Random Rim Jobs
I swear. True story.Thank You, Mike
Posted on October 10, 2011Any of y’all can comment on any of the posts here on Random Rim Jobs. I appreciate the feedback, truly I do. Keep in mind that since this is my blog I get to do whatever the fuck I want with it. Most comments just sit down there being comments, but this one I had to feature. I had to make sure that none of you missed Mike’s gem. By the way, I’ve fucked so many Mikes that it’s possible that Mike and I have fucked at some point.
Mike
mike@froward.org
216.80.20.64
You informed him that Chicago wasn’t very hip or cool? What the fuck do you know about modern trends? You’re a middle aged lawyer who likes to get other people’s dick wet. Just so we’re clear, if it weren’t for the Internet and the fact that you live in Chicago you would be another senior citizen in Cali sitting at home watching Matlock. You get your kicks off on corresponding with lonely people on Craigslist only to ridicule them on your shitty little blog (btw, wordpress? at least remove the footer information so you don’t resemble every other 16 year old girl with an Internet connection) You are in no way qualified to determine what is hip or cool, you should be knitting sweaters and shit of that nature.
Mike,
I’m so glad you enjoy reading Random Rim Jobs. I appreciate your opinion, even if it is not attached to the correct post. Your comment was meant for “Let’s Not Bother (4)” but you made it on “Photo Lotto 12.” Cause I’m smart and shit I can still address your concerns.
What I meant by Chicago not being all that hip or cool was that it’s not one of those cities that tries too hard to be hip or cool; it’s no Austin or Williamsburg. What I meant was that Chicago is an old city with roots, not some young upstart. What I do know about modern trends is that Chicago is not an up-and-coming city, it is a well-established city.
Yes, it’s true, I am middle aged. Just yesterday I did the math and realized that I was probably middle aged when I was 29. I’m sure you’re curious so I’ll tell you. My mother, who is currently 64, was diagnosed with dementia when she was 58; half of 58 is 29. I won’t kill myself as soon as I’m diagnosed, but I definitely don’t want to “live” like my mother is now, unable to think coherently.
I’m a tad confused by your “writing.” When you wrote “other people’s dick wet” what the fuck did you mean? I am a cisgendered female so all the dicks I get wet belong to other people. Also, “people” is plural so you should have written “other people’s dicks” if you still wanted to write something so obviously stupid to anyone with half a brain. (Hint, that’s not you.)
Just so we’re clear? Did I ask you to clarify? Did I ask for your opinion at all? Why the fuck did you feel the need to write? Are you president of the Chicago Hipster Foundation? Oh, no, you’re the secretary and the group voted that such a message needed to be sent, right? I only want to hear from the president.
If it weren’t for the Internet and the fact that I live in Chicago are two very huge caveats. If it weren’t for the Internet I wouldn’t have had to read your poorly written comment. If I didn’t live in Chicago I’d live somewhere else.
Don’t you ever call California “Cali” you shit-for-brains asshat.
Which is it? Am I middle aged, or am I a senior citizen? Keep in mind that despite my mother’s extreme disability she isn’t even considered a senior citizen yet. I’ve never watched “Matlock” in my life and have no plans to start.
I do get some amount of satisfaction from corresponding with people, it’s true. I’m not sure why you have determined that they’re all lonely or from craigslist though; lately most of the people with whom I correspond are fellow users of OkCupid. If someone is particularly moronic I do relish in pointing that out. For example, I’m relishing writing this. I’m really happy that I have a post pretty much written thanks to you.
Yes, I use WordPress. I never pretended to be computer savvy and I even sometimes call myself a technotard. But thanks for the constructive criticism; I’ll put my tech guy right on it.
Once again, your writing is unclear and shitty. Saying I resemble every other 16-year-old girl is saying that I myself am a 16-year-old girl. Which is it? Am I middle aged, a senior citizen, or a teenager? If you’re confused: I’m 38.
How have you determined that I am in no way qualified to determine hipness or coolness? Doesn’t everyone, to a degree, get to determine what is hip and cool? If not, how does one become qualified? Is there a class? A certificate of completion? A degree? Please tell me how I can qualify. How can I meet your obviously very high standards?
