Shazam and I picked up a Tenga Egg at a Pleasure Chest sale recently. After I tried it out we had a short discussion about masturbation. This led to her asking me to write about it.

Free hand

We all started here. It’s all you really need. Grab a Kleenex, whip it out and start fapping. The problem is with the money shot. Just letting it go can be messy. Grabbing a Kleenex and covering up at the last moment to limit the mess can cause you to lose your momentum. You do get good at it, though. If you’re undressed and lying down you can just come on your belly and clean up afterward.

Using a condom

I started jerking off with a condom on when I went non-monogamous to get (re)used to fucking while wearing one. This has several advantages. You put some lube in the tip, roll it on once you’re hard, and off you go. The condom slides smoothly near the tip while staying snug at the base of your cock. When you come the condom catches it. Then you can slip it off carefully so as to avoid spillage. Clean up with a Kleenex and you’re done. You don’t need to worry about getting come on your clothes, furniture, or keyboard. Condoms are cheap as well.

Tenga Egg

We saw these a while back and thought we should give them a try. Later, we found them on sale while shopping at The Pleasure Chest. When the sales clerk suggested the “eggs” could be turned inside out and put on the heads of Hitachi Magic Wands, Shazam was sold on it.

I gave it a try for its intended use. I washed it, and added lube as prescribed. I spun up some porn and slipped the egg over my now erect cock and went at it. One thing we wondered was if the texture on the inside would be overly discernible. I didn’t find it to be. It was like jerking off in a sloppy, thick, ill-fitting condom. Furthermore, lube made its way down my cock and out of the egg, resulting in a puddle in my [well-trimmed – Shazam] pubes. The desired result was achieved, but as the egg isn’t snug like a condom, it was harder to keep stuff from spilling out afterward. I wasn’t overwhelmed by either the utility or tidiness of the egg.

Summary

My choice is to masturbate either by hand if cleanup isn’t a concern (i.e naked, and ideally lying down) or with a condom if it is. I found the egg impractical, messy, and with no advantage over a condom. Also, they’re damned expensive.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

Yeah, I know I said (more than once I think) I was done with these but they’re just too much fun.  Yes, I have fun being snarky.  But I promise I’m not mean.  Well, not to them, just about them, here.  This is the equivalent of talking behind someone’s back but these guys aren’t my friends so it’s ok.  It’s the equivalent of commenting on a stranger’s outfit, or something like that.

Hi, I like your profile and think you are absolutely gorgeous. And (from what I can read) I think we are looking for the same thing. I’m not into games, but require discretion–hence why i don’t have a profile picture–but if you provide me with an email then i’ll send some pictures so that you can have a look and see if i’m your type. In short, i’m a young, but mature, sporty guy who is (and looks) scandinavian. Hope to hear from you, and explore the prospect of having mutually beneficial fun together. take care, Mark.

This one isn’t horrible, but I take issue with people who are ashamed to post a reasonable profile with photos.  It’s fucking 2011, not 1994; people use the Internet for all sorts of things now.  If the guy didn’t want his coworkers – or, more likely, wife – knowing he had an OkCupid account to look for pussy he could have indicated he was looking for friends and then disclosed fully if someone seemed receptive to fucking.  Also, I don’t like having to do the work – I use OkCupid because it makes it easier to see and meet people.

i’m not sure but your hostility could be a need to be properly laid

I let this character know that I get laid plenty, by multiple people.  And I do; I’m not wanting for a proper laying.

Wonder why you’re single..hmmmm. cunt much?

I let this character know that I was not single.  There my profile was just sitting there not harming anyone and he made a point of being a nasty asshole to me.  I didn’t write my profile at him so there’s no good reason he took it so damn personally.  Maybe he was having a bad day.

Hi there how’s my future wifey doing besides gorgeous? :-)

This is just fucking gross.  I’m not sure there’s anyone who would appreciate such a come-on, but because I’m sensitive to anything having to do with marriage, I found it downright horrible.  I felt it necessary to let him know that his opening line and his profile sucked.

