[Continued from "Hag Looking for a Fag (Part 1)."]

So potential fag no. 1 turned out to be a dud.  A dumb, moronic dud.

Potential fag no. 2 was still a possibility.  Looking back now, maybe I should have known better …

In response to my ad, he sent no words, just two photos of himself.  Why the fuck does it matter what he looked like if we were to be friends?  I’m not deep, but I’m not so shallow as to want only a certain caliber of looks next to me at a bar.

Then he told me his birthday is 4/20.  Why the fuck would I care about that?  Everyone intelligent knows astrology is bullshit.  Oh, because of the supposed pot connection?  Lame.  I responded that he shared his birthday with Hitler.

He asked if there was information about me somewhere on the internet.  Sure, what the fuck.  I referred him here, to lovely Random Rim Jobs.

Then he told me that he preferred to meet in public.  Of course we should meet in public for the first time.  Gay people aren’t any less likely than the general population to be nutters.

There was some more scheduling bullshit until I finally told him where I’d be at a certain time and that if he showed up, great.  I said I’d be there around 5:30pm.  He responded that he’d see me at 6pm.  Uh, not quite, but whatever.

At 5:30pm I texted him exactly where I’d be and what I was wearing so it’d be easy to spot me.  At 6:04pm I asked what his eta was.  Six fucking forty was his response.  Fuck that.  By that time I was already home.  I told him he could meet me at Local Option if he still wanted to meet.

Yes, Local Option is becoming my go-to place to meet people.  If it has a flaw it’s that the music is just a little too loud to have a decent conversation.  Oh, and that the well vodka sodas aren’t $4 like in a good dive bar.  They’re $6, probably because of the high rent in the fancy neighborhood.

I should have paid more attention to one of the text messages he sent me.  I read it, sure, but I quickly brushed off what was a big clue.  It said that he read, here, about me being stood up on a date and he didn’t want to do that.  I brushed off that he seemed to think we were meeting for a date.

I should not have.  I met him and was clued in pretty quickly that he wasn’t gay.  I have decent gaydar.  Frankly, the only reason I held on to the thought that he might be gay for any amount of time was because he had responded to my ad, the one where I was looking for a fag.

We talked over a few drinks.  He joked about his penis being too small to get an erection.  I pointed out that it would be easier for a smaller member to become erect because it would require less blood.  I think the joke was his go-to to let women know he wasn’t threatening.  I suppose a small, limp dick wouldn’t be threatening in the least so he was on the right path.

Something I said made him ask, “You thought I was gay?” with a laugh.  No, I knew he wasn’t gay, but he was supposed to be gay.  He claimed he didn’t know what a fag was because English wasn’t his first language.

The guy spoke English very well.  As in we had no other language-related misunderstandings.  Anyone who has spoken English in the US for any amount of time will run into the word fag, right?

If he didn’t know what a fag was, then why the fuck had he responded to an ad titled, “Hag Looking for a Fag”?!  Maybe he thought there was a possibility he could be a fag, whatever the fuck that was.

If he didn’t know what a fag was, why didn’t he look it the fuck up?  Was he that dumb?  Or had he just been lying about not knowing like he lied about not being able to get it up?  It didn’t matter to me because I don’t want to be friends with people who lie about lame shit or who are too dumb to look up a word.

My Craig’s List foray into friend finding was a complete failure.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I placed an ad on Craig’s List with the headline, “Hag Looking for a Fag.”  I thought it was a funny, self-deprecating headline that would get some attention.

Sadly, it got the wrong kind of attention.  It was flagged and removed – twice.  I guess Craig’s List readers can’t take a lighthearted fucking joke.  I’m calling myself a hag, not the nicest way to describe a lady, and I’m looking for a fag, not the nicest way to describe a homosexual man.  I guess my attempt to imbue both words with positive connotations was lost on the humorless “Strictly Platonic W4M” idiots.

I also used “Hag Looking for a Fag” because I had found DD when I answered his Craig’s List ad, “Fag Looking for a Hag.”  I guess we’re friends because I got the joke.

Before the ad was pulled I got a few responses.  One guy asked for my picture.  Why the fuck did he need to see a picture of a person he was going to befriend?  Whatever.  I sent one and he sent me pictures of two guys.  I didn’t give a shit.

He kept asking me what was in my mind.  Uh, thoughts, duh.  That, and some other English problems probably indicated that English was not his first language, which I can certainly look past, but complete stupidity I cannot.

He asked me to meet him in Evanston, a suburb.  Of course he hadn’t read my OkCupid profile so he didn’t know that I don’t do burbs or have a car, so I told him.  Mind, I listed Chicago, and not the suburbs, as my location on the ad, but people here seem to think driving everywhere is no big deal.

Then he suggested a Starbucks or a Panera Bread in my neighborhood.  Starbucks I get, it’s a natural place to meet for the first time.  But Panera Bread?

I suggested we meet and go for a walk with my dog.  His response was that so long as my dog didn’t chase him that was fine.  Why the fuck would I invite him to be chased by my dog?  Do people do that?

The guy wasn’t making any sense.  Then he gave a reason for not being able to meet up as a meeting with his attorney.  I did not want to know why such meeting was taking place.  I did not want to bother to meet the guy at all so I didn’t bother responding.

