They both look like they’re having a lot of fun.  Well they should.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I get the idea from feedback that the barrage of what amounts to “look how dumb men are” posts is getting old.  I’m sorry.

Not all the men with whom I deal are dummies.  Some of them are not.  Some of them I’ve fucked.  The ones I fuck have passed several levels of scrutiny by the time their penises go inside me.  The first level is, of course the opening line.

For every ten shitty opening lines I get one decent one.  Each one of those doesn’t result in a fucking, but it results in more than my ridicule.

Hi, I like your profile and think you are absolutely gorgeous. And (from what I can read) I think we are looking for the same thing. I’m not into games, but require discretion–hence why i don’t have a profile picture–but if you provide me with an email then i’ll send some pictures so that you can have a look and see if i’m your type. In short, i’m a young, but mature, sporty guy who is (and looks) scandinavian. Hope to hear from you, and explore the prospect of having mutually beneficial fun together. take care, Mark.

Unfortunately, Mark’s profile lacked content.  It said nothing and had no photos; there was nothing that would allow me to determine if I wanted to meet the guy.  I don’t have the time, energy, or motivation to do the work necessary to get the information that would have been included in a good profile.

LOVE your profile. I really appreciate it when people state exactly what they want on here and I appreciate it even more when people are very upfront and blunt about it. I have little patience for the games people play on here myself…

At any rate, I enjoyed reading your profile and I suspect we might get along pretty well.

Cheers

Cameron

I not only responded to this guy but we scheduled a time to meet in person.  I went to his neighborhood, which was a hefty bus ride away, and we had a nice conversation over a couple of drinks.  Then we went back to his place that was unfortunately occupied by a roommate he hated and her dreadlocked boyfriend; we left.  We had a pleasant time but nothing earth-shattering.  I don’t think he was any more surprised that I didn’t contact him than I was that he didn’t contact me.

I’ve never come across a profile as direct as yours, I like it! What are you doing this weekend?
Michael

This guy and I set up a meeting as well, though it wasn’t for a weekend, when I spend my time with the Viking.  We exchanged numbers and texted to coordinate schedules.  First, we were going to meet on a Friday at a place of his choosing.  Then, he had alternative plan and asked that we reschedule, which we did, to a place of my choosing.  Five hours before we were to meet, he confirmed; all was on.  Finally, a mere 13 minutes before we were to meet, he texted that he couldn’t make it.  I consider that flaking and I let him know.  He no longer has an OkCupid profile.

Hi…you keep coming up in my quiver so I thought I’d take a look….you’re absolutely GORGEOUS. We seem to have quite a bit in common, especially when it comes to sex. I’m very glad to see you’re honest about being here for sex and I’m excited you’d even consider performing anilingus on a partner….that is just incredibly hot….so hi. I’m Steve. Do you really swallow?

I know this would seem like it might be too forward for me to respond, but there must have been something about this guy – probably that he was nice enough to call me gorgeous – and his profile that caused me to respond.  We were both busy for a while so we had to schedule well ahead.  We had settled on a date, time, and place when I got this message:

Sounds excellent. Do you generally like to fuck on a first meeting if all goes well? If so, do you have condoms and lube and all that fun stuff or should I come equipped?

I appreciated that he asked – rather than assumed – about the fucking on the first meeting so I told him as much.  I also answered his question – we wouldn’t be fucking right away.  He didn’t indicate that if we weren’t going to fuck that our meeting was off so I went ahead and showed up on time.

He did not.  I let him know that there’d be no other chance with me.  He no longer has an OkCupid profile.

I had been flaked on twice in less than 18 hours, and those were the guys who’d had good opening lines.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

This just looks like fun!  I love my ass eaten.  I love eating ass.  It’s just damn fun to burrow my face between ass cheeks, licking at that puckered skin.  It’s fun because it never fails to make the lickee squirm.  Tip:  Keep your tongue flat and wide when licking ass; don’t stick it in right away, work up to that.

The lady in this picture should be able to back her ass up into the guy’s face so he can get up in there.  Yum.

I love the cheesy setting of a cheep hotel counter top.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Another of the Viking's stories that has been on Fleshbot.  I suppose they like the dirty stuff.]

We were both so horny that we groped and kissed only briefly before I forced my cock into her. We fucked primally for a while before I pulled out and made my way down to her pussy, leaving a trail of wet kisses.