Would you be interested in going out with my gf and I? She has never been with a woman but wants to experience that. Her idea was to have the women fool around why I watch and then maybe I can join in later. She is 5’9″ 137 lbs. Dark hair and brown eyes. We are both professionals. I am sorry if this offended you.

This is not even close to the first time I’ve gotten a suggestive message that then apologized for being suggestive.  It’s lame.  My profile indicates I’m bisexual, open to casual sex, and interested in couples so there would be no reason to apologize for suggesting casual sex with a heterosexual couple.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I get the idea from feedback that the barrage of what amounts to “look how dumb men are” posts is getting old.  I’m sorry.

Not all the men with whom I deal are dummies.  Some of them are not.  Some of them I’ve fucked.  The ones I fuck have passed several levels of scrutiny by the time their penises go inside me.  The first level is, of course the opening line.

For every ten shitty opening lines I get one decent one.  Each one of those doesn’t result in a fucking, but it results in more than my ridicule.

Hi, I like your profile and think you are absolutely gorgeous. And (from what I can read) I think we are looking for the same thing. I’m not into games, but require discretion–hence why i don’t have a profile picture–but if you provide me with an email then i’ll send some pictures so that you can have a look and see if i’m your type. In short, i’m a young, but mature, sporty guy who is (and looks) scandinavian. Hope to hear from you, and explore the prospect of having mutually beneficial fun together. take care, Mark.

Unfortunately, Mark’s profile lacked content.  It said nothing and had no photos; there was nothing that would allow me to determine if I wanted to meet the guy.  I don’t have the time, energy, or motivation to do the work necessary to get the information that would have been included in a good profile.

LOVE your profile. I really appreciate it when people state exactly what they want on here and I appreciate it even more when people are very upfront and blunt about it. I have little patience for the games people play on here myself…

At any rate, I enjoyed reading your profile and I suspect we might get along pretty well.

Cheers

Cameron

I not only responded to this guy but we scheduled a time to meet in person.  I went to his neighborhood, which was a hefty bus ride away, and we had a nice conversation over a couple of drinks.  Then we went back to his place that was unfortunately occupied by a roommate he hated and her dreadlocked boyfriend; we left.  We had a pleasant time but nothing earth-shattering.  I don’t think he was any more surprised that I didn’t contact him than I was that he didn’t contact me.

I’ve never come across a profile as direct as yours, I like it! What are you doing this weekend?
Michael

This guy and I set up a meeting as well, though it wasn’t for a weekend, when I spend my time with the Viking.  We exchanged numbers and texted to coordinate schedules.  First, we were going to meet on a Friday at a place of his choosing.  Then, he had alternative plan and asked that we reschedule, which we did, to a place of my choosing.  Five hours before we were to meet, he confirmed; all was on.  Finally, a mere 13 minutes before we were to meet, he texted that he couldn’t make it.  I consider that flaking and I let him know.  He no longer has an OkCupid profile.

Hi…you keep coming up in my quiver so I thought I’d take a look….you’re absolutely GORGEOUS. We seem to have quite a bit in common, especially when it comes to sex. I’m very glad to see you’re honest about being here for sex and I’m excited you’d even consider performing anilingus on a partner….that is just incredibly hot….so hi. I’m Steve. Do you really swallow?

I know this would seem like it might be too forward for me to respond, but there must have been something about this guy – probably that he was nice enough to call me gorgeous – and his profile that caused me to respond.  We were both busy for a while so we had to schedule well ahead.  We had settled on a date, time, and place when I got this message:

Sounds excellent. Do you generally like to fuck on a first meeting if all goes well? If so, do you have condoms and lube and all that fun stuff or should I come equipped?