A few days later he contacted me.  Well, he was putting forth an effort and wanted to meet, so I thought I’d give it another try.  I suggested we meet at Local Option on Webster.

I did not send him a link to Local Option, but I did say, “We could meet at Local Option on Webster,” which is more than enough information for him to find the exact location of the place.  He did find me via Craig’s List and he was emailing me so he definitely had access to the thing called the internet and presumably could figure out how to utilize a search engine, such as Google.

Nonetheless, I received this message from him: “Webster and where? I mean how far east or west of town?”  So this guy wanted me to Google for him?  I didn’t have to because I knew the cross street, so I told him not only the cross street but also the neighborhood.

Many of you, dear readers, may not know much about Chicago.  I don’t fault you for that, especially if you don’t live here.  I do live here and I’m still learning.  What I don’t need to learn is that there really is no east of town for those of us without gills.  Just like there is no west of San Francisco.  Chicago is on Lake Michigan’s west shore.

So the guy had more than all the information he needed including the name of the place, the street on which the place was located, the cross-street of the street where the place was located, and the neighborhood in which the place was located.  The only thing left should have been to establish a time.

They let retards drive?

Sadly, that wasn’t to be.  I got a different message from the guy, one that made me sure I never wanted to meet him, ever.  “What is over there? All I can see is Local Option. I guess it is a bar.”

I know y’all aren’t morons and know how to scroll up, but I just want to reestablish that I started by saying we should meet at fucking Local Option.  This guy was a class A moron.

I told him to forget it.  I don’t think he got it (surprise) because he offered a couple of other nights that he would be available.  I will not meet him.

Sadly, there was someone I did meet.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

At this point I want to get these crappy come-ons.  No, I’m not willing to sign up

good morning :)

making love under this full moon sounds deliciously civilized

wow those pics are making me wanna pull on it.. ;-)

I love your shirt. Do you date guys or are you stricktly into couples?

I love the attitude. Hehe. Do you wanna grab a cup of coffie with me?

like bird shit, bird shirt no focking crap!

Hi beautiful, hows your day going?

Hello from Steve,
I really enjoyed reading Your profile. I feel we have enough in common and common interests I hope we may chat and learn more about one another!!
OK, and Yes I also find You attractive, hope that does not offend You, Just meant as a compliment.

Hi there
how are you
I like your pics
do u want to chat on yahoo?
Kiss
Mike

wow your really hot to say the least and you sound interesting :^)

I can host later this morning.. if you like breakfast ;) in jefferson park… where do you live ?  [I looked up where Jefferson Park is and it's halfway to O'Hare.  That would be like taking BART to Orinda.  I live IN cities for a reason.]

you totally look like a crush I used to have
love your nose!  [I actually really liked this one.  Alas, the guy's in Boston.  I thanked him for such a sweet message.]

HEY THERE BEAUTIFUL, NICE PICTURE! I JUST WANTED TO SAY HELLO AND INTRODUCE MYSELF!-TOMMY  [His user name: misterhungwell.  I don't think so.]

Hola; you are an attractive lady

I’m in town … What are you up to? Perhaps you will enjoy my profile.

into phone sex? I’m just lying here naked and was thinking it would be fun to talk to a beautiful girl while I touched myself.

Wow your sexy. ;p

You have me at a loss for words   [User name:  long_jonsilver.  Nope.]

love u r smile and profile and like to know more about u-prim

i well like to meet u

Whats up, Im Jim, 28.m from wheeling, what u up to?

28.m from arlington hts, what u up to this evening?  [These last two look incredibly similar.  Yep, they're from the same guy.  I guess after he didn't get a response to his first message, he moved and sent another.]

I love your tattoo. It looks so good on you. Can you let me know what it means?  [It means the guy's an idiot.]

Let’s talk….  [Let's not.]

Hi, I’m chris. I love your tshirt. Lol  [This message was the last straw; I added a clause about not using "lol" ever to my requirements.]

i would love to meet you.  [This one isn't bad at all so I read his profile.  Based on his profile I responded thusly: "You live outside Chicago, you have children, and you don't drink. I don't see any point in us meeting."  Really, the guy couldn't have read my profile, which said I don't have a car and I'm not willing to go to the 'burbs, I don't like children, and I drink a lot.]

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

Back in October 2008 I was … getting better.  I was getting divorced.  I was actually getting along with the Ex, which at the time was important to me.  I was accepting the fact that I didn’t miss my dog of 15 years as much as I thought I should after the decision to end her painful, crippled life.  I was certainly better than I had been the year before, when I lost my marriage, most of my friends to my ex-husband, my friend to an accidental drug overdose, and my job. Yeah, both 2007 and 2008 sucked shit.

But in October 2008, just when I was feeling that things were looking up, things went awry.  Only it takes a while to figure out when things are going awry.

I noticed a bump on my left calf.  It didn’t seem like much until a few days later when the bump had gotten bigger and redder and raised and hot to the touch and painful.  I thought it was a spider bite.

Because I thought it was a spider bite I changed my sheets.  After sleeping on fresh sheets I woke up and found another bump on my left calf.  That fucking spider!

I changed my sheets again, and I vacuumed my entire bedroom.  At the time I had carpet where spiders can hide, but after the thorough vacuuming there was no way any spider had survived.

The bumps got worse; they became even more painful.  I had met a guy who happened to be a medical resident via craigslist or some other such thing and inquired.  He said that if I was feeling pain that I needed to see a doctor.