I know how to knit, but nothing fancy. I may take a knitting class in the future, and will probably really appreciate it come winter in Chicago. Right now I’m taking a sewing class, which I’m pretty sure qualifies as shit of the knitting nature.
Thank you, Mike, for being a loyal reader.
Sincerely,
Shazam
I swear. True story.
Let’s Not Bother (3)
Posted on September 27, 2011[Continued from "Let's Not Bother (2)."]
More than one guy has accused me of being negative. I hold firm that I am realistic, not negative. Chances are, things won’t result in mind-blowing sex.
“Want to meet up soon? I’m positive we could have so much fun together.“
This guy, on the other hand, wasn’t realistic at all. Or he didn’t know the meaning of the word “positive.” I asked how he came to be so positive, and he responded with a question of his own, how I came to be so negative. After I told him I was realistic and I never heard from him again. Not a loss at all.
At least that guy had something nice to say. Not so much this guy:
How does someone become so bitter at your age? I can only imagine the quality men you get with that attitude. I feel dirty after reading that.
That was his opening line. To be fair, I don’t think he meant it as an opening line. Nonetheless, I had to respond. I pointed out that there was a reason we were considered only a 50% match (those OkCupid gods know statistics) and I asked why he bothered to send a message the intent of which was only to be mean. Then I told him not to respond because I didn’t give a shit what he had to say.
Nonetheless, he responded:
Then I suggest your profile should start with a warning. “I’m going to be real nice until the end where I’ll get vile.” WTH
My profile, which anyone can see on OkCupid, is clear – to people who actually read it – I don’t want to fuck or even meet anyone who lives in the burbs. I had no doubt that the guy skimmed through most of it until his eye was caught by my all caps paragraph:
JUST IN CASE YOU CAN ONLY READ THE TEXT VERSION OF YELLING: I HAVE NO FUCKING INTEREST IN ANYONE IN THE BURBS. THERE’S A REASON I LIVE IN A REAL CITY WITH PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF EVERYONE ELSE IN THE MIDWEST, INCLUDING YOU, HAS A FUCKING CAR, IF YOU DON’T LIVE IN CHICAGO DON’T FUCKING BOTHER.
Of course this isn’t positive or nice, but that is because I felt I had to add this after getting numerous messages from suburbanites suggesting I take Metra (commuter train like Caltrain) or look past the fact that Oak Park is not, in fact, a neighborhood of Chicago. By the way, this paragraph is the third incidence in my profile – two of which were there well before I added this one – of mentioning that I am only interested in people who live in the city of Chicago.
I responded with something assholeish about people who live in the suburbs being idiots. I don’t like long commutes or suburbs based on living most of my life in small towns and/or suburbs. I so much prefer urban areas with easy access to public transportation, which is why, as an adult, I’ve chosen to live mostly in the San Francisco Bay Area or (most recently) Chicago.
Oh, and I also told the guy that even if he did live in the city of Chicago that I still wouldn’t fuck him. Which was absolutely true, as I have little interest in a 54-year-old suburbanite who thinks he’s cool.
For your fucking information I have a condo just east of Michigan Ave, and a place in the burbs. I was in Chicago before you fucking wanna be’s thought it was hip and cool.
And you’re assuming that I fuck bitches. I don’t!
Sexy – a place in the actual city of Chicago. Whoo hoo! “Just east of Michigan Ave” could be anywhere from just north of the river to all the way on the South Side. Chicago is big and flat, and all the streets are very long so without a cross street or block number (a Chicago system I’ve yet to fully understand) it’s not clear that his condo is in a decent area. Well, at least I could be comforted in knowing that since I’m such a bitch that he wouldn’t fuck me.
I responded to him ….
I swear. True story.
My Fucking Fault
Posted on September 09, 2011I chose to get married on September 9, 1999 – 9/9/99. It was an easy date to remember. I even went so far as to get the date engraved in the inside of our wedding bands along with some stupid Latin phrase that meant something at the time but which I have no interest in recalling.
