Shazam and I picked up a Tenga Egg at a Pleasure Chest sale recently. After I tried it out we had a short discussion about masturbation. This led to her asking me to write about it.

Free hand

We all started here. It’s all you really need. Grab a Kleenex, whip it out and start fapping. The problem is with the money shot. Just letting it go can be messy. Grabbing a Kleenex and covering up at the last moment to limit the mess can cause you to lose your momentum. You do get good at it, though. If you’re undressed and lying down you can just come on your belly and clean up afterward.

Using a condom

I started jerking off with a condom on when I went non-monogamous to get (re)used to fucking while wearing one. This has several advantages. You put some lube in the tip, roll it on once you’re hard, and off you go. The condom slides smoothly near the tip while staying snug at the base of your cock. When you come the condom catches it. Then you can slip it off carefully so as to avoid spillage. Clean up with a Kleenex and you’re done. You don’t need to worry about getting come on your clothes, furniture, or keyboard. Condoms are cheap as well.

Tenga Egg

We saw these a while back and thought we should give them a try. Later, we found them on sale while shopping at The Pleasure Chest. When the sales clerk suggested the “eggs” could be turned inside out and put on the heads of Hitachi Magic Wands, Shazam was sold on it.

I gave it a try for its intended use. I washed it, and added lube as prescribed. I spun up some porn and slipped the egg over my now erect cock and went at it. One thing we wondered was if the texture on the inside would be overly discernible. I didn’t find it to be. It was like jerking off in a sloppy, thick, ill-fitting condom. Furthermore, lube made its way down my cock and out of the egg, resulting in a puddle in my [well-trimmed – Shazam] pubes. The desired result was achieved, but as the egg isn’t snug like a condom, it was harder to keep stuff from spilling out afterward. I wasn’t overwhelmed by either the utility or tidiness of the egg.

Summary

My choice is to masturbate either by hand if cleanup isn’t a concern (i.e naked, and ideally lying down) or with a condom if it is. I found the egg impractical, messy, and with no advantage over a condom. Also, they’re damned expensive.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

Cucumbers make great dildos, but she’s not doing it right.  What you need to do is peel the cucumber, leaving enough on one end to act as a handle.  Cucumbers are very wet when peeled, which makes for some nice lube. (I’d use an organic one just to be safe.)  However, like any lube, you get it on your hands and everything’s harder to grip.  So leave enough peel on one end to grab on to that cucumber so you can fuck yourself or your partner.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

Even erotic photos and photos I see on Instagram I like the ones that are good photos first, and interesting subjects second.

This one I don’t actually find all that erotic.  Why did I pick it?  Because I blindly picked it out of my photo file.  This one won.

This photo I like because of the repeating vertical lines cut by whatever the fuck is behind them on the left and the riding crop (?) the woman is holding.

The highlight, of course, is the woman’s crazy fucking back muscles.  Yes, of course it’s occurred to me that she may not be biologically XX, but that doesn’t matter because that is a crazy fucking back.  Crazy sexy.

I like this photo a lot, though it can be assumed that any photo I post here is one that I like a lot.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Another of the Viking's stories that has been on Fleshbot.  I suppose they like the dirty stuff.]

We were both so horny that we groped and kissed only briefly before I forced my cock into her. We fucked primally for a while before I pulled out and made my way down to her pussy, leaving a trail of wet kisses.

I spent time using my mouth on her pussy before pushing her legs up and forcibly holding them with a hand behind each knee. With her like that I had full access to her asshole, and took full advantage, licking and tonguefucking with abandon. This continued for some time, rolling her onto her side then her belly and slipping 2 fingers into her pussy as I continued tonguing her ass. I love how she pushes her ass back onto my face when I have my tongue in her ass. So deliciously crude and nasty.

But after continuing that for a while, I rolled her onto her back and put my cock back into her pussy and pounded her until we both lie there, sweaty and breathing hard. After catching our breath, she rolls over onto her knees with her shoulders on the bed, ass in the air. “Put it in me from behind.”