Finally, after several painful bumps that seemed to be getting worse, not better, I decided to go to the ER.  At the time I didn’t have insurance and I had no choice but the ER at the local public hospital.  I walked to San Francisco General Hospital and waited to be seen.

The intake nurse at the ER sent me to the wound clinic.  I soon learned that the wound clinic was used to drug-related abscesses and other sorts of things that are associated with IV drug use and compromised immune systems.

The nurse listened to me, and pulled out a marker to delineate the borders of my bumps.  She said I had cellulitis.  After I took the prescribed antibiotics, the bumps should have gotten smaller.

In the mean time, I was told to stop shaving.  In the mean time, I was told to rest with my legs elevated.  By that time I had bumps on both legs.  I was told to stop shaving because what I had was a bacterial infection that could get into my blood stream via a shaving nick.

I was asked repeatedly if I had a home, if I had a place where I could rest, if I was an IV drug user.  San Francisco General deals with the homeless and the IV drug users a lot, so I understood.  These two populations are of the sort that often are loathe to admit they belong to said two populations.

The staff at San Francisco General was very nice and asked me the same questions they ask everyone; they didn’t decide to ask or not ask me things based on the fact that I was clean and obviously well nourished.

The truth was I was living in a condo in San Francisco.  I owned it with my soon-to-be ex-husband but I was the only one living there.  I had plenty of time on my hands since I was unemployed.  I had a 42″ television complete with cable and Netflix to watch while I lay with my hairy legs elevated.

[Continued.]

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I was having fun being “Lisa” for Ozzie.

8:25:56 PM SM: Hello.
8:26:17 PM sven10us: hey
8:26:26 PM SM: How are you tonight?
8:26:39 PM sven10us: Im good how have you been..I heard wendy was sick
8:26:52 PM SM: Yeah, she has pretty bad asthma.
8:27:11 PM SM: I feel for her but there’s little she can do but take it easy.
8:27:23 PM SM: I’ve had to take her to the ER when she’s had a bad attack.
8:27:42 PM sven10us: i hope she gets better. I want to email her again and she is she recovered
8:27:59 PM sven10us: this occurred before?
8:28:16 PM SM: I’m sure emailing doesn’t put her out too much.
8:28:23 PM SM: Yeah, she’s got a chronic case.
8:28:38 PM SM: I think one or both of her parents smoked when she was a kid.
8:28:51 PM sven10us: really..thats horrible
8:29:11 PM sven10us: i told her we chatted online
8:29:55 PM SM: She’s the one who told me to contact you.
8:30:10 PM SM: She’s very open
8:30:13 PM sven10us: nice.. love that
8:31:06 PM SM: Really?
8:31:21 PM SM: She’s always talking to me about non-monogamy
8:31:26 PM SM: i’m not so sure about that
8:32:04 PM sven10us: your a one man guy
8:32:27 PM SM: i think so
8:32:55 PM SM: i havent tried anything else but i don’t think i want my boyfriend w/someone else
8:33:06 PM SM: its different if we’re fwb
8:33:16 PM sven10us: i hear ya
8:33:26 PM sven10us: Im actaullt more like you than wendy
8:33:46 PM SM: you haven’t had more than one girlfriend at a time?
8:34:36 PM sven10us: never . I am actaully very normal but like to be open in the bedroom but I am a one woman guy for sure
8:35:01 PM SM: have you ever cheated?
8:35:18 PM sven10us: I dont stray..its not my style ..never have
8:35:27 PM SM: that’s nice to know
8:35:41 PM SM: i have been cheated on and it doesn’t feel nice
8:36:05 PM sven10us: tell me about it.I dated a younger woman and she cheated it just feels horrible
8:36:12 PM SM: i would never do that
8:36:28 PM SM: you think the age had something to do with it
8:36:37 PM SM: she wasn’t mature for a real relationship
8:36:51 PM sven10us: I do,,she claimed she liked older men but she lied
8:37:01 PM sven10us: it was immaturity on her part
8:37:13 PM SM: maybe she just liked them because they’re more likely to have jobs
8:37:16 PM SM: how old was she
8:37:21 PM SM: er, how young was she
8:37:33 PM sven10us: she was 23 and i was 39
8:37:58 PM SM: she was probably nowhere near where you were in her life
8:38:05 PM SM: but thats still not an excuse
8:38:12 PM sven10us: I agree
8:38:21 PM SM: a commitment is a commitment
8:38:40 PM sven10us: like the way you think Lisa..your mature beyond your years
8:39:00 PM SM: I’m not 23!
8:39:13 PM SM: but I still didn’t cheat when I was
8:39:14 PM sven10us: lol
8:39:29 PM sven10us: i like that your a down to earth nice woman
8:39:40 PM SM: your so sweet
8:39:47 PM SM: you seem like a really nice guy
8:39:47 PM sven10us: your the antithesis of wendy..totally opposite lol
8:39:53 PM sven10us: thanks Lisa
8:40:19 PM SM: when we go out together its always her who finds guys to buy us drinks
8:40:38 PM sven10us: sounds like that would be the case lol
8:40:45 PM SM: and then its her who goes home with them WAY more than me
8:40:49 PM SM: WAY more
8:41:41 PM sven10us: well your style is different than hers
8:41:59 PM sven10us: more reserved is very sexy
8:42:09 PM SM: i’m blushing again
8:42:12 PM SM: lol
8:42:19 PM sven10us: im just being honest lol
8:42:44 PM SM: well, thank you
8:42:49 PM sven10us: hopefully we can meet for coffee sometime in the not so distant future
8:43:25 PM SM: I dont’ know.
8:43:39 PM SM: I know Wendy has vouched for you but she hasn’t met you yet.
8:43:57 PM SM: I try to be careful about meeting new people in person.
8:44:20 PM sven10us: i understand..have to be careful
8:44:31 PM SM: the world is full of crazies
8:44:41 PM SM: the news is downright scary
8:44:49 PM sven10us: women especially
8:44:54 PM sven10us: its insane
8:45:12 PM SM: i try to be very careful when walking alone
8:45:30 PM sven10us: please do and try not to be focuse don your cell phone
8:45:41 PM sven10us: when walking
8:45:55 PM SM: I’ve seen Law & Order and CSI yikes
8:46:19 PM sven10us: lol
8:46:20 PM SM: I NEVER use my phone when i’m walking alone, too distracting
8:46:29 PM sven10us: smart
8:47:01 PM SM: I have to go meet some friends for a movie.
8:47:09 PM SM: it was nice chatting with you
8:47:19 PM sven10us: have a great time..nice chatting as always
8:47:23 PM SM: bye
8:47:27 PM sven10us: bye lisa