We had been broken up for a while when he told me he had thrown his wedding ring over the side of the Golden Gate Bridge. Just like a dramatic bitch. It wasn’t until later, when he and his girlfriend were living with me, that something fell out of the pocket of his dirty pants and I found that ring that had supposedly been committed to suicide like so many others off the Bridge. What a dramatic bitch.
September 9, 1999 happened to be a Thursday. I had informed my family I was getting married that day via wedding invitation; I’d not bothered to send them “save the date cards.” His mother didn’t show up; my mother pissed me off.
It wasn’t until later that my step-mother told me that my choice to get married on a weekday had been a hardship for her and her husband, my father. My wedding, which took place at absolutely no cost to anyone but us was a hardship to her?! They didn’t have to go, except that my step-mother cared very much for how things were supposed to be. Yeah, my step-mother’s a cunt.
It’s my fucking fault that the date’s so fucking easy to remember since I’m the one who chose it.
I think I still have my wedding ring; it has diamonds in it. I don’t know or care if he still has his ring, if he finally threw it off a bridge, or if he shoved it up his ass.
I’m so glad I’m not married. Marriage ruined that relationship and has, I’m sure, ruined countless others.
I swear. True story.
WHAT the fuck is he TRYING to SAY? (Part 3)
Posted on May 15, 2011[Continued from "WHAT the fuck is he TRYING to SAY? (Part 2)."]
I didn’t bother responding to anything else but his fact #3, which, if you notice, violates his own fact #1 by assuming I was seeking advice rather than giving it. His facts are not, in fact, facts.
He did not bother letting me know how he got to fact #1. What assumptions has he assumed I’ve made? I let him know that overcapitalzation makes him look like a moron, which is true, at least to me, the only person for whom I’ve ever purported to speak.
Fact #2 might shed some light on what he thinks I’ve assumed. He’s had an aol.com email address for years and changing it would be bad for his advice giving business. He’s never heard of forwarding email? He could – if he weren’t an idiot – create a new email account using something people under 50 had heard of – say Yahoo! or gmail – and start giving out that 21st century email address from here on out. Eventually, the people seeking his advice – because I’m assuming he has very few long-term advice exchanges and even fewer “clients” who after ten years of not getting advice from him suddenly must send him an email – will know to use the new, modern, and relevant email address. My guess is that most of the advice he gives is in the form of a one-off.
Fact #3 fully illustrates how I got this guy’s goat. He doesn’t like being called old and out of touch. He does use the Internet after all. I never implied that he didn’t have another email account, just told him that AOL accounts are perceived to be used by only old people – a fact that has made its way to joke punchlines. Since he adamantly makes clear that he does have another email account, I’m still confused as to why the fuck he doesn’t use it and stop using the one that makes him look like an octogenarian.
I take issue with the sentence, “You feel how you feel, I know how it really is, and that’s that.” What a condescending ass.
I did some Googling of Jason Love, aka, Jay the Advice Man, which wasn’t easy since there is a comedian of some renown with the same name. Apparently my buddy Jay wants to write a book giving advice to men about women, and he’s placed an excerpt of it online for all of us to see. Here’s a fun tidbit that incorporates his lame capitalization, bold print, and italics. That’s some fucking emphasis. [Note that in quotes on WordPress the default is for the entire quote to be italicized so anything that is in "normal" print here is actually italicized in the original, and vice versa.]
When you use your money to ATTRACT a girl, you’re doing TWO things:a) You’re letting her see you as her own personal ATM.b) Saying you can’t attract her on your OWN, without the money.
The next several Google hits lead to advice he’s given on Advice.LoveDetour.com, and then there’s a link to a stellar website. It looks very sharp and not at all like someone made it back in 2003. You may notice that there is a very pretty feather and a sky background; was he thinking of Forrest Gump?
On the site, N.B.T. Advice, Jason Love claims to be great at giving advice and only charges $5 per email to do so. The first one is free, just like a drug pusher. I have no clue what “N.B.T.” stands for. He refers would-be clients to his blog, which is simply titled, “Blog,” and has a total of two entries, both from 2009.
