Random Rim Jobs

[Continued from "Ask for a Slave, Get a …."]

Saturday came.  The Viking agreed to make brunch for Sugar and I.  He ate too; after all he’s not a slave.  He also agreed not to clean up a damn thing, as that was the duty of the slaves.  Along with brunch dishes there were also dishes left over from my involved butternut squash lasagna-making the day before; the kitchen was a mess.

I had already decided that the potential slaves would not have the benefit of the dishwasher.  After all, they were to be the dishwashers.

Brunch was delicious.  Sugar said she was nervous about the interviews.  The mimosas (with fresh-squeezed satsuma mandarin juice) helped allay Sugar’s nervousness.

The Viking and I had a little side bet going.  Having extensive Craig’s List experience I know the flake factor is very high so the Viking was a bit of a fool for betting that at least seven of the fourteen potential slaves would show.  I bet there would be fewer than seven, and I guessed there would be many fewer.

Actually, I guessed that the day would be spent having brunch, drinking mimosas, and hanging out with Sugar and the Viking.  Then the three of us would end up doing our own damn dishes.  As I had told the potential slaves to be on time, when 1:30pm came and went I already started gloating to the Viking, telling him that I’d win our bet for sure.

At precisely 2:00pm the phone rang, signaling someone at the front door to the building.  I said exactly what I want to say to every first-time visitor to the building, “It’s on the second floor, take the stairs, do not take the elevator.”  Really, people need to take the elevator to the second floor?  That’s just damn lazy.

A middle-aged man with a bouquet of pink and white, cellophane-wrapped, grocery store carnations was at the door.  I put him to work while I trimmed the flowers and placed them in a vase.  He started washing dishes.

We did not ask his name; we didn’t care.  Sugar and I had already decided they’d get nicknames or numbers, or both, based on our impressions.  This guy, because of things I knew about him previously, we’ll call Baseball Bat.  He was fast, and we found out later that he worked quickly – and sloppily.  The dishes he did weren’t all that clean.

While he cleaned I looked at my OkCupid messages and Sugar and I talked about various things, including ass fucking and fisting.  The Viking went about his business.

Sugar was still a bit nervous.  She asked a few times, all under her breath, if she could see Baseball Bat’s dick.  He kept not pulling it out, but it was completely understandable that he didn’t know what she really wanted.  Finally, with some encouragement to her to make it clear what she wanted, he brandished his cock.  Sweet Sugar said, “Hmm, girthy.”

So fucking cute.  And completely unnecessary.  He put it away and I told him to leave.  I had each of the potential slaves scheduled for no longer than a half hour, and while I didn’t mind if they saw each other in the hall, I really didn’t want to bother to introduce them.  I thanked him for his service and showed him to the door.

I teased Sugar for saying what she did when she saw the guy’s dick.  She was so fucking cute; she said she felt that since he was nice enough to show us his cock that she should say something nice about it.  Uh, slaves don’t need something nice said about them, silly girl; they want to be humiliated.  She didn’t know that Baseball Bat literally wanted a baseball bat shoved up his ass, which, wrong or right, probably didn’t go along with the need to be told he had a thick dick.

The Viking thought there was a possibility that he’d win the bet at that point considering we were one for two.  We still hadn’t discussed what were the terms of said bet ….

[More to come.  Not even close to done, folks.]

I swear.  True story.

Modified from “Turkey Chipotle Chili.”

2 large onions, chopped

8 cloves garlic, minced

fresh chilies to taste

3 T olive oil

2 T ground cumin

1 T chili power

1 lb ground turkey

2 canned whole chipotle chilies in adobo

1 27 oz can whole tomatillos, drained

2 14.5 oz cans diced tomatoes, undrained

1 7 3/4 oz can El Pato hot sauce

up to 4 cups chicken broth

1 bay leaf

1 1/2 t dried oregano, crumbled

2 t salt, or to taste

1 red bell pepper, chopped

2 4 oz cans fire roasted diced green chilies

2 cups corn

2-3 15 oz cans beans, rinsed and drained (can any mix of garbanzos, black, kidney, pinto, etc.)

1/2 cup chopped cilantro stems

Optional accompaniments:  sour cream, cilantro, avocado, grated cheese, green onions, corn bread

In a large heavy pot cook onions, garlic, and some fresh chilies in the oil over moderate heat, stirring, until the onions and chilies are soft.  Add cumin and chili powder and cook, stirring, until fragrant.  Add turkey and cook, stirring and breaking up any lumps, until the turkey is no longer pink.

In blender or food processor blend chipotles with tomatillos and remaining fresh chilies.  Add the blended mixture, tomatoes, El Pato, chicken broth, bay leaf, and oregano to turkey.  Bring to boil and simmer for one hour or more, adding additional water if necessary to keep the turkey covered and moist.

Stir in bell pepper, canned green chilies, corn, beans, and cilantro stems and simmer until heated through.

Discard bay leaf and season with salt to taste.  Serve with accompaniments, or not, I don’t give a fuck.

Can be kept and frozen – duh, use some fucking common sense.

Or, pay me to make some for you.

Note:  This can EASILY be made vegan by leaving out the turkey and substituting vegetable broth for chicken broth.  And use vegan sour cream and cheese to accompany.

1 medium globe eggplant, cut up into 2″ pieces

2 medium onions, cut up into large chunks

4 to 6 large cloves of garlic, minced

3 to 4 gypsy peppers, stemmed, seeded, and cut into pieces

3 to 4 small summer squash, any variety, cut into pieces

olive oil

salt and pepper

fresh basil, cut into ribbons, to taste

tomatoes, either halved grape variety, or cut-up heirloom variety, to taste

baguette

whole garlic cloves

Preheat oven to 450ºF.  Place all vegetables into a  large rimmed baking dish (lined with foil if you don’t like scrubbing).  Stir in enough olive oil to coat all the veggies, add salt and pepper, and arrange them evenly in the baking dish.

Roast the veggies for 30 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes.  The edges of the vegetables will become slightly charred, so stirring is necessary.  Continue to roast, stirring every 10 minutes, until the onions are caramelized and the remaining vegetables are soft, up to 50 minutes.  Repeated stirrings will show the eggplant and squash to be gooey.  While the vegetables are still hot, stir and scrape up the yummy bits from the bottom of the pan.

Allow vegetables to cool to room temperature.  Separate the amount of the vegetable mixture needed for your intended use.  Add fresh basil and tomato to make a chunky, gooey, yummy mixture.

Slice baguette into 1/2-inch slices and toast in the oven until golden.  Scrape whole garlic cloves over baguette slices to flavor bread.

Serve toast and vegetable mixture so guests can assemble their own bruschetta.

The remaining vegetable mix can be stored, covered, in the refrigerator.  Allow to come to room temperature, and add basil, tomatoes, and salt and pepper to taste immediately before use.

This is sexy, trust me.  This is a very easy recipe that is tasty, vegan, contains a minimal amount of healthy fat, and shows you care just a bit.  This is great as part of a spread with other things to put on the bread, a selection of cheeses, olives, and other snacky bits.  And wine, of course.  Or cocktails if you so choose.