  I know this due to a court decision I read in law school.  Sondra is also a Gemini.  I told you Geminis dig each other.  A lot.
• Ebert, Roger (June 18):  While I don’t always agree with his reviews, he’s still the living film critic.
• Edelstein, Lisa (May 21):  Inappropriately dressed hottie from “House M.D.” and object of lust of James Deen, whom I may dig even though I’ve never seen him in porn action.

Geminis.  I’m kind of neutral about these ones.

• Abdul, Paula (June 19):  It’s kind of cool that she’s always blitzed out of her mind.
• Atkins, Chet (June 20):  He’s some sort of athlete, right?  Nope, a musician.
• Bakley, Bonny Lee (June 7):  “Famous” for being murdered by someone famous.
• Bellow, Saul (June 10):  I guess he was an important writer.
• Bleeth, Yasmine (June 14): I guess she used to be hot.
• Boone, Pat (June 1):  Singer, right?
• Bush, Barbara (June 8):  Her dog wrote a book.
• Bush, George Herbert Walker (June 12):  Not as stupid as his son.
• Campbell, Naomi (May 22):  She’s a model.  With a violent streak.  Which is kind of cool.
• Carver, Raymond (May 25):  Writer.
• Cassatt, Mary (May 22):  Painter.  I’m not particularly fond of her stuff, but I guess I’m supposed to like it.
• Cousteau, Jacques-Yves (June 11):  Who doesn’t love the ocean?
• Christo (June 13):  “Artist.”
• Clooney, Rosemary (May 23):  George Clooney’s aunt.  I met George Clooney once.  Back before “ER” but after “Facts of Life.”  I’m not sure where “Roseanne” fits in there.  It was the early 90s.
• Cox, Courteney (June 15):  Whatever.  She’s kind of annoying.
• Cox, Nikki (June 2):   Seems to really like funny and funny-ish guys.
• Curtis, Tony (June 3):  He was hot when he was younger.
• Davis, Miles (May 26):   Everyone says he’s cool, but I really don’t like jazz.
• Doyle, Arthur Conan (May 22):  He was knighted.  I never really got into Sherlock Holmes, but the latest movie was homoerotic, which I find very cool.
• Dylan, Bob (May 24):  I know I’m supposed to like him, but I really don’t.  I’m even fucking a guy who’s photographed him, but I still can’t get into ol’ Bob.
• Edwards, John (June 10 or 20, depending on the source):  Politician.  “Cheater.”  I put “cheater” in quotes because his wife may have agreed.  Why can’t more people be open about not being monogamous?
• Emerson, Ralph Waldo (May 25):  Poet and shit.  I know I’m supposed to know and care about this guy, but I really don’t.

To be continued.

I swear.  True story.