The “Guestbook” has five entries, two of which appear to be duplicates and three of which are definitely spam. There are four people in the “Members” section. One is just a photo and a stupid screen name, and two of them have become members only so Jay will link to their sites, buy their products, or use their services. The last one is our buddy, Jason Love.
This, folks, is Jason Love, or at least this is the picture he’s posted claiming it’s him. He’s kind of cute. But still an idiot.
As far as I can tell, N.B.T. Advice hasn’t been touched since December 2009. I seriously doubt it has generated any income for Mr. Love, who apparently doesn’t know how to take a website down.
I’m considering sending him a link to this.
I swear. True story.
WHAT the fuck is he TRYING to SAY? (Part 2)
Posted on May 14, 2011[Continued from "WHAT the fuck is he TRYING to SAY? (Part 1)."]
Jaytheadviceman@aol.com wrote:
lol @ “you shouldn’t capitalize your words.” You’re the bossy type, aren’t you? That’s so cute. I bet your boyfriend loves it. Normally, I’d just dismiss your irrelevant opinion and move on with my day (especially considering that your criticism seems more designed to insult me rather than to be constructive). However, I’m slightly impressed by your ability to present your argument with a tad bit of intelligence. Therefore, I have no problem indulging you, at least for the time being.
Seeing as you’re only ONE negative email, compared to the 50 or so POSITIVE emails I’ve gotten in regards to my advice, I’m not too concerned with your opinion. However, to be fair to you, I have read a few of my posts to myself in the past (not just on there, but many of my writings) and said to myself, “That must look really jumbled and messy to the average reader” and wanted to change it. I just have a habit of capitalizing my words without even thinking most of the time. *shrugs* It’s what I do.
Thanks for the email though. :)
_______________
I love how he tried to bait me into a completely irrelevant topic. I’m a woman so asserting myself is “cute.” I’m a woman so I must hate being called bossy. My guess is that he put the part about a boyfriend in so I’d respond to it by saying I don’t have a boyfriend, so he could respond with something typical like, “I can see why.” I don’t call the Viking my boyfriend, but I think he does like me, bossy and all.
In the end he concedes that I wrote intelligently, that he knows he shouldn’t capitalize so much, and that overcapitalization is a bad habit he simply cannot break. I guess I should have tried to gather some of his friends before I staged my intervention.
_______________
To: jaytheadviceman <jaytheadviceman@aol.com>
It is constructive: overcapitalization serves no purpose other than making your writing nearly unintelligible and marking the writer as not too bright. Oh, and only really old people who are confused by the series of tubes that is the interwebs have aol email accounts anymore.
On May 15, 2011, at 5:19 PM, jaytheadviceman@aol.com wrote:
Thank you for proving my point. Your sole reason for writing me was to pick things apart, insult, and criticize, for no reason at all. First, it was my capitalization (which I even understood) but now it’s the fact that I still use my aol account? lol You have officially become a joke.
Let me hit you with a few facts:
#1: You make assumptions that aren’t accurate, and consider them as fact (which isn’t smart at all. Instead, try asking questions.)
#2: People have been writing me at this account for YEARS getting advice. Why would I get RID of it, when everyone is familiar with it? That doesn’t make very much business sense.
#3: Implying that I am old, confused, or that I don’t have another email account simply because this is the only one YOU KNOW about, is an extremely idiotic assumption. (I guess that’s why I’m the one GIVING advice on the site, and you’re the one SEEKING advice)
In any case, I’ve wasted enough time with this pointless debate. You feel how you feel, I know how it really is, and that’s that. So, if we can’t have a civilized or friendly correspondence, it needs to end, right now.
Thank you for your time :)
To: jaytheadviceman <jaytheadviceman@aol.com>
I give advice on Advice.LoveDetour.com too, buddy.
On May 15, 2011, at 5:25 PM, jaytheadviceman@aol.com wrote
Congrats!
_______________
Our exchange ended there, but I wasn’t done.
I swear. True story.