I appreciated that he asked – rather than assumed – about the fucking on the first meeting so I told him as much.  I also answered his question – we wouldn’t be fucking right away.  He didn’t indicate that if we weren’t going to fuck that our meeting was off so I went ahead and showed up on time.

He did not.  I let him know that there’d be no other chance with me.  He no longer has an OkCupid profile.

I had been flaked on twice in less than 18 hours, and those were the guys who’d had good opening lines.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

anoncoward
anoncoward@mailinator.com
50.74.36.86

These types of posts can be funny, although too much can be wearing to read through. The question that it prompts for me however, is whether you are being fair in mocking some of the approaches you are apparently getting.

I mean your OkCupid profile says that you are interested in meeting in person versus chatting online or talking on the phone, but then you ding guys for suggesting a meeting too quickly.

Your profile also mentions that you are interested in casual sex, but you subsequently put down guys who simply follow up on that by suggesting casual sex.

More to the point however, is that I get the impression that you might not be clear on what you are really looking for. I mean, if all you are really interested in is having a good sexual experience, then why should a person’s casualness when it comes to written expression make any difference?

Given your earlier dating habits I can’t imagine that you are as discriminating in person as you tend to be when interacting with people online, or else your attitude has changed recently and you have decided to be more selective about your sexual partners.

Obviously you can do anything you want, and as I said I enjoy reading these sorts of posts. However, I thought you might want to know the impression that it creates in the minds of some readers.

Yeah, they can be wearing to read, which is the fucking point.  I want to illustrate the bullshit I go through (completely by choice, I admit) reading things that are sent my way.  I’m probably not fair,  but I doubt anyone can be completely impartial as everyone comes with baggage.

I take issue with your use of “apparently.”  There is nothing apparently about the messages I receive.  I have repeatedly made clear that I don’t lie, that I don’t have the memory required for lying (without being a complete ‘tard), and that I lack imagination.  I didn’t make any of this shit up, and if I could I would write more than phony OkCupid come-on lines.  I hope.

I am interested in meeting in person.  I don’t ding anyone for wanting to meet “too” quickly, but I do need to plan ahead.  Sometimes I’m already booked two or more weeks out; I’m willing to schedule and chat/message/text in the mean time.  I take issue with the guys who want to meet and fuck on the initial meeting.  I take issue with guys who think that because we’re meeting we’re fucking.  One of the major reasons I want to meet in person rather than chat is because I’ve had plenty of experiences where the guy and I got along online or on the phone (“Seattle Guy“) very well, but then when we met in person it was clear there was no chemistry.  That means we’ll only fuck on the first date if things go very well.

Yeah, I’m interested in casual sex, as in I want to fuck guys without being their girlfriend or burdened by any other form of commitment.  That does not mean I will fuck anyone who is willing to fuck me.  “Casual sex” does not mean “indiscriminate.”  I need to meet the guys in order to figure out if I want to have casual sex with them.  I have a problem with the guys who think because I’m interested in casual sex at all that I must be interested in casual sex with anyone.

I don’t deny that my “standards,” such as they are, seem arbitrary.  From one day to the next what I want may change based on my mood, my whims, the level of idiocy of the messages I get, etc.  Not my hormones, as those don’t fluctuate all that much.  So it is possible that I may not be clear on what it is I’m looking for, other than guys with whom I get along and whom I want to fuck.  It’s both that simple and that complicated.

What is also both simple and complicated is the manner in which I weed guys out.  As a woman willing to have casual sex, I receive a lot of messages from people, mostly men.  I need easy ways to thin the herd.  It could be that they must be at least a certain height.  Or that they have a certain eye color.  I choose that they must use proper grammar and spelling and they can’t have stupid user names, among others.

I would say I’m only pickier insofar as I don’t want to put up with the bullshit I put up with when I wasn’t so picky.  I let some very questionable people into my home, something I’m not willing to do now that I live with someone.  Rest assured, however, that my standards were the same then as now, but then I was more willing to compromise.  I now live with a great guy who will fuck me any time I want so there’s no need for compromise.