That view of her pussy and ass is so exquisite that I had to take a moment and worship with my mouth once more. But only for a moment, before I slipped my cock into her cunt. As I fucked her, I teased her asshole with my thumb, eventually pushing it all the way in. That got a very favorable response. I continued fucking her ass with my thumb until she asked for more. I slipped my thumb out and replaced it with a finger. I added another and started rubbing my cock which was still in her pussy.

In time I slipped my fingers from her ass and replaced them with my cock, eventually coming deep in her ass.

“You’re not finished yet,” she said when I pulled out of her ass. Silly girl. I had no intention of being finished with her yet. She flipped onto her back and grabbed the Hitachi. I lubed up a couple fingers and slipped them into her pussy. Two, three, four. In to my thumb, then all the way out, twisting all the while, stretching her and opening her for what was about to happen.

I added more lube, tucked in my thumb and slowly pushed the rest of my hand into her. I love that point the first time my hand is going into her, when the base of the thumb clears and my whole hand gets sucked in.

I fisted her and, as usually happens, started playing with her asshole. I soon had 2 fingers in her ass in addition to the hand in her pussy. The fingers in her ass, palm facing up (and toward my other hand), let me rub the hand in her pussy. That was mind blowing. I spread the fingers in her ass so that I had one on either side of my other hand.

Soon I was pounding her with my hand: pulling all the way out before thrusting it back in. The whole time with those fingers in her ass, feeling every move of my other hand. Then, with a little rearranging of my hand, I started rubbing her gspot with a couple knuckles. Between the Hitachi on her clit, my hand in her cunt, and my fingers in her ass, she was soon trashing and bucking and screaming through her orgasm.

She’d finally had enough, and we soon had fallen asleep in each other’s arms.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I know I’ve not been writing about the fucking lately.  That’s because for the most part (more to come on that), I’ve been fucking just one person.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with fucking just one person, but I do think writing again and again about fucking the same person can be boring, and reading about the same sex again and again can be really boring.

Which is absolutely not so say the sex the Viking and I have is boring.  It’s anything but.  I’m the one with the problem: I lack imagination or the ability to write about something old in a new way.  Which isn’t to say the sex the Viking and I have is old.

Fuck, I’ll just refer you to @darkdracie‘s blog post of text messages from the Viking about our sex life.  Kind of convoluted, I know.

Have you read it yet?  Really, you’re that lazy?  It’s just a click.  Also, Gracie’s blog is sexy and fun.  Way sexier than this one has been lately, which is why I referred you.  I’m nice like that.

So now that you’ve read an account of my sex life – an account, by the way, the reading of which made me feel tingly in my bathing suit place – you know that I have some very fun and very dirty sex with the Viking.

Yes, reading it made me feel horny and I had actually done it.  Just in case you’re confused, the Viking fucked me the old fashioned way, then he went down on me with his come in my pussy, then he got most of his hand in my pussy while putting his dick in my ass, then I asked for the whole hand in my pussy, then I came from the dick in my ass/fist in my pussy/vibrator on my clit combo, then the Viking came in my ass.  I really do make the Viking work quite hard.  So far he’s not complaining.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

That’s right, Random Rim Jobbers, I now have two sponsors.  Both of them sell items that can be used alone or with a partner (or partners) to get off.  Come.  Orgasm.  You know, that good feeling the French call le petit mort.

Go ahead and click on the links over there to the right and see if you can’t find something to put in your pussy or ass, something in which you can put your cock, something that vibrates, something that binds you or blinds you.  I’m sure if y’all buy things after clicking through from here, the companies will be more likely to renew their contracts with me, thereby making me some money.  Money I will probably spend on a new butt plug or something.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Continued from "My Buddy Ozzie (Part 2)."]

I want to make it clear, dear readers, that I was having fun with Ozzie.  I liked correcting him because he didn’t like it.  I liked going through his emails point by point because he did the typical asshole thing of equating singleness with loneliness, calling single women “cat ladies,” resorting to insulting a woman based on her looks, and generally showing himself to be an asshole.