I spent time using my mouth on her pussy before pushing her legs up and forcibly holding them with a hand behind each knee. With her like that I had full access to her asshole, and took full advantage, licking and tonguefucking with abandon. This continued for some time, rolling her onto her side then her belly and slipping 2 fingers into her pussy as I continued tonguing her ass. I love how she pushes her ass back onto my face when I have my tongue in her ass. So deliciously crude and nasty.

But after continuing that for a while, I rolled her onto her back and put my cock back into her pussy and pounded her until we both lie there, sweaty and breathing hard. After catching our breath, she rolls over onto her knees with her shoulders on the bed, ass in the air. “Put it in me from behind.”

That view of her pussy and ass is so exquisite that I had to take a moment and worship with my mouth once more. But only for a moment, before I slipped my cock into her cunt. As I fucked her, I teased her asshole with my thumb, eventually pushing it all the way in. That got a very favorable response. I continued fucking her ass with my thumb until she asked for more. I slipped my thumb out and replaced it with a finger. I added another and started rubbing my cock which was still in her pussy.

In time I slipped my fingers from her ass and replaced them with my cock, eventually coming deep in her ass.

“You’re not finished yet,” she said when I pulled out of her ass. Silly girl. I had no intention of being finished with her yet. She flipped onto her back and grabbed the Hitachi. I lubed up a couple fingers and slipped them into her pussy. Two, three, four. In to my thumb, then all the way out, twisting all the while, stretching her and opening her for what was about to happen.

I added more lube, tucked in my thumb and slowly pushed the rest of my hand into her. I love that point the first time my hand is going into her, when the base of the thumb clears and my whole hand gets sucked in.

I fisted her and, as usually happens, started playing with her asshole. I soon had 2 fingers in her ass in addition to the hand in her pussy. The fingers in her ass, palm facing up (and toward my other hand), let me rub the hand in her pussy. That was mind blowing. I spread the fingers in her ass so that I had one on either side of my other hand.

Soon I was pounding her with my hand: pulling all the way out before thrusting it back in. The whole time with those fingers in her ass, feeling every move of my other hand. Then, with a little rearranging of my hand, I started rubbing her gspot with a couple knuckles. Between the Hitachi on her clit, my hand in her cunt, and my fingers in her ass, she was soon trashing and bucking and screaming through her orgasm.

She’d finally had enough, and we soon had fallen asleep in each other’s arms.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[This was submitted to me a long time ago.  I didn't post it sooner because, well, I find it repulsive.  But because I need material and because this is a good example of what I don't like, I thought I'd post it.  Everything in italics is mine.]

At first, I’m a little shy – not the casual cool I tend to be – but her tweets and blog have gotten me hard and gotten me off so many times, I’m nervous. I also feel as though I need to impress her. I don’t want to be another run-of-the-mill blog-spot about how I was lame in bed when I try to get a hold of her for another encounter.

We go for drinks and I start to mellow out, relaxing and staring at her gorgeous ass is starting to give me a semi. I can’t take it anymore, I need to have her. I masturbated to the idea of the things I’d do to her last night. I was extremely excited but still maintained a nervous edge. Butterflies. Just be cool.

“Why don’t we get out of here and you can sit on my face?” I say, in my care-free tone, persuasive body movement. She’s a good little slut and agrees, we go back to my place.

Just as we enter the front door, we start making out. I’m not big on kissing, but people tell me I’m good at it.
I pull down her pants and her thong and spin her around, grab her hips and on my knees I start to lick her asshole, parting her ass cheeks with my hands and enjoying every single lick.

I lay down and pull her on top of me, her ass is smothering my face. It’s delicious, my cock begins growing in my pants and she reaches down and undoes them, moving my boxers aside to get to my raging cock – it’s small, 3.5 inches. I hope she doesn’t mind. [She does.]
She grabs and strokes it with her hand, but I reach under her and move her hand aside and hold her still. Enjoying her gorgeous ass.

After a few minutes I lift her up just enough so I can speak. “Now, you can suck it bitch!” She leans in and starts sucking [Uh, no she wouldn't.], I slide my tongue from her asshole to her delicious little pussy. She’s so moist and has an amazing aroma, just how I’d imagined it. I kiss her inner thigh, licking it and then suck on her pussy lips. She moans gently and finally I attack her clit with my tongue. Her mouth is so warm around my cock and she sucks it so well, I could cum [sic] instantly.

