Random Rim Jobs

later

My bread is baking.  My house is hot.  My phone is not ringing.  I am badly sunburnt.  My landlord is playing with the sprinklers.  the guy in Apartment A and his girlfriend broke up – no wonder he was hitting on me.  I’m sitting on my front porch, attempting to stay cool while listening to music, watching my bread, and listening for the phone to ring – it’s not.  Henry should be done by now he should be over here professing his love for me.  Actually, I just need my jacket really badly.  I only work seven hours tomorrow.  I need to get another job.  Soon.  Now.  I am very red.  What a good little landlord I have.  I guess it’s not that late.  He’s come over later than this before.  But he should’ve called by now.  I want a car.  I have too much nervous energy.  My phone is not ringing.  I’m tired of ants crawling on me.  My bread hasn’t risen enough.  I want to talk to someone.  But my phone isn’t ringing.

8:33 PM.  I think.

I’m sick.  I’m hot.  No one wants to talk to me.  I keep getting the chills.  My bread isn’t rising.  Henry’s not home.  Henry’s not here.  I think my pen is runnign out of ink.  I still keep hoping that he’ll drive up to surprise me.  Every single damn car I hear.  [Step-Sister] isn’t home so I had to talk to Dad.  I still have shorts from sixth and eighth grades.  Erica hasn’t called me.  I don’t have any stamps.  Maury got a car.  Coleen is over at Beth’s.  I need more friends.  Laura’s not even home.  I’m almost out of pot.  My nose is stuffed up.  I don’t want to be eighteen.  Why does life have to be so difficult?  How com all he music I have is shitty?  Will I ever have any money?  Will I ever have a tight butt?  Will Henry ever get his ass in gear?  Does he even care?  Should I have struck up a conversation with his mom?  Would she have thought I was kissing ass?  Why isn’t he here?  Why do I have to go through all this crapola?  Why didn’t I go to my prom?  Why do I even care?  Where can I get another job?  I want to go to school.  But I don’t know what I want to do when and if I grow up.  Shit!  Life is so stupid.  Boys are dumb creatures.  All my music sucks.  My bread hasn’t moved.  Why to I hang round my house waiting?  Cause I’m a geek?  Yeah, that must be it.  What if I never find anyone who can put up with m?  Shit, I don’t want to be alone forever.  Can I cry?  This is too depressing, irritating, frustrating.

At least my bread tastes alright.  Not terrific but alright.  EVERYTHING SUCKS!  I HATE EVERYONE!  I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE.  WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO DAMNED ALONE?

it’s an idea it can’t be seen i haven’t gotten stoned tonight and I don’t think i’m going to ’cause i have to go to work early in the morning well 9:30 but i’d have to leave at 8:40 henry hasn’t called me yet but maybe he won’t ’cause it’s friday night and he has better things to do but he did say he’d talk to me today so why hasn’t he called me? He didn’t call last night until 12:15 so perhaps when he gets home, he’ll call me to tell me what he did tonight. Or maybe he’ll be to tired and forget to call me. Oh, why do I have to wait around for him to call? Because I’m a boring woman. Am I even a woman? Scrotum – Laura called Deanna one outside her house. Sex is rotten. I always think about it and having it but at the opportunity I reject it. I

Well, now it’s 6:07 pm. It took me a while to get writing. Henry is very cute. I told him that he’s not shy and he just sort of said oh. And I told him his arms looked strong and he sort of giggled. I told him that it’s funny when he does that. It’s because I can tell he’s sort of blushing. I told him how many push-ups I do every day and sit-ups too. Perhaps he was impressed, I don’t know. If Laura heard me she’d tell me I sounded too tough. Of course she’s not Henry, is she? As DJ puts it, he must like what he sees, knows now, right? sometimes I’m totally sure he likes me by the things he says and does but then they could be average things that I’m just making a big deal out of. Oh jeez, he probably just likes me like one of his buddies. Can I go cry now? But then I don’t think so ’cause of the way he looks at me. But maybe he does that to everyone. But I don’t think so ’cause I don’t think guys make it a practise, practice making eye contact with each other. But then I could be wrong. What if he gets tired of me? I am the type ot suffocate someone. Shit, what now? Maybe none of this is going to work out. Maybe I’m too far ahead of myself. Maybe we’ll just be fucking friends with no commitment. Maybe he hates me. Maybe he’s never had a real steady girlfriend ’cause that’s the way he likes it. Maybe he thinks girls just drag him down. Maybe he thinks they’re only good to have sex with. Maybe he only gets friendly with girls when he’s horny. But he’s so sweet. Shit, who knows? I wish I did. I can think to the time when I know him totally well and talk about him to Beth and Laura like, “No, he’s busy tonight but we’re going out tomorrow night.” Doesn’t that just sound sweet? Of course it does. To have a normal relationship that I don’t have to keep secret. I want to be able to talk about him to everyone. Like, “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” Yes I do. I just want to say that once. Why do I want to try so hard to be “normal”? I think I deserve a little bit. I’m sure I’ll find some way to “denormalize” it – if “it” ever happens. Which I am almost kind of sure will – I hope.