Isn’t the Internet nice in that we no longer think we’re the only one to experience anything?

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

They just keep coming!

WOW! I want to have you do very freaky things to me!

This character and I had a whopping 23% match and his user name indicated that he liked a certain local baseball team.  And he wanted me to do all the work.  The baseball team thing mattered because he cared enough about the team to make it part of his name which means he would try to talk me into going to a game “for the experience.”  An experience that would be wasted on me.

Looks like were a good match (well on paper anyway). Feel free to drop a line if youre up for chatting ;)

Paper?!  His profile was sparse to the point of being worthless; I had no clue if he was worth my chatting time.

What are you doing to keep yourself entertained on this dreary night?

This guy violated my temporal rule, but since he didn’t know that I took a look at this guy’s profile.  His scraggly beard turned me off.  Two strikes, he’s out.  Casual sex isn’t baseball so I don’t have to give ‘em three chances.

I’m pleased to announce I pass the ZIP code challenge

I posed no such challenge, just made plain on my profile that the guys must reside in Chicago.

Hi, Would you like to chat?

No, I would not like to chat, and I made that clear on my profile.

hi. nice to see you on okupid.

I found the familiarity off putting.

So, you have no intrest in single guys? That’s a shame, you are damn sexy.

I disabused him of the notion that I’m not interested in single guys but he didn’t bother following up.  I guess he wasn’t all that interested.

so you look like you might be a lot of fun, think you can handle a big one? :)

I read the guy’s profile, and learned that he was dumb and douchey.  Dumb was evidenced by two sections of his profile saying the same thing, the kind of thing I’m sure he repeats to every potential date in person.  Douchey was evidenced by his assertion that people think of him as Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne.  He was all of 23, and not a mature 23 by the content of his message to me or his profile.  I told him I was not interested in big assholes.

How’s your evening?

Boring.

Remember Jeff?  Well, his memory isn’t so good because he forgot that I didn’t respond to any of his other messages and he sent some more.

Good morning. How are you today?

I didn’t respond that day either.

Just moved to Glenview from MN. I would love to talk! You sound amazingly interesting and you look even better…Rare combo.

It sounds like we would have a great time together.

I am a very creative, passionate, giving person with a great job and an even better hobby…I have been singing since I was 8 years old. I perform, record, write and have a band/dj/karaoke business for fun.

Love to be spontaneuous…yet I am a little to perfectionistic not to plan a little to make it good. Finding a balance.

Well…I will write more when I get a response…No use getting carpal tunnel if you hate me. =)

Karl

Karl seemed very sincere but his very first sentence had already disqualified him.  He moved to a place called Glenview.  Glenview is not Chicago.  My profile makes it abundantly clear – in three places, one of which is in all caps – that suburbanites need not apply.

I love that shirt!!!!

They all do, buddy.

Hi, your my kind of girl, text or e-mail me if you are interested…8479972998@mms.att.net

Melvin

Melvin, you’re not my kind of guy.  Sorry, dude.

Your profile is intense. Real. Unique. I love it.

You sound like a fun person to hang with. The % match is misleading I think, so I disregard it and say hello. Anyway, in your question you say you’d date a guy with certain characteristics. So again I say…hey.

We were less than a 50% match.  I like how he decided that such trivial things didn’t matter.  I don’t know what the fuck he meant by my question or what the supposed certain characteristics are.  I’ve answered many, many questions on OkCupid so he could have been referring to any one of them.  I don’t think any of them indicate I’d date a guy with missing limb or open sores.  I responded and asked him to just tell me what the fuck he was talking about.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

Hey, first to get to the point I am in the city, about 6 stops from the center of the loop. I also spell out most words in texts, although I like to keep texting minimal. I think I’m a decent writer at least in terms of proper grammer and mechanics, but I hope we can pick a time and place to meet without exchanging too many messages; I don’t actually like to write or text message. I’m not going to bother to update my profile, or open a new profile that says what I’m looking for now, but I wouldn’t be messaging you, if I wasn’t looking for the possibly same thing as you right now. (maybe activity partners for cooking and then casual relations) I’m obviously a lot younger and relatively inexperienced, but pretty open minded within reasonableness. Let me know if you’d like to have a conversation in person?