I lift her off of me and push her down on the floor, she gets up into the doggy style position and looks back and smiles. I twirl my index finger around her moist little asshole and then insert it. I insert a second finger and then a third, her asshole is soft and stretched [which he needn't have bothered to do considering the size of the penis]. She’s moaning gently and still smiling.

I bend down and shove my dick in her ass, fast with no remorse. She loves it, I know she does. She blogs about being an anal whore. The depths of her asshole are surprisingly tight. I fuck her, pulling her hair back and slamming my cock into her gorgeous ass. She’s screaming, she loves my cock [She would not love that cock.] – good for her. She’s behaving nicely. I could fuck her ass all day. I grab her hips and lift her up a little, slamming my cock into her harder and harder. She’s bucking.

Her pussy starts squirting onto my hard wood floor. [This is clearly a guy who doesn't understand pussies and squirting.] I pull my cock out of her insides [What a gross way to describe that.] and move to the couch. I bend over the couch and she instinctively gets on her knees and starts eating my asshole. She’s very well behaved. I reach back and hold her head in my ass. It’s never been eaten so well. I could come from this alone. She spits on her hand and reaches under me, grabbing my cock and stroking it in motion with her soft wet tongue. I don’t want to cum [sic]. I want it to last forever.

I stand up, she keeps eating my ass. Her tongue slides up and down my asshole. I move away and go to the closest and pull out a strapon, she smiles with glee. It’s 12 inches long and 3 inches wide. She reaches for it, but I hold onto it and shove it inside her wet cunt. She moans out but she takes the entire thing, I pound her with it while I rub her gorgeous tits.
Her pussy sprays again, all over the sofa this time. I’m going to need to hire a maid to clean up her puddles.

I give her the strap on and she fastens it to her waste [sic]. I lean down and suck on it, taking as much as I can until I gag. Getting it as wet as possible. I reach behind her while I suck it and finger her ass. Finally, I give her ass a swift smack and bend over the sofa. She pushes it in me and I could almost scream, I grab the couch. I’ve never been fucked before, but I want to impress her.
After a minute or two, it feels great. I start moaning, she tells me to stroke my cock and be a good bitch.
She keeps pounding, relentlessly. I’m going to cum [sic], I can’t hold it anymore.

I moan “I’m cumming, I’m cumming,” and she stops, ripping the brutal dildo [Oh, those brutal dildos!] out my ass and she bends over. I push it [Which "it," the dildo or his cock?] in her ass and shoot my load deep inside of her. [Oh, his cock, what there is of it.] She looks back smiling again and after my cum [sic] is drained into her ass she tells me to lay down. I do what I’m told. She squats over me. Her ass hovers over my face. She rests her hands on my stomach and asks if I’m ready. “Keep your mouth open,” she says.

I open my mouth and her asshole starts to pucker out. My cum [sic] comes dripping out of her ass and directly onto my tongue. I swallow it. It tastes amazing. She lowers her ass and I instinctively clean her asshole with my tongue. She’s still pushing and starts to piss on my chest. Uh, my best shirt but it was worth it.

She stands up and I stand up. She puts her pants on, fastens her shirt, leaving her panties on my floor for me to keep. She looks at me and gives me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She smiles and walks away without saying anything, she walks out the front door. I hope she calls me back for a return encounter.

[Uh, gross.  This would most definitely not be a good date for me.]

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Continued from "Bed for Four (Part 1)."]

The Brit and I chatted for a bit.  She asked if, perhaps, she could get another guy to join us, if I could host.  She had been in my place, she knew very well that I had it to myself that night.  I said I could host but I didn’t want to guarantee sex with just anyone.  She assured me the guy she had in mind was cute, that he had a big cock, and that he was a good fuck.

Mrs. Vet and her date took off.  They had been making out like teenagers and needed to continue their fun in a less public place.  That left the Vet, the Brit, and me to our own devices.

We went across the street to get some pizza.  While waiting for the food, we saw the acquaintance who had spoken at the Make-Out Room.  The Vet and I talked to her while the Brit met the new guy out front.  I had told the Vet some inside information about the acquaintance before we left my place.  I had not made it clear that the information was inside information, but I still didn’t think the Vet would tell the subject of said information that he knew the information.  Out of my earshot, though, that is exactly what the Vet did.