So he’s telling Wendy he’s everything she wants and telling Lisa the same thing when the two “women” are polar opposites of each other.  The guy’s an ass.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

The conversation from “Requiem for an Ozzie (Part 1)” continued:

7:00:12 PM SM: Being single is fun but it’s really nice to get regular sex.
7:00:44 PM sven10us: i hear ya
7:01:25 PM SM: I’m not the type of girl who will have sex with just anyone.
7:01:32 PM SM: I don’t want you to think that about me.
7:01:45 PM sven10us: thats good to hear
7:01:56 PM SM: It’s just that Wendy said the kind of fun you’d like to have wouldn’t be intercourse.
7:02:14 PM sven10us: i love facesitting
7:02:28 PM SM: I am the type of girl who enjoys that.
7:02:32 PM SM: lol
7:02:35 PM sven10us: really tell me
7:02:48 PM sven10us: do u have a nice booty
7:03:06 PM SM: i’ve been told its good
7:03:15 PM SM: i look decent in a pair of jeans
7:03:55 PM sven10us: have you done that before..facesitting?
7:04:31 PM SM: I’ve been on top when a guy licked my pussy.
7:04:43 PM SM: Is that what that is?
7:04:47 PM sven10us: love that
7:04:50 PM sven10us: yes
7:05:03 PM sven10us: love smothering
7:05:27 PM SM: I don’t know as much as Wendy does about that stuff.  She’s a bit of a wild child.
7:05:50 PM sven10us: lol..yeah she knows her stuff for sure..I really like her
7:06:34 PM SM: She and I have never had a 3some b4 but she’s made me curious
7:06:56 PM SM: I did, back in college.  Of course, like all the girls.
7:06:56 PM sven10us: like your honesty
7:07:08 PM sven10us: your interesting
7:07:18 PM SM: you are so sweet
7:07:20 PM SM: thank you
7:07:26 PM SM: you’re pretty interesting too
7:07:35 PM SM: sorry i don’t have a pic
7:07:43 PM SM: I feel like I’m at an advantage.
7:07:45 PM sven10us: thanks..im actaullay a normal guy drug free who loves I mean loves sex
7:08:02 PM sven10us: not at all. I feel your attractive
7:08:12 PM sven10us: i bet your pretty hot
7:08:36 PM SM: Wendy doesn’t hang out with skanks.
7:09:13 PM sven10us: lol..wendy looked hot in her pics..what do you think is her best feature
7:09:41 PM SM: She has a nice rear, for sure.
7:10:05 PM sven10us: nice
7:10:56 PM SM: Good legs, too.
7:11:10 PM SM: What do you do?
7:11:13 PM sven10us: she looks so gorgeous in her pic
7:11:43 PM sven10us: I have a real estae business. I refurbish properties and for a 2nd income I have a 6 unit rental building
7:12:54 PM SM: you do construction?
7:13:22 PM sven10us: yeah I have a crew of 4 emplyees.Im actually the money man
7:13:37 PM SM: ah
7:13:43 PM sven10us: i cannnot sell. im horrible at it
7:13:54 PM SM: lucky you get to be your own boss
7:14:04 PM sven10us: yeah thanks.
7:14:33 PM sven10us: so do u live alone
7:14:43 PM SM: yep
7:15:02 PM sven10us: same here
7:15:07 PM SM: I’m too old to live with roommates.
7:15:13 PM sven10us: thank you
7:16:04 PM SM: what for?
7:16:30 PM sven10us: i agree with the too old for roommates
7:16:52 PM SM: ah
7:17:06 PM SM: i don’t like having to clean up after other people
7:17:17 PM SM: when my place is a mess I know its my mess
7:17:41 PM sven10us: i have a one bedroom condo
7:18:13 PM SM: me too, but I rent
7:18:33 PM sven10us: so what do u do?
7:18:40 PM sven10us: im nosy lol
7:19:13 PM SM: i’m a paralegal
7:19:30 PM sven10us: thats good steady work
7:19:36 PM SM: don’t get to be my own boss though
7:19:58 PM sven10us: you should save a bot and try to flip a property one time
7:20:34 PM SM: that’s too risky for me.
7:20:49 PM SM: I’m the 401k type
7:20:56 PM sven10us: it is ..especially now..
7:21:16 PM sven10us: thats why i have a second income
7:22:08 PM SM: and i have my parents to worry about so i can’t blow it
7:22:43 PM sven10us: your sweet. so you take care of your parents somewhat financially
7:23:02 PM SM: yeah
7:23:35 PM SM: they had me when they were pretty old so they’ve already been retired for a long time
7:23:56 PM sven10us: you have morals.thats refreshing
7:24:13 PM SM: it shouldn’t be.
7:24:24 PM SM: Who have you been meeting?
7:24:44 PM sven10us: meeting in what way
7:25:14 PM SM: well, if you think morals are something novel, then you must be meeting some yucky people
7:25:30 PM sven10us: im in real estate lol
7:25:39 PM sven10us: lowest of the low
7:25:47 PM SM: you forget that I work with attorneys
7:25:54 PM sven10us: lol..your funny
7:26:09 PM SM: you are, too
7:26:17 PM SM: did you have a good weekend?
7:26:32 PM sven10us: so your lisa right?
7:26:40 PM SM: Yep.
7:26:43 PM sven10us: I did had an open house today
7:27:11 PM SM: i like going to those sometimes but I feel bad b/c I’m not really looking
7:27:22 PM SM: any interested parties?
7:27:40 PM sven10us: yeah I get alot of those just looking..yeah a gay couple put an offer in
7:27:55 PM SM: that’s good
7:28:05 PM SM: the offer, not so much the gay couple
7:28:10 PM sven10us: lol
7:28:46 PM sven10us: well Im looking forward to getting to know you
7:29:04 PM SM: Well, I’m not as racy as Wendy.
7:29:06 PM sven10us: you seem down to earth with a bit of a wild side
7:29:22 PM sven10us: so wedy is bad cop your good cop
7:29:55 PM SM: I’ve never even done any role play so I don’t know how good I’d be at that.
7:30:16 PM SM: The things Wendy tells me are wild.
7:30:41 PM sven10us:  they are wild..but i love that
7:31:38 PM SM: you can keep up with her?
7:32:12 PM sven10us: almost!
7:32:35 PM SM: Wow, you crazy guy.
7:32:49 PM sven10us: she knows her stuff
7:33:17 PM SM: the stuff she knows isn’t even in my wheelhouse
7:33:40 PM sven10us: so would you be open to some roleplay in the future with wendy and me?
7:36:48 PM SM: oh gosh i don’t know
7:36:53 PM SM: you’re making me blush
7:37:25 PM sven10us: I Apologize..I know your a good girl..I was just curious..didnt meant to make you blush
7:37:57 PM SM: i’m blushing b/c it sounds kind of fun lol
7:38:10 PM sven10us: your awesome lisa..i like you
7:38:52 PM sven10us: when your comfortable and if you like we can exchange cell numbers sometime
7:39:20 PM SM: your nice ozzie
7:39:33 PM sven10us: aww thx
7:39:41 PM SM: i want to chat some more 1st
7:39:49 PM sven10us: sounds good
7:39:54 PM SM: but now i have to go
7:40:00 PM SM: hit me up some time
7:40:01 PM sven10us: k nice chatting
7:40:07 PM sven10us: sure take care Lisa