I am still writing to you.  You, Ozzie, amuse me.  I find your poor writing comical so I’m glad I am able to give back by amusing you and your coworkers.

I am not a lonely cat lady.  Actually, we haven’t even established that I am a lady.  I will now establish it:  I am a lady.  I am also a woman with just two X chromosomes and the appearance and plumbing that goes along with that genetic gift.  I do have a cat; you got that right, too.  Congratulations, Ozzie, you’ve made two correct guesses.  But here is where you go terribly wrong.

According to UrbanDictionary.com‘s definition of “cat lady,” I am not one.  A “cat lady” is old.  I am not old, Ozzie, I am younger than your stated age of 42, and we’ve all heard that people are living longer all the time.  According to this chart, a woman my age can expect to live to be about 75, and since I’m not even within 30 years of my 75th birthday I do not consider myself old.  I can see how someone much younger than me would consider me old, but we needn’t address that since, as you said, you are older than me.

The other reason I am not a “cat lady” is that I have only one cat.  Every “cat lady” definition requires said old lady to own multiple cats.  I have just one.  His name is Joaquin and he’s quite cute.  I’ve attached a photo of him enjoying some fresh air.  I hope you like it.

Ozzie, you and your coworkers keep getting things only partially right, and that’s just a shame.  I do not have several Hitachis.  By “Hitachi” I assume you mean Hitachi Magic Wand, the so-called Cadillac of vibrators.  Because Magic Wands are so great, I have only one.  It’s trusty and always at the ready to provide me not only with back massages, but also with stimulation of a more … shall we say … intimate nature.  When it breaks, I’ll happily replace it, but until it does, I am a one-Hitachi girl.

I assume “100 responses my ass!” was your way of scoffing at my claim that I have received hundreds (Plural, buddy, read closely.) of responses to Craig’s List ads I have placed.  I have no way of proving it to you, and for that I’m sorry since you clearly won’t take my word for it.

Ozzie, one of my pet peeves is when people use the wrong your/you’re.  Since we’re just getting to know each other I realize you didn’t know that and that is why you’ve written to me so carelessly using the wrong one.  Please don’t do that again.

As for me being homely, I am not.  I would send you a photo of me, but with facial recognition software and such I’m worried that you, Ozzie, might become a little stalkerish.  My mother did not raise a fool, and I do not wish to invite you to gaze upon my lovely countenance.  I know you will take this to mean that you are right, that I am unlovely, but please know that I have not once lied to you in any way whatsoever.

It’s funny that you say my ass couldn’t get a date.  It’s funny because it is precisely my ass that got me a date (and a lot more) with my current partner.  I know you’re curious, Ozzie, so I’ll tell you.  My ass – well a picture of it – was on a website of an adult nature.  I had entered a fun contest of, yep, asses.  My current partner, then stranger, was so taken with my ass that he did some research (he’s good at that) and found my Online presence.  We happened to live in the same city and he asked me out for lunch.  The rest is history.  I swear.  True story.

I do not surf Craig’s List all day, Ozzie.  I happened to be bored in the wee hours of last night and thought I’d take a look.  Sometimes the ads provide amusement.  Sometimes the ads compel me act.  Yours did both.  I am not on Craig’s List right now, Ozzie, I am writing to you.  I am taking the time to write to you.  Like I said, you amuse me.

Ozzie, dear, you did not hear me say anything, and as I am not a retard, I did not find it necessary to say out loud what I was typing.  Ozzie, you and I have never met.  You have no idea what my voice sounds like.  If, by chance, you have heard me because, say, you happen to be my upstairs neighbor, please, for all that is holy, stop with the noisy wrestling matches on the weekends.

I’m not sure why being up at 2am – or 2pm for that matter – has anything to do with whether someone is a “loser” in your mind.  Not everyone has the same schedule as you.  I looked, and there is no such thing as Ozzie Time.