He spelled “grammar” wrong and I have no idea why he thought the last sentence was a question.  Other than that, he says he doesn’t like to communicate, and that he doesn’t have the energy to change his profile.  Further, he’s incredibly vague.  What the fuck is “open minded within reasonableness”?

Why are you on your computer on a Friday night?

Yes, this line was lame.  But not as lame as his OkCupid user name, BustirMufinHalf.  I responded in hopes that he would see how lame he was.  He didn’t.

I think we ere supposed to hook up a while back. I’m still interested in fucking you if you’re up for it.

Wow, wasn’t that nice of him?  And generous!  I had no clue who the guy was, but it was possible that we were supposed to meet, and he interpreted that as supposed to fuck.  I told him I didn’t believe him.

I swear it’s true. You sent me a bunch of naked pictures of yourself that your friend had taken. I think you backed out because you thought I was too young for you.

I have a crap memory and I have been known to share some dirty pictures of myself when I’ve had a few drinks so I asked what I was doing in the pictures.  I also informed him that it was unlikely that I would have thought he was too young for me considering he was 31.  For good measure I told him he had a stupid user name.

I’m dead serious. This was a while ago – maybe 2 years. In the pictures you were masturabating doggy style. You told me a female friend of your took the photos and afterwards the two of you got off together. I could be mistaken, but if ot wasn’t you, she sure looked like you. Also, this person was/is married – that should be a major clue.

So I did some mental math.  Two years ago was around the time Sugar and I were going pretty hot and heavy, but I didn’t remember her ever taking pictures of me.  I also had no idea what “masturbating doggy style” was so it was unlikely that I did it in a photo.  I asked him who was married and to send me the photos so I could confirm that they were of me.

“You” were masturbating in the doggy style position – the pictures were taken from behind with your ass up in the air. The person who sent the photos, whom I believe to be you, was/is married. I no longer have the pictures – as I said this was probably 2 years ago. I also recall that you lived in Rogers Park or somewhere in a northern neighborhood near the lake.

I had to respond.

“Why would you get rid of dirty pictures? I’m having trouble believing you.

1) Even two years ago, when you were 29, you would not have been too young for me – seven years is not a notable age gap.
2) I have never been to, much less lived in, Rogers Park or a neighborhood that far north “near the lake.”
3) There is no way I would have sent some dude in Chicago dirty photos two years ago.
4) I was most definitely not married two years ago.
5) I would NEVER fuck a guy with such a lame screen name and stupid profile.”

OK. I am clearly mistaken then – it wasn’t you. Apparently there is someone on this site that happens to look a lot like you. If you bump into her, could you let her know I’m still interested?

Yeah, because everyone the idiot confuses for each other hangs out together.  I told him he was lame and that his tactic was even lamer.  He countered that it wasn’t so lame because it got me to respond, a lot.  I told him I was mining for material and then didn’t tell him why when he asked.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

I know I said I’d stop with these posts but there’s just too much damn material coming my way for me to ignore.  What kind of blogger would I be if I didn’t share the wealth with my readers?  A shitty one, that’s what kind.  I endeavor to be un-shitty so here you go.

 I hope you’re doing well! I am currently writing an article for a national mens magazine about casual dating/sex through dating websites and would love to chat with you if you have used okcupid for this. All I would need is the first initial of your first name and your age. Would you be interested? I’m interviewing a ton of girls about using dating services for the main purpose casual dating/sex.

I look forward to hearing from you!!

Thanks so much,