I was embarrassed that I looked like a gossip, especially considering the information I had was, according to the acquaintance, not accurate.  It was interesting to know that there were most definitely two sides to the story, and chances are the “truth” was somewhere in between.

We got our pizza and our foursome gathered on the sidewalk.  The Brit was right, the guy was cute.  The four of us stopped at a liquor store for provisions – vodka and soda for me, and gin and tonic for the Brit and the Irish.  The guy the Brit had join us was Irish.  Two people with sexy accents for sexy times?  Yes, please.

After some pizza and drinks the four of us made our way to my bedroom.  Then, because we all knew why we were there, we were naked and our bodies were writhing about each other.

It was a good combination of people for a foursome.  The Brit and I are both of curvy figure. Both the Vet and the Irish both had nice thick cocks.  It’s always good when there aren’t huge discrepancies amongst the naked bodies.  I had a foursome that I would not qualify as a success, partially because the guys’ cocks were of vastly different size.  I spent a lot of time in that threesome avoiding the guy with the tiny cock because I didn’t want it in me.

Not so with the Vet and the Irish.  They both had lovely cocks that I wanted in my pussy and in my mouth.  With the aid of the boxes of condoms I keep on either side of the bed, there was penis-in-vagina fucking.  There was cock sucking.  There was pussy licking.  There was watching.  The Vet likes to watch. 

When I’m in a fuck mood I can be pretty rough and like it pretty rough.  Both the Vet and the Irish throttled me whilst fucking me.  I like the feeling of getting my pussy pounded while feeling a bit lightheaded.  The Vet is often surprised he can be as rough with me as he can, but I can take a lot.

And because I can take a lot I sometimes forget that not everyone can – or wants to.  I’m a biter.  I like to bite as hard as I like to be bitten.  When I’m in the bitey mood it really is rather difficult to get me not to bite.  I left both the Brit and the Vet with bite-induced bruises.  The Brit has since told the Vet that she’d like to have another group situation so long as I promise not to bite.

Along with biting I also swallow.  I was lucky enough to get to swallow two loads of come – one from each of the gentlemen – that night.

Generally, my mouth was pretty busy.  I licked the Brit’s pussy.  I don’t get to lick enough pussy in my life.  I need to do something about that.

My mouth also found its way to the Vet’s ass when he was fucking the Brit.  That’s one of my specialties in group situations:  licking man ass while his cock is otherwise engaged.

The Brit and the Irish left, leaving the Vet and I to fuck once more before falling asleep.  The Vet left in the morning, but not until after taking Isis out.  He’s quite the gentleman.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I like licking ass.  There’s a good reason I call my site Random Rim Jobs.  I did not think of the name, but as soon as I heard it I knew it was the one for me.  Well, the one for my blog.

Yes, I lick ass.  I have to be in the mood, but if I am I usually take charge and tell my partner to turn over so I can get to his ass.  Or her ass, as the case may be.  Pointer for ass licking:  Your tongue should not be a pointer.  Keep it flat and wide, people.  And no, the ass needn’t be hair free for rim job purposes.  If you’re all that freaked out by naturally occurring body hair you shouldn’t bother having sex … of any kind.

Well, you can have sex with children, but I certainly don’t condone that sort of thing since children cannot consent.  I’m all about safe, sane, and consensual, and you should be, too.  And fucking children is pretty damn creepy.  Don’t do that.  Instead, lick consenting adult ass.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

April 15 looms large in the minds of Americans because it’s the last day to file and pay taxes.  I had e-filed and paid both federal and California state taxes the day before so April 15 itself was not a day of panic.

Instead it was a day of fuck.  The day of fuck.

The day of fuck began, as all days truly do, at midnight.  The ‘mate and I had received Liberator’s Wedge and Ramp and were using them for the first time.  The cover of the Ramp already needs to be washed thanks to our April 15 activities.  The Ramp was very helpful when the ‘Mate went down on me.  I could lie back so my pussy and ass were on full display at the top of the ramp.  My legs flipped back to get those pesky things out of the way.  The ‘Mate went to town licking my ass and pussy.

Then, as is my wont, I wanted something in my pussy.  Something big and heavy and hard:  an NJoy Pure Wand a friend had so kindly loaned to me.  The Viking (who is also the ‘Mate) was happy to accommodate me.  He fucked my pussy with the Pure Wand.  Then, because when I’m in a mood like that I want more, more, more, the ‘Mate was nice enough to put his cock in my pussy.  Along with the Pure Wand.