Who do I think I am?  Again, Ozzie, I would tell you exactly who I am, but I really have absolutely no interest in you coming around my way.  Why?  Well, Ozzie, I get the distinct impression that while you may want to have sex with women, you don’t especially like them.  It seemed very easy for you to attack me (calling me a lonely, fat, homely, feline-obsessed, masturbating bitch) after I said that your writing made you look like a moron.  I have no idea if you are, in fact a moron, but I do know that what you’ve written both in your Craig’s List ad and your emails to me make you appear as though you have the brain power and social skills of a drunken high school jock.

I find it lame, Ozzie, that you, a white man in his 40s, has adopted the vernacular of urban youth.  Really, “beeeyotch”?  Come on, Ozzie, you’re an adult.  Act and write like one.

You keep calling me a lonely loser, but you’re the one who placed the Craig’s List ad.  Are you projecting, Ozzie?

No, I didn’t think I’m going to change this guy’s mind in any way, but he was providing me with material and I had been a little behind on posts.

To be continued ….

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Continued from "My Buddy Ozzie (Part 1)."]

Because Ozzie didn’t bother to proofread what he wrote me after I made clear that I care about that sort of thing, I just had to write back.  Also, I like to get someone’s goat.

After I finished correcting your atrocious grammar, I got in bed with my partner, and he proceeded to fuck me.  We both had lovely orgasms.  Thank you for asking.

What makes you think I’m a “loser”? That I was up at 2am?  Perhaps I’m a night person.  Perhaps I work nights.  I do have a life and part of what brings me pleasure is to tell men who post on Craig’s List that they’d be more likely to get laid if they used proper grammar and spelling.  Straight women looking at Craig’s List can afford to be picky since they are far outnumbered by straight men so any little reason to write someone off as stupid, or pathetic, or overambitious in his desires can and will move on.

I am not at all bitter.  I am, however, realistic.  I am not currently single, but I’d be just as happy if I were.  Being single is not a bad thing.  I know I did not include a photo with my note, so I’m not sure why you feel you can judge my looks or my weight.  I have gotten laid.  Not only did I get laid last night, as I said above, but I have been laid several times over since first getting laid when I was 16.  I do currently have someone significant in my life, as I’ve said, but do not feel that having him in my life – though it is a wonderful thing – makes my life complete, as I am a complete person both with and without him.

Get ready to be shocked, buddy: Those eight responses will result in nothing.  Some are from men.  Some are spam.  Some are from women who are not emotionally available and/or have a kid or two but hope you’ll look past that.  I’ve been doing this Craig’s List thing for a while and to have only eight responses really is quite sad.  I have placed ads that have gotten literally hundreds of responses.

How could I be obsessed with someone I know absolutely nothing about other than that he’s a shitty writer?  I am not jealous of your writing skills, nor am I jealous of your lame email address.

Again, if I were Ozzie, I probably would have let it go, but Ozzie appears to be the type who has to get the last word.  Two people can play that game, and he’s giving me material.

Are you still writing me?? Whats up with this pathetic obssesion you have with me?? I am not interested in a losers like you! My friends at working are laughing at your email. They say you sound so pathetic and your probably a lonley cat lady with several hitachis. 100 responses my ass! Your homely you know it. Your as scouldnt get a date. Thats why you are surfing craigslist all day bitch! I have a heavy duty shovel for all the bullshit that spewed out of your mouth in your last email. Staying up till 2am and critizing craigslist posts?????  Are you kidding me? WHAT A FUCKING LOSER YOU ARE!!! Who the fuck do you think you are bitch!! Stop obssesing over me and get back to your fucking cats……..Beeeyotch!!

His writing kept getting worse, and of course I felt the need to address it.  I also had to address the fact that he made certain assumptions about me.

To be continued ….

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I’ve been sponsored.  With money!

Y’all have been seeing the ads down the right column of Random Rim Jobs for years now, and I’m sure most of you assumed that I was getting paid to display them.  Y’all would have been wrong.  I have “affiliate” relationships with several companies, which means if you click on the ads and then purchase something from the sites and if the sales are above a certain amount for a few months in a row that I’ll get paid.  If any of those requirements aren’t fulfilled, I get nothing.  I’ve never been paid for any of the ads I’ve placed on Random Rim Jobs.