What an idiot.  It was so easy to pull him in playing a “nice” girl.  We’ve since had a couple of other conversations.  He wants to meet.  Eventually I’ll disclose with whom he’s really been chatting.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

True to his word, Ozzie finally stopped responding to my emails.  He had given me so, so much material that I was missing our fun banter.

I devised a plan to lure him in by placing a craigslist ad.  The woman who placed the ad was everything he was looking for so I thought he would respond to the ad.

He did not.  Instead, 20 other guys did.  I felt bad that the woman who placed the ad did not exist.  I felt bad that I was contributing to the major problem with craigslist personals.

Most of the personal ads placed by “women” are fake in some way and so was mine.  Because most of them are fake, real guys have devised coping mechanisms so they don’t invest too much too soon.  They don’t really read the ads.  They respond to every ad in exactly the same way no matter the content of the ad.  If this happens enough, they get bitter.  Like Ozzie.

I didn’t respond to any of the guys who responded to “my” ad because there was no way they were ever going to meet a woman in her mid-30s who wanted a long-term relationship.  Better just to let them think that she simply was not interested.

I didn’t want to fuck with random hopeful guys, I wanted to fuck with Ozzie.  “Wendy” had gotten not only Ozzie’s photo, but also his IM handle so “Lisa” hit him up.

