Random Rim Jobs
I swear. True story.Chicago Pride 2011 (Part 1)
Posted on June 26, 2011Of course I knew Chicago Pride was coming. June is Pride Month so I had been hearing about various Pride activities across the country.
What I didn’t know was that in Chicago Pride is a three day fest. Friday and Saturday are a street fair, several of which seem to go on every weekend in various neighborhoods throughout the city, and Sunday is the parade. The street fair portions of Pride included suitably gay musical acts, food vendors, and the usual crap vendors found at most street fairs, but I’m sure with a gay bent.
My one local friend, Viola, had mentioned wanting to go this year since she had never had a chance before. I have been going to Pride parades since I was a kid. Back then they were called Gay Day Parades and my mom brought me probably because she was too cheap to get a sitter. The Viking had never been to a Pride parade so I made him go to San Francisco’s last year, but normally he’s not too keen on big crowds; I was glad I’d have someone else to go with this year.
Viola and I didn’t make solid plans because she had to wait for her work schedule. In the mean time, the Viking and I got @ messages on Twitter asking if we were going to the parade on Sunday.
The person who messaged us is someone I’ve been wanting to meet for some time. He’s one of the three hosts of “PNS Explosion,” a podcast I’ve been listening to for years. I decided I wanted to go even if no one else would go with me.
The Viking was nice enough to offer to come along with me so I didn’t have to be alone. I like spending weekends with him, but I’d rather him not be cranky so I assured him he didn’t need to go with me just so I didn’t feel awkward “alone” at an event with thousands of people. I hadn’t heard from Viola so I figured she either had to work or had changed her mind about going.
I did figure that if I showed up alone (i.e. needing some people to to hang with) I should have some sort of offering for my new “friends.” After all, I’d been listening to them, but they knew little about me except what I’d tweeted since they began following me so they had little reason to want me around.
One of the hosts of PNS Explosion also hosts another podcast I like, “How Much Do We Love?“ That podcast really is just about things the hosts love. One of the recent topics was jelly shots, which are mature versions of Jello shots. I decided I’d make some 
jelly shots and bring them to share.
I made three different kinds, regular cosmopolitans, mango cosmopolitans, and mandarin cosmopolitans. They were all pretty yummy. The morning of the parade I packed up the pretty multi-colored jelly shots and made my way to the parade route.
At the train station I let the first two trains pass me by because they were so packed. Pride is a friendly event, but I didn’t want to be that close to a bunch of strangers before I even got to the parade route. After packing myself into a train car, I made the smart decision to get of the stop after the one where most everyone else got off. The train stations aren’t that far apart from each other and I knew I’d be doing plenty of walking anyway so I might as well have avoided some of the annoyance involved.
I walked from the train station toward the parade route. It was not difficult to find; I just followed the people. I did, however, have a particular place I needed to go to meet up with my PNS buddies. Unfortunately, I was on the west side of the parade route and I was to meet them on the east side. The parade had already begun so I couldn’t get across; I had to go around.
Going around wasn’t all that easy. Once I saw that the route itself was packed, I doubled back and took a street that was parallel to the route. I had my iPhone with its Maps app so I knew I was heading north when I should have been heading south. Also, I was still west of where I should have been.
After making my way back to the parade route I walked along it for a while. I thought I’d be able to find a place where I could cross to the east side of the route so I kept walking north.
[Continued.]
I swear. True story.
Slave Auditions, Part 1
Posted on February 01, 2010[Continued from "Ask for a Slave, Get a …."]
Saturday came. The Viking agreed to make brunch for Sugar and I. He ate too; after all he’s not a slave. He also agreed not to clean up a damn thing, as that was the duty of the slaves. Along with brunch dishes there were also dishes left over from my involved butternut squash lasagna-making the day before; the kitchen was a mess.
I had already decided that the potential slaves would not have the benefit of the dishwasher. After all, they were to be the dishwashers.
Brunch was delicious. Sugar said she was nervous about the interviews. The mimosas (with fresh-squeezed satsuma mandarin juice) helped allay Sugar’s nervousness.
The Viking and I had a little side bet going. Having extensive Craig’s List experience I know the flake factor is very high so the Viking was a bit of a fool for betting that at least seven of the fourteen potential slaves would show. I bet there would be fewer than seven, and I guessed there would be many fewer.
Actually, I guessed that the day would be spent having brunch, drinking mimosas, and hanging out with Sugar and the Viking. Then the three of us would end up doing our own damn dishes. As I had told the potential slaves to be on time, when 1:30pm came and went I already started gloating to the Viking, telling him that I’d win our bet for sure.
At precisely 2:00pm the phone rang, signaling someone at the front door to the building. I said exactly what I want to say to every first-time visitor to the building, “It’s on the second floor, take the stairs, do not take the elevator.” Really, people need to take the elevator to the second floor? That’s just damn lazy.
A middle-aged man with a bouquet of pink and white, cellophane-wrapped, grocery store carnations was at the door. I put him to work while I trimmed the flowers and placed them in a vase. He started washing dishes.
We did not ask his name; we didn’t care. Sugar and I had already decided they’d get nicknames or numbers, or both, based on our impressions. This guy, because of things I knew about him previously, we’ll call Baseball Bat. He was fast, and we found out later that he worked quickly – and sloppily. The dishes he did weren’t all that clean.