At first he fucked me with his cock and continued to fuck me with the toy.  Then, because the Pure Wand is a really great toy, he realized he could leave it in place without fear that it’d fall out or get in the way.  This allowed him to concentrate on making his cock feel good in my pussy and up against the Pure Wand.  His cock and the Wand were happily cohabitating in my pussy.

Yes, it felt fucking fantastic.  The Wedge and the Ramp have found a place in the bedroom.  They can’t fit in the drawer o’ sex, but they fit nicely next to the dresser in which the drawer o’ sex is located.  And I’m gonna have to get me one of those Pure Wands.  [That Amazon Wish List button does work, folks.]

[To be continued ….]

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I knew it was coming. I’m usually right about these things.

First, the number of face-to-face meetings diminished significantly.  We used to see each other just because our paths happened to cross during the day.  And we went on real dates out in public.

We kissed in the galleries of the second floor of the SF MoMA.   That was probably way too romantic for something that was supposed to be casual.  But I’m not completely convinced.  We were into each other; it had been a while since we’d kissed; we were in the museum, in completely empty galleries; he reached up, cupped my face with both hands, and right there in front of a Jackson Pollack kissed me.  Dammit, it was great.

The galleries were completely empty because most of the people who were at the museum on a Saturday morning (I think) were there to see Georgia O’Keeffe and Ansel Adams:  Natural Affinities.  We saw that exhibit, but not before walking through the galleries housing the museum’s permanent collection on rotation.  I tried to show him my favorite painting, but it wasn’t up.  But that didn’t matter because I was so giddy from that kiss.

Then we’d only see each other for sex.  I’d spend the night because it was convenient, but then he couldn’t wait to get me out in the mornings, even on weekends.  I got the hint and got the fuck out of there.

Then he told me that he really liked fucking me.  We had great sex together.  Great.  His cock would hit me in just the right place when we were fucking missionary.  It was hard to look into his eyes because he was so there.

He loved his ass licked.  And I loved to get my face all wet from sucking on his ass.  I loved that I could make him feel so good.

He really dug biting me.  I dug it too.  I’d come away from our time together with bite-sized bruises on the tops of my breasts and the fronts of my shoulders – where he could reach down to bite me when he was fucking me.  He never broke the skin but he grabbed a jaw full of flesh in a way that made me swoon.

I gave him a paint stirrer to use on me.  Paint stirrers make a great sound but don’t hurt that much when making contact with flesh.  He spanked my ass with the stirrer.  And he spanked my pussy.  I especially liked that, but I still think slapping pussy looks stupid in porn.

He’d look so cute walking around in the mornings, naked.  So little and cute.  But with a nice big cock.  It was nice and straight and smooth.  I liked sucking it but never got it down my throat.

He’d fist me.  Which would make me come so fucking hard.  So hard that it scared me.  He just accepted that that’s how I was when I came.  And then I’d need to hide under the covers for a little while.

While we fucked he often told me that I looked good enjoying myself; that he liked that he could see I was enjoying myself.  When he slapped me he said I looked both turned on and surprised.  I knew he was going to slap me, but that he did it so hard, and that it felt so fucking good is what gave me a start.

After the visits dropped off, our only form of communication was text.  We used to talk on the phone – I talked, he listened.

When he told me that the sex was really good, that our sex was really good, I knew that was a kiss-off of sorts.  It sounded like he wanted to assure me that what he was about to do wasn’t because the sex was bad.

Then the canceled dates.  All by text.  Not feeling sexy, want to come watch tv as a consolation prize?  No, I want to fuck.

Then he was sick.  And I think I believe that he truly was sick.  But being sick canceled another date, which gave him more time to think about things.  When I contacted him a couple of times without response I knew that it was over, but I hoped he wouldn’t be the type to just ignore me.

He wasn’t.  He responded that he was rethinking the casual sex thing.  When we met he told me he’d never had casual sex before.  I like being a guy’s first.  At least he’ll remember me.

He’s young – 26.  Twenty-six-year-olds keep breaking my heart.

He didn’t do anything wrong.  But it would have been nice to see him again.  And to have his cock hit that spot again.  And to have him bite me and fist me and spank me and slap me.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I want this shirt so badly.  I’d wear it with pride and probably get a few dates out of the deal.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.