6:15:33 PM SM: Hey there, hot stuff.
6:17:22 PM SM: Wendy told me we might have something in common.
6:35:03 PM sven10us: hi u know wendy?
6:35:10 PM SM: Yep.
6:35:22 PM SM: She’s a great gal.
6:35:27 PM sven10us: what did she tell u about me??
6:35:36 PM SM: She said you were hot.
6:35:45 PM sven10us: nice. telll me about her
6:35:52 PM SM: and she said you like pleasing a lady
6:36:16 PM sven10us: love it
6:36:27 PM sven10us: tell me about yourself if possible
6:36:30 PM SM: she’s great, a fun gal
6:36:54 PM SM: my names Lisa
6:37:01 PM sven10us: hi lisa Im ozzie
6:37:35 PM SM: I know that, silly.
6:38:03 PM SM: Wendy also showed me your picture.  I hope that’s ok.
6:38:08 PM sven10us: thats fine
6:38:13 PM sven10us: im single guy no kids
6:38:20 PM sven10us: decribe yourself
6:38:30 PM SM: i’m single, too, of course
6:39:09 PM SM: I’m blond and blue.
6:39:23 PM SM: A little help at the salon, but I was blond as a kid.
6:39:36 PM sven10us: nice
6:40:33 PM SM: I’m 5’6″ and weigh probably about 115.  I’m not sure b/c I never weigh myself.
6:40:45 PM sven10us: nice love to see a pic
6:41:53 PM SM: Let me see if I can find one.
6:42:12 PM sven10us: cool ,wendy is 38 she said are you near her age?
6:42:58 PM SM: I’m 34.
6:43:08 PM sven10us: nice
6:43:19 PM sven10us: Im in chiago sw suburbs
6:43:22 PM sven10us: chicago
6:43:36 PM SM: I’m in Lincoln Park.
6:43:51 PM sven10us: not far at all
6:43:53 PM SM: I don’t have a picture of me on this computer.
6:44:04 PM sven10us: thats cool
6:44:30 PM SM: I just got a new one and don’t have any pics yet.  My phone’s camera sucks.
6:44:44 PM sven10us: i see.love to se one when u get a chance
6:45:22 PM sven10us: so did u like my pic?
6:45:58 PM SM: Yeah.  I like a guy who goes to the gym.
6:47:27 PM sven10us: thats me..so your single. are you looking?
6:47:49 PM SM: Looking for some fun.
6:48:07 PM sven10us: i know wendy was mentioning a three way!!
6:48:16 PM sven10us: was it you she was referring to
6:48:34 PM SM: you naughty boy!
6:48:45 PM SM: That could be fun.
6:48:48 PM sven10us: lol…she mentioned it
6:49:10 PM sven10us: i know…if its possible who knows..Im open to it
6:53:11 PM SM: Good to know, though finding a guy for that sort of thing usually isn’t difficult.
6:53:23 PM sven10us: i hear ya
6:53:33 PM sven10us: so do you hangout with wendy
6:55:09 PM SM: I do.  She’s a fun gal.
6:55:39 PM sven10us: we should all meet for lunch or coffee sometime soon
6:57:08 PM SM: That’s the difficult thing with threesomes, the scheduling.
6:57:33 PM sven10us: lol exactly
6:58:20 PM SM: Are you looking for a girlfriend or just some fun?
6:58:52 PM sven10us: have some fun but open to a relationship if it happens
6:59:04 PM SM: That’s nice.
6:59:12 PM sven10us: how about you?
6:59:46 PM SM: The same.

Ozzie is clearly a dummy.  He has a man pretending to be Wendy and a woman he hates pretending to be Lisa, each vouching for each other and he believes it.

The conversation continued ….

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Continued from "My Buddy Ozzie (Part 7)."]

It took a few days, but I finally got another response from the scholar Ozzie:

Are you still writing me bitch?? I told you to stop writing me! Im not interested in you or what you have to say loser. Your boring and annoying as well. I do not want to hear about my grammar bitch. No one asked for your fucking opinion. You writing is amateur at best. You write like a dyslexic substitute teacher, grading papers!  Your writing is devoid of any wit or dimension. There is no structure to your writing. You cannot match wits with me….Your too fucking stupid and incredibly corny! Seriously you writing is so fucking bland and corny!  Why are you so obsessed over me? Is your life that pathetic? Get a job. Stop collecting cats. Lose some weight.I feel so sorry for you. ha! I would have answered sooner, but i was in Geneva, for a romantic cabin getaway for two days with a woman I met on……….CRAIGSLIST!! Unlike you I have a life and don’t spend my entire time online.   You see my menatlly retarded and emotionally insecure deficient( did not mean to insult the retarded. They have class unlike yourself), you are suppose to use that social networking site for dating, networking, etc…not for correcting grammar you annoying fat bitch! Social misfits like yourself , who are emotional insecure,should just shut it! No one, including me, gives a flying fuck of what you have to say loser. I get the last word got it loser! You started this and now I will finish it. You are now officially spam. I will no longer read or respond to  your pathetic, horribly written emails. Life is too short to waste time on pathetic losers like yourself. Yes you are now spam. How ironic and poetically justified. Spam is useless and serves no real purpose. Just like you!  GET A LIFE! LOSER!

It was just more of the same bullshit regarding what he decided I was.  There was also new stupidity.  Craig’s List isn’t a social networking site.  I’m not even sure how he can type so poorly and erratically, with random spaces and multiple periods.  I responded thusly:

You are a lying sack of shit.  I know what you look like, and it is not pretty.  You look like you get beauty and fashion advice from guys on “The Jersey Shore.”

You, dear readers, may wonder where I got off calling Ozzie a liar or claiming I had seen what he looked like.  Let me take you back.