I want him to get all loosened up late at night. But he doesn’t and he always has “to get going.”

Beth said I should write this down so I won’t forget. After work I came home and then straight to the gym to work out.  I stayed there for quite a while to work out, etc.  Then I had to wait for the bus for a long time, then I walked home and I wasn’t really thinking of anything in particular until I got to my driveway and saw Henry’s truck behind Beth’s car.  Wow.  So I walk into my own home and say hello to everyone.  I was still sweaty and quite embarrassed.  Eventually, I had to take a shower and when I got out, the guys were gone to get alcohol.  I got the house cleaned up a little bit.  Henry and his two friends got back and Henry called his mother.  How sweet.  He asked her if she needed anything.  What a good boy.  Beth and her friend had to go get the friend’s boyfriend.  So Henry said something about my books of questions.  We get got? to the sex questions.  Anyway, one of them was how old you were the first time you had sex?  For some reason I had to answer first maybe ’cause I’m the hostess or something.  Anyway I said sixteen and Henry said fourteen?  How cute.  That means he’s probably been thought the awkward I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-I’m-doing stage and is probably to the I-know-exactly-what-I-want-and-how-to-please please-the-other-person stage.  Shit!  That nine years!  14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 Wow.  He sort of laughed when I said mine.  He probably realized that that wasn’t so long ago.  Oh well.  I’m innocent aren’t I?  Once when he was handing me the lighter he let his hand linger and it touched mine.  Pretty neat huh.  Beth came back with a different girl.  Then eventually Henry just says well, I’m gonna get going.  It was before midnight.  It’s all very cute.  Anyway, Beth kept urging me to kiss him.  So I walked them to the door.  At the door he turned around and said he’d call me tomorrow, which is actually later today.  I wanted to kiss him so bad.  Beth wanted me to walk him out to the car but he was with the two not just one but two of his friends.  I just couldn’t do it.  Why am I so shy.  Henry’s not shy, just subtle.  I’m shy.  I can just tell he likes me.  He came over unannounced on a Friday night – a good party night – but I guess there were no parties.  Anyway, if Beth hadn’t been here, I would have been at the gym – which I was – and Henry would have left because no one was here.  Thank you Beth!  She got my extra key to get into my house and then she said right away someone knocked on the door and she thought it was me being a smart-ass.  But it was Henry.  Yea.  He must like me.  And a couple of times over the course of the evening we did make eye contact.  And he has had the nicest smile.  And a very cute butt.  His pants fell down to his hips – cutely, of course.  And he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt.  And he has great arms.  Of course I’ve already seen his adorable little legs.  So he’s supposed to call me.  Maybe, as Beth suggested, I should put in a request for a double date.  I want to be alone with him so we can kiss, etc.  I like him a lot.  Or maybe I’m just infatuated with him.  But I know he would be just a sweet boyfriend.  He would still go out and do stuff with his friends but he would special time alone set aside for me.  I would really like to kiss him.  He would be so soft and gentle at first to test how I react.  then after a few tentative kisses they would deepen and get more intense.  But I would want that to take a while ’cause I want it to be more than just sex.  I’m afraid he doesn’t get girlfriends he just has his friends and has sex.  But I want to be his girlfriend.  I want to be in a “normal” boy-girl relationship.  Is that too much to ask?  I think not, especially since that’s what will happen ’cause I’ll make it happen.  He’s so cute and he likes me!  I hope!  I think.  I want to be alone with him.  He’s just the sweetest.  Laura called when they were here and I subtly (however) let her know that Henry was here.  so now she’s goign to ask about what happened even though nothing did.  She’ll be disappointed.  Why are these late-night 900 number commercials so damn tacky?  His lower lip outs so cutely.  I want to see what I write in a few months when we’re fighting.  ‘Cause I’m confident something will happen.  He’s the type who wouldn’t press for one unless I did.  He always seems so cool – I find that kind of provocative, sexy, mysterious.  He likes me, he must.  I’ve decided.  I hate these fucking commercials.  They’re quite stupid.  I can’t find my remote which is quite depressing.  I’m watching a very interesting movie about a chick who kicks the ol’ valium habit.  Now she’s back form the mental hospital.  I’ll have to go work out tomorrow right when I wake up so I can go out or stay in tomorrow evening.  Now the movies is long and has gone on for as much story as necessary.  Now it’s just boring.  My hair feels like straw.  I like Henry a lot.  I don’t want Erica to call me again, I don’t like the way she makes me feel.  I deserve better.  I would like to get into Henry’s feelings – to know what he will do next.  I want to know him – to find him or make him weak.  For him to break down.  Not in a bad way but because of love or emotions.  The movie’s over, thank god.  I think I should go to slep.  If my neighbors ever try to make a lot of noise, I’ll be very angry.