WHAT the fuck is he TRYING to SAY? (Part 1)
Posted on May 13, 2011For shits and giggles I give advice on a website that seems to be viewed by mostly nearly illiterate people. Many of those seeking advice are not native English speakers, and those I give some leeway. For the ones with names like Katie who are in countries where English grammar and spelling are taught in schools, I have little patience, and I usually give them snarky advice along the lines of, “If you could write correctly, maybe she’d still love you.”
I have suggested to the site’s owner that the advice seekers’ letters should be edited so they are easier to read and make sense, but he hasn’t adopted my idea, probably because whatever staff he has working on editing are themselves nearly illiterate. People write in seeking advice and someone associated with the site gives the letter a headline meant to pull in more readers via SEO/Google/magic.
Sometimes the headlines have nothing to do with the content of the letter. Sometimes they’re just retarded, like this one, “She’s been very distance,” or “She sends me confused signals,” or, my personal favorite, “He wants to put his figure in my ….” Yes, that’s F-I-G-U-R-E. The actual content of the letter was about the writer’s boyfriend wanting to put his finger, not a tchotchke, in her vagina.
But I take most issue with the other “experts.” Each letter can be answered by any or all of several people who may or may not be qualified to give advice about love, sex, and relationships. Last year I called John Wilder on his sexist, homophobic, idiotic shit. It resolved nothing.
Apparently I’m none too bright because I did it again. After reading many, many paragraphs with seemingly randomly capitalized words, like this one:
All in all, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering whether or not your son is really someone ELSE’S son. So, even though I get that you don’t want your wife to end your marriage by ASKING her, your marriage will likely end ANYWAY (at least, according to YOU) if he ISN’T your kid. Right? So why keep tight lipped about it? After all, SHE’S the person who CAUSED this doubt. So she has NO RIGHT to be upset if you confront her on it (though I’m POSITIVE she WILL be.)
I just had to write. I did not take issue with the content of the advice he was giving, though this content, to a man who thought his baby looked like his wife’s friend, is pretty shitty. No one makes anyone else feel a certain way.
_______________
To: JayTheAdviceMan <JayTheAdviceMan@aol.com>
Subject: WHY?
Why do you inexplicably capitalize words? You do it so much that it no longer
means anything. Also, the words you do capitalize don’t necessarily need to be
emphasized.
Jaytheadviceman@aol.com wrote:
You say it “no longer” has meaning, as if you’ve been watching me for quite a while. lol…Who are you?
_______________
It’s pretty common to say that something no longer has meaning when it’s overused so already the guy proved he was clueless. And then he tried to flirt. Yuck.
_______________
To: jaytheadviceman <jaytheadviceman@aol.com>
I read the advice you offer on Advice.LoveDetour.com and you capitalize RANDOM words so often that the capitalization no longer has meaning.
Jaytheadviceman@aol.com wrote:
I think the focus should be on the advice itself, rather than the capitalization. I capitalize certain words because it’s how I TALK (see, like that?) I put emphasis on the words I’d emphasize in a verbal conversation. I realize it can be hard/annoying to read, but the ADVICE ITSELF should be the main focus, not the rest.
To: jaytheadviceman <jaytheadviceman@aol.com>
HOW can one take ADVICE from someone who EMPHASIZES so many WORDS when he speaks?
I read your advice out loud, emphasizing every word you capitalize and it ends up sounding nonsensical to borderline retarded. Your example sentence, [above], further illustrates that you don’t need to capitalize so much. That sentence without “talk” capitalized would mean the exact same thing so you shouldn’t have done it.
_______________
There’s more to come.
I swear. True story.
My Buddy Ozzie (Part 7)
Posted on March 18, 2011[Continued from "My Buddy Ozzie (Part 6)."]
Ozzie was getting boring, but I refused to let him get the last word, so I wrote back, again.
Just calling me insecure does not mean that I am insecure. You still haven’t provided any evidence. How am I insecure? How have I projected on you? You never answer any of the questions I ask, Ozzie. Why is that? Why won’t you engage in some witty banter with me? Why? I can only assume it is because you are incapable of such. Frankly, Ozzie, you are boring.
You are boring and you can’t spell.