One of my dear readers took it upon himself to write to Ozzie.  I had, after all, posted his email address, and y’all could have done with it as you wished.  This reader did as he wished.  He wrote to Ozzie as Wendy, a 38-year-old blond woman who worked from home.  “She” got this picture from Ozzie:

Isn’t he cute.  Yeah, I didn’t think so either.  He’s wearing a baseball cap, which leads me to believe he’s balding.  He’s also wearing a wife beater, which leads me to believe if he had a wife he’d beat her.  If you look closely, you can see that his upper arms are hairy, the kind of hairy that indicates his back is also hairy.  I know what a guy with a hairy back looks like, and Ozzie is one.

Look also at the rest of the photo.  His mirror is dirty and his tacky towel rack is empty.  How can I tell the towel rack is tacky?  Because that’s the type of towel rack I had in my shitty rented apartments when I was a kid.  To some an empty towel rack doesn’t mean anything, but to me it means this guy’s bathroom has wet, mildewed towels on the dirty, hair-covered floor.  I promise Ozzie’s toilet is disgusting and his whole bathroom smells of urine.

Other than getting his photo, “Wendy” got some juicy information out of Ozzie.  Wendy was sexually adventurous and Ozzie responded to that.  He wanted to go on an outing to a cabin with Wendy and one of her hot chick friends.  Apparently Ozzie is really into cabins.  That must be a Midwest thing.

Ozzie revealed that he wasn’t into getting pegged, but that he really liked ladies with generous asses to sit on his face and smother him.  He was into two women overpowering him.  Aren’t they all?  His favorite position was reverse cowgirl, which makes sense since he liked asses and to not acknowledge that women are humans.

Ozzie also revealed that he wouldn’t mind getting his ass fingered and wanted to try golden showers, something his ex-girlfriend – the only one he’d fucked over the last two years – wasn’t into.  And he was into feet.

He claimed he had a thick cock, but I find that hard to believe.  He’s just dumb enough to oversell and under deliver on the size of his penis.

One of his many fantasies was to “to propare a meal in the nude and we fuck on the kitchen table and I bend you over doggy.”  So hot!  Is “proparing” preparing with propane?

Ozzie claims to be done with ShazamChi, but he seems to really think Wendy is a woman who’s interested in him, and there may be someone else ….

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Continued from "My Buddy Ozzie (Part 6)."]

Ozzie was getting boring, but I refused to let him get the last word, so I wrote back, again.

Just calling me insecure does not mean that I am insecure.  You still haven’t provided any evidence.  How am I insecure?  How have I projected on you?  You never answer any of the questions I ask, Ozzie.  Why is that?  Why won’t you engage in some witty banter with me?  Why?  I can only assume it is because you are incapable of such.  Frankly, Ozzie, you are boring.

You are boring and you can’t spell.

You have not once tried to actually have a constructive argument with me.  You’ve insulted me, to be sure, but otherwise I would not call what we are doing an “argument.”  I can only assume that your “education” consisted of parties and yelling insults because your rhetorical skills are nonexistent.

I refuse to answer any more questions for you until you answer some for me.  Honestly, like an adult of your stated age of 42.

Ozzie, you will continue to be single if you reduce women to their physicality.  Even poor Megan has to put up with your sexual harassment.

Once I’ve read books that you assume I’ve not yet consumed, then what?  What are my insecurities?  I really want you to tell me.  Please.

And I still only have one cat, you simpleton.

And what do you know, he wrote to me, again.

I got under your skin… Awwww!! I Imagine I frustrate you immensely. Love it! Serves you right bitch! You started this and now you can’t take it. I imagine when you write me that your blood boils and I have gotten under your pathetic ugly skin. Your not very bright are you? Grammar does not equal intelligence moron. It is just  pure laziness on my part. If I choose to, I can write perfect script.  Your writing is so unoriginal and one dimensional. You should write childrens books. That seems to be your intellectual demographic.Typo my ass! You have so many grammatical errors in your emails, but thats  a miniscule issue. In the grand scheme of things you are an incredible bore and a social misfit. You are incredibly insecure and let me prove my argument. You posess the classic traits of an emotionally insecure individual.  Your social withdrawal  encourages compensatory behaviors such as arrogance. Only an incredibly arrogant person like yourself, would have the gall to actually critique a craigslist posting?????? Are you serious? Are you that out of touch with reality? Did inhaling your cats furballs block the receptors in your pathetic brain?? This is craigslist moron…..not english comp 101!  Answer this. Who is more pathetic, the person looking for a date on craigslist, or the  unattractive cat lady who stays at home, stuffing her face with hagen daaz, critiquing other cl posts??  Get the facts straight bitch! You wrote me first. I have no interest in you at all. Your corny and without a doubt homely.You wrote me first. All I did was respond. Not only are you an insecure social misfit but a habitual liar as well. I imagine your parents must be so proud to have raised such a slug like yourself. Is fucktard a word??  Amazing grammar!  Practice what you preach you fucking loser.        ps   your very insecure.

His emails were getting longer, which meant he was wasting even more time doing what he perceived was insulting me.  It’s douche bags like Ozzie who think that calling a woman insecure will cause her to burst into tears.  I love how he just had to respond.  I love what he “proved his argument” that I’m incredibly insecure by saying I have “the classic traits of an emotionally insecure individual.”  That is a classic tautological argument, and the fact that he resorted to that just means he’s as dumb as I thought.  I wrote back:

Again, I’ll write more later, but I just wanted to thank you for all the material.  I had consistently been behind four to five days for about a month and your emails have caught me up.  I admit I had been in a bit of a creative funk, not seeing the point of writing about the great sex I was having with the same person on a consistent basis, but our heated exchange has lit a fire under my ass, and I appreciate that.

