Random Rim Jobs

Teeth are important.  It was probably my step-mother who made me realize that.  Before I lived with her and my father, I’d visit during school breaks.  That’s when I’d go to the dentist.

I can’t remember if my mother ever took me to the dentist.  Oral hygiene was not stressed in her family and orthodontia was never an option for her as one of 12 children of very poor parents.  I recently saw pictures of my mother back when she and my father were engaged.  She had some very fucked up teeth.  My father’s teeth were straight, but he had braces as a child.

For years I thought it was solely my father’s genes that necessitated both my sister and I get braces, but our mother was to blame as well.  Between the time of the engagement photos and what I can remember as a kid, my mother must have had major dental work because her teeth were straight for the most part.  She never talked about it, which is very strange because my mother talked about everything.  She was an oversharer.  (No, she’s not dead, but she can’t remember what to overshare any more.)

After having good oral hygiene instilled in me, and having years of braces, I’m rather proud of my relatively white, straight teeth.  I like my smile, even if it can be a little big and gummy.  If I hadn’t had braces as a child, I would have definitely gotten them for myself as an adult.  With few exceptions, I’ve gone to the dentist every six months for proper cleanings.  I invested in a custom-made night guard to protect my teeth from each other while I sleep.  I brush my teeth.  I even floss, though not as often as I should.  My teeth are important.

So it’s strange to meet so many people who don’t appear to feel as I do about teeth.  I have been meeting quite a few people though OkCupid and a majority of them have bad teeth.  I asked my one local friend if it was a thing in Chicago, to not care if one’s teeth are straight, white, all there.  She assured me that that was not the case.  She assured me through a set of beautiful, white, straight teeth.

There was Gap-Tooth Nick.  The guy cared so little that his teeth were repulsive that chewed gum and otherwise brought attention to them.  There was another guy who I kind of liked and who I may see again whose teeth were … well, it looked like there were too many of them and they were competing for real estate.  There was the guy who delivered our grill.  His grill was sad.  I truly wondered how he chewed his food.

The Viking and I went to the dentist, our first visit since moving to Chicago.  Even the dentist seemed surprised that my teeth were so straight.  I can’t imagine what his other patients’ mouths must look like.

Another OkCupid guy, who considered himself a sadist and who wanted to explore the D/s area of sex, was older, probably in his 50s.  His teeth were relatively straight but they were in serious need of whitening.  Maybe he used to be a smoker.  Maybe he’d never visited a dentist because when he smiled it was impossible not to notice a broken tooth, complete with jagged edges.  I know I wouldn’t meet someone over whom I wanted to assert power, dominance, and control until after I’d had a chance to get a crown, even a temporary one.  At the end of the meeting he said he was pleased with me, in a dom-ie fashion.  I was not pleased with his teeth.

I’ve noticed random people around the city with fucked up teeth too.  Is Chicago the England of the Midwest?  Is this how things are when Hollywood isn’t in close proximity?  Because people can see on tv that everyone has straight teeth.  They remember Amy Poehler back when she first started and realize that her teeth look significantly better now, right?  They see that the only characters with crooked or missing teeth are the losers, right?

I may add something about teeth to my OkCupid profile.  The Viking suggested that instead of asking for photos I ask for dental records.

I swear.  True story.