You have not once tried to actually have a constructive argument with me. You’ve insulted me, to be sure, but otherwise I would not call what we are doing an “argument.” I can only assume that your “education” consisted of parties and yelling insults because your rhetorical skills are nonexistent.
I refuse to answer any more questions for you until you answer some for me. Honestly, like an adult of your stated age of 42.
Ozzie, you will continue to be single if you reduce women to their physicality. Even poor Megan has to put up with your sexual harassment.
Once I’ve read books that you assume I’ve not yet consumed, then what? What are my insecurities? I really want you to tell me. Please.
And I still only have one cat, you simpleton.
And what do you know, he wrote to me, again.
I got under your skin… Awwww!! I Imagine I frustrate you immensely. Love it! Serves you right bitch! You started this and now you can’t take it. I imagine when you write me that your blood boils and I have gotten under your pathetic ugly skin. Your not very bright are you? Grammar does not equal intelligence moron. It is just pure laziness on my part. If I choose to, I can write perfect script. Your writing is so unoriginal and one dimensional. You should write childrens books. That seems to be your intellectual demographic.Typo my ass! You have so many grammatical errors in your emails, but thats a miniscule issue. In the grand scheme of things you are an incredible bore and a social misfit. You are incredibly insecure and let me prove my argument. You posess the classic traits of an emotionally insecure individual. Your social withdrawal encourages compensatory behaviors such as arrogance. Only an incredibly arrogant person like yourself, would have the gall to actually critique a craigslist posting?????? Are you serious? Are you that out of touch with reality? Did inhaling your cats furballs block the receptors in your pathetic brain?? This is craigslist moron…..not english comp 101! Answer this. Who is more pathetic, the person looking for a date on craigslist, or the unattractive cat lady who stays at home, stuffing her face with hagen daaz, critiquing other cl posts?? Get the facts straight bitch! You wrote me first. I have no interest in you at all. Your corny and without a doubt homely.You wrote me first. All I did was respond. Not only are you an insecure social misfit but a habitual liar as well. I imagine your parents must be so proud to have raised such a slug like yourself. Is fucktard a word?? Amazing grammar! Practice what you preach you fucking loser. ps your very insecure.
His emails were getting longer, which meant he was wasting even more time doing what he perceived was insulting me. It’s douche bags like Ozzie who think that calling a woman insecure will cause her to burst into tears. I love how he just had to respond. I love what he “proved his argument” that I’m incredibly insecure by saying I have “the classic traits of an emotionally insecure individual.” That is a classic tautological argument, and the fact that he resorted to that just means he’s as dumb as I thought. I wrote back:
Again, I’ll write more later, but I just wanted to thank you for all the material. I had consistently been behind four to five days for about a month and your emails have caught me up. I admit I had been in a bit of a creative funk, not seeing the point of writing about the great sex I was having with the same person on a consistent basis, but our heated exchange has lit a fire under my ass, and I appreciate that.
I’m guessing that Ozzie won’t respond since it won’t make any sense to him, so I gave him some more fuel.
I’m glad that you think I’ve gotten under your skin, but to be truthful, I’m bored as fuck. You only frustrate me insofar as you’ve not given me meatier material. I’m glad I please you, really I am.
I started “this” and now I’m taking it. I promise you there is nothing you can dish out that I can’t handle. I write to you for material and because I am curious to know when you sad little ego will allow you to stop.
You admit you’re a lazy ass? Finally, a little humility and humanity on your part. Write perfect script already; that would provide me with less fodder.
My writing, at least that that you have seen, has consisted of correcting you or responding to you; I promise you you’ve not a clear idea of how I can actually write. I’m not even sure why you bring up children. Are you a pedophile?
Please tell me how I’m socially misfitted! I want to know so I can better fit into your definition of socially fitted. What are the “classic traits of an emotionally insecure individual”? I’m so curious!
Ozzie, I have not once lied to you. You want to believe that I have more than one cat, that I am fat, that I am ugly, and that you wouldn’t be attracted to me if we met, but that is simply not true.
“Fucktard” is a word, and you are one.
There may be more. Or maybe not.
I swear. True story.