I’m guessing that Ozzie won’t respond since it won’t make any sense to him, so I gave him some more fuel.

I’m glad that you think I’ve gotten under your skin, but to be truthful, I’m bored as fuck.  You only frustrate me insofar as you’ve not given me meatier material.  I’m glad I please you, really I am.

I started “this” and now I’m taking it.  I promise you there is nothing you can dish out that I can’t handle.  I write to you for material and because I am curious to know when you sad little ego will allow you to stop.

You admit you’re a lazy ass?  Finally, a little humility and humanity on your part.  Write perfect script already; that would provide me with less fodder.

My writing, at least that that you have seen, has consisted of correcting you or responding to you; I promise you you’ve not a clear idea of how I can actually write.  I’m not even sure why you bring up children.  Are you a pedophile?

Please tell me how I’m socially misfitted!  I want to know so I can better fit into your definition of socially fitted.  What are the “classic traits of an emotionally insecure individual”?  I’m so curious!

Ozzie, I have not once lied to you.  You want to believe that I have more than one cat, that I am fat, that I am ugly, and that you wouldn’t be attracted to me if we met, but that is simply not true.

“Fucktard” is a word, and you are one.

There may be more.  Or maybe not.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Continued from "My Buddy Ozzie (Part 5)."]

Again, for clarity, I’ve reposted some things.  I wrote Ozzie an email, the relevant portion of which is, “Your secretary did not make up “beeyotch,” and if you think she did, you are even dumber than I though.”

Ozzie (gymjedi@gmail.com) responded thus:

Why do you keep writing me? Im not interested. Ugly fatass bitch. You are so  fucking lame bitch. Your writing is so corny. I could see why you are a lonely cat lady! ha!  By the way you misspelled  the word thought. Its T -H- O -U- G- T. I wrote it out for you letter by letter  cause your an  incompetant dumbass loser . People who live in glass houses?? Practice what you preach skank your grammar sucks ha!. I must have really gotten under your skin with the length of your last email!! ha! ha! Love it!  Go feed your cats ok cat lady. Get a fuckin life and a career instead of surfing craigslist all day . Dumbass beeeyyoootttchhhh!!

Ozzie got me, I did misspell.  What I found great is that he kept writing me asking me why I was writing him.  If he’d ever been in an adult relationship he’d've been the type who couldn’t just block an ex’s number, but had to keep responding.

I keep writing you because you keep wring me, Ozzie.  I wouldn’t want to be rude.  My writing may be corny, but at least it’s correct – with one exception.  You are correct, I misspelled “thought.”  It was a careless typo on my part.  You misspelled “incompetent.”  I never claimed to be perfect and I didn’t once resort to insulting what I perceived your looks to be, but I can’t imagine you’ve got a lot going on considering your advanced age and single status.  Grammar, fucktard, is not the same as spelling.

Have you ever heard the British term, “taking the piss”?  Well, that’s what I’m doing with you.  You have not gotten under my skin because you’ve not been accurately insulting in any way.  You’re (used correctly) monotonous and have a limited, immature, and pathetic vocabulary.

One thing I can say is that your “Dumbass beeeyyoootttchhhh!!” is evocative of a middle-aged, woman-hating man who doesn’t understand why he can’t find someone who will put up with him long-term.

I wish I had pointed out that the proper way to write out the spelling of something does not include spaces either before or after the hyphens, but I’m sure that would’ve gone way over his waterhead.

Ozzie kept writing.  He responded to a previous email, the pertinent part of which is, “I’m pretty sure I’ve never met Megan, so I’m not sure how she has any insight into my personality.  Unless she’s the Megan with whom I went to law school … but then she wouldn’t be working as a secretary.  Ask Megan why she doesn’t have any ambition, would you, Ozzie?”

The sad reality in all of this is that ,you my dear skank are  one insecure woman. You are  an insecure woman who projects her pathetic life on others she has never even met.  Is your life really that desolate? I feel so bad for you.One thing we have learned is that you have alot, I mean alot, of time on your hands bitch. Your emails are so pathetic. I actually feel so sorry for you. I honestly do. Arguing with you is like arguing with a child or mental deficient. So Tell me  did you critique any other ads on cl you insecure bitch?? Your writing is so feeble and it does not endeavor to render me awestruck by any means.  Try reading a book ( I suggest anything by Kafka. Paranoia and insecurity are themes you can certainly relate to . I am so pleased that my emails give an icy cold bitch like you joy. I realize a loser like yourself has all day to write senseless emails. By the way Megan is 5ft 8 110 very fit, and she is going to medical school. She is the antithesis of what you are in every way. That means the opposite Einstein. Well better let you get back to your fear and loathing and many , and I mean many obvious insecurities. Feed your catsssss and read a book ok?  Have a wonderful night …Maybe you can dream that you have a decent life and that your not so pathetic. You can always dream!!

It was so strange that Ozzie made all sorts of assumptions about me but didn’t comprehend the truthful things I was actually telling him.

Yes, there’s more ….

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.