But now I’m getting paid to place a text ad for sex toys for Eden Fantasys and I think it’s great.  I should be paid, dammit.  It would be wonderful if Random Rim Jobs were profitable.  I’ve been listening to a several podcasts for years and two of them – “Keith & the Girl” and “Distorted View Daily” in particular – have become self-sustaining.  What went from hobbies in the beginning went to careers eventually.  Both of those podcasts’ hosts are able to support themselves strictly on funds from donations or subscriptions or merchandise, some of which I’ve contributed.

It would be great if I were able to pay my bills and such strictly from my daily work on Random Rim Jobs.  I write daily, dammit.  Most podcasts only post five days a week; I post seven days a week, 365 days a year.  It’s true I post daily, the actual definition of “daily.”  I know Random Rim Jobs is just one of many “sex blogs” and mine doesn’t stand out all that much, but I honestly don’t know of any others that actually post every damn day of the year.  (Go ahead, look at my stats.)  Every fucking day.

So go ahead and click on the link up there to the right, and buy some sex toys.  I like wands Pure and Magic, both of which do a very good job of making me come.  The Pure Wand may seem expensive but after you do the math, you’ll realize it’s one of the cheapest toys out there because it will last forever – it’s pure stainless steel – and give consistent results.  Also, because it can be sterilized or encondomed, it can be shared.  Cost per orgasm is mere pennies.

The Magic Wand is just great.  I’m still on my first one, and I use it daily.  I love not having to worry about batteries because my Magic Wand is always plugged in and ready to go.  Sure, it’d be worthless on a camping trip or in a blackout, but I have backups for those occasions.

Help me make cash and get yourself the sex toys you wanted anyway.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

Since the move I’ve been doing a lot of purging.  It’s been great to get rid of things we don’t need or want.  A lot went to charity, some went in the trash, some I’ll take to the local UPS store.  I shredded about ten years’ worth of my life which translated into three huge trash bags full of what is now packing materials.  The guy at the UPS store said they could use the packing materials any time I wanted to bring them in.  Good, because I hate wasting things.

I hate wasting things so much that I’ve sent my old TiVo to someone who said he wanted it.  Gratis.  He says he’ll reimburse me for the shipping, but I’m not holding my breath.  I just hope he can get some use out of a perfectly good TiVo with lifetime service included.  It had been sitting around literally collecting dust (which I did not bother removing before boxing up the machine) for years.

Some things just had to be thrown away because, well, it’s gross to use someone else’s sex toys unless you know the person and are using safer sex practices and all that.  I’m pretty sure there are no charities that are willing to resell sex toys, even if they aren’t pre-used.  So in the trash the toys had to go.

Why would I throw away sex toys?!  Why would I throw away sex toys I had never used?  (That one on its side is in original packaging.)  Because I was organizing the Drawer O’ Sex.  Some of the toys I had used and hated (the greenish thing at the bottom of the photo) while some I hadn’t bothered to use (those dongs are too small).

From our bedroom window we can see the alley beyond the back yard where trash cans for the buildings on our street are kept.  I’ve seen people go through the trash, as happens in any urban area.  And there are the trash collectors.  And the various people who work in the refuse disposal business.  Really, my discarded sex toys have a chance to be seen by many, many people before their final resting place under other refuse in a landfill.  They’ll be especially easy to see since the trash bag I used was essentially a giant zip lock bag and therefore clear.

With the unneeded toys out of the way, I could organize the Drawer O’ Sex.  Now there’s no need to dig around to find what we’re looking for since everything has a place.  All the lube is in the front right.  The glass toys are nestled in their padded pouches.  My favorite dildo is in its tube up front.  Over to the left is a series of long, skinny, bumpy things for the butt.  Just to the right of those are the fun restraints including a roll of bondage tape.  And the bag of safety pins … those are fun.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.