I want a new tattoo.  Probably not something like this, though it is cute.  I’m not the type to get cartoon tattoos, but if I were this would be it.

My next tattoo, as soon as I get the funds together to get it, is going to be a volume knob on my ribs just below my right breast.  I welcome any ideas for design – shazamsf@sbcglobal.net.

Graduated two days ago. I feel like a bum because I don’t have a job and haven’t for almost a week now. Erica called me today – she said she missed me. I miss her – I think about her a lot. But I’ll get over it when I get busy. It should not be too hard to find a job in L.A. right?

Today, my lovelies, I’m giving you a link to a very hot little number by someone who has been a guest writer on Random Rim Jobs before, Ms. Ramona Valentine. Please, if you like it – and you should – comment on her site.

She’s a cool chick who helps keep me in line.  Just today she helped me confirm that I’m doing the right thing by having an IUD in, and she helped me restock my voluminous supply of condoms.  Those kids are cute, but being cute just isn’t enough.

10:28 pm

Another weekend goes by, another week of pain, oh well, it’s worth it right?  Saturday Erica told me she wanted to live with me and that I’m good for her, why didn’t she see it before, etc.  Whenever we’re together we don’t do much but have sex.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad but oh well.  Sunday she came over here (ha, bad pun) and we attempted to watch 9 1/2 Weeks.  Of course we didn’t see the whole thing.  I have never seen a whole movie with her but am I complaining?  I was supposed to be at work but called in sick so I couldn’t be home.  We all, including [Step-Sister], went over to Shannon’s.  We tried to watch A Clockwork Orange but Shannon’s mom got quite offended.  Erica was in a tissy [sic] so she went upstairs, where I soon followed.  We were doing stuff with [Step-Sister] downstairs, which almost made it more exciting.  But then [Step-Sister] and Shannon came up to talk to us, etc.  Shannon has some terrible timing but at least she was loud enough going up the stairs to warn us.  They left (thank God) and we were happy.  Shannon told us that Ryan was there but Erica said to say she wasn’t there.  She told me how sexy my mouth was and how classic my face.  She sucked on my lips so much that my bottom one is bruised.  (It looks like I sucked on a pen.)  Then she was fucking me and I wanted it harder but she said she wanted to be gentle and for me to do it myself.  So I arranged her hand so I could put my body into it.  But that wasn’t what she meant, she meant for me to do it myself.  I was a wee-bit surprised because she always talks badly about masturbation like it’s gross. Si I did it in front of her and … Shannon knocked on the door.  The woman has some awesome timing.  Erica asked if I had ever done that before and I said not in front of anyone but by myself.  I wonder if she’s ever watched anyone before.  Maybe, but from the way she’s talked, I don’t think so.  She said something like new experience so maybe. I wonder when I’ll surpass Juree.  I want to be better than her, I want Erica to “get off” more with me.  She said that really, really turned her on.  Well, I hope so.  I asked if it was just going to keep getting better and she said she’ll make sure of it.  So I’m looking forward to next weekend, I don’t feel dirty all all, I don’t feel like that’s the only reason she likes me, like I have with guys.