While he cleaned I looked at my OkCupid messages and Sugar and I talked about various things, including ass fucking and fisting. The Viking went about his business.
Sugar was still a bit nervous. She asked a few times, all under her breath, if she could see Baseball Bat’s dick. He kept not pulling it out, but it was completely understandable that he didn’t know what she really wanted. Finally, with some encouragement to her to make it clear what she wanted, he brandished his cock. Sweet Sugar said, “Hmm, girthy.”
So fucking cute. And completely unnecessary. He put it away and I told him to leave. I had each of the potential slaves scheduled for no longer than a half hour, and while I didn’t mind if they saw each other in the hall, I really didn’t want to bother to introduce them. I thanked him for his service and showed him to the door.
I teased Sugar for saying what she did when she saw the guy’s dick. She was so fucking cute; she said she felt that since he was nice enough to show us his cock that she should say something nice about it. Uh, slaves don’t need something nice said about them, silly girl; they want to be humiliated. She didn’t know that Baseball Bat literally wanted a baseball bat shoved up his ass, which, wrong or right, probably didn’t go along with the need to be told he had a thick dick.
The Viking thought there was a possibility that he’d win the bet at that point considering we were one for two. We still hadn’t discussed what were the terms of said bet ….
[More to come. Not even close to done, folks.]
I swear. True story.
Shazam’s Turkey Chili
Posted on November 19, 2009Modified from “Turkey Chipotle Chili.”
2 large onions, chopped
8 cloves garlic, minced
fresh chilies to taste
3 T olive oil
2 T ground cumin
1 T chili power
1 lb ground turkey
2 canned whole chipotle chilies in adobo
1 27 oz can whole tomatillos, drained
2 14.5 oz cans diced tomatoes, undrained
1 7 3/4 oz can El Pato hot sauce
up to 4 cups chicken broth
1 bay leaf
1 1/2 t dried oregano, crumbled
2 t salt, or to taste
1 red bell pepper, chopped
2 4 oz cans fire roasted diced green chilies
2 cups corn
2-3 15 oz cans beans, rinsed and drained (can any mix of garbanzos, black, kidney, pinto, etc.)
1/2 cup chopped cilantro stems
Optional accompaniments: sour cream, cilantro, avocado, grated cheese, green onions, corn bread
In a large heavy pot cook onions, garlic, and some fresh chilies in the oil over moderate heat, stirring, until the onions and chilies are soft. Add cumin and chili powder and cook, stirring, until fragrant. Add turkey and cook, stirring and breaking up any lumps, until the turkey is no longer pink.
In blender or food processor blend chipotles with tomatillos and remaining fresh chilies. Add the blended mixture, tomatoes, El Pato, chicken broth, bay leaf, and oregano to turkey. Bring to boil and simmer for one hour or more, adding additional water if necessary to keep the turkey covered and moist.
Stir in bell pepper, canned green chilies, corn, beans, and cilantro stems and simmer until heated through.
Discard bay leaf and season with salt to taste. Serve with accompaniments, or not, I don’t give a fuck.
Can be kept and frozen – duh, use some fucking common sense.
Or, pay me to make some for you.
Note: This can EASILY be made vegan by leaving out the turkey and substituting vegetable broth for chicken broth. And use vegan sour cream and cheese to accompany.
Eggplant Bruschetta: A Recipe
Posted on August 17, 20091 medium globe eggplant, cut up into 2″ pieces
2 medium onions, cut up into large chunks
4 to 6 large cloves of garlic, minced
3 to 4 gypsy peppers, stemmed, seeded, and cut into pieces
3 to 4 small summer squash, any variety, cut into pieces
olive oil
salt and pepper
fresh basil, cut into ribbons, to taste
tomatoes, either halved grape variety, or cut-up heirloom variety, to taste
baguette
whole garlic cloves
Preheat oven to 450ºF. Place all vegetables into a large rimmed baking dish (lined with foil if you don’t like scrubbing). Stir in enough olive oil to coat all the veggies, add salt and pepper, and arrange them evenly in the baking dish.
Roast the veggies for 30 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes. The edges of the vegetables will become slightly charred, so stirring is necessary. Continue to roast, stirring every 10 minutes, until the onions are caramelized and the remaining vegetables are soft, up to 50 minutes. Repeated stirrings will show the eggplant and squash to be gooey. While the vegetables are still hot, stir and scrape up the yummy bits from the bottom of the pan.
Allow vegetables to cool to room temperature. Separate the amount of the vegetable mixture needed for your intended use. Add fresh basil and tomato to make a chunky, gooey, yummy mixture.
Slice baguette into 1/2-inch slices and toast in the oven until golden. Scrape whole garlic cloves over baguette slices to flavor bread.
Serve toast and vegetable mixture so guests can assemble their own bruschetta.
The remaining vegetable mix can be stored, covered, in the refrigerator. Allow to come to room temperature, and add basil, tomatoes, and salt and pepper to taste immediately before use.
This is sexy, trust me. This is a very easy recipe that is tasty, vegan, contains a minimal amount of healthy fat, and shows you care just a bit. This is great as part of a spread with other things to put on the bread, a selection of cheeses, olives, and other snacky bits. And wine, of course. Or cocktails if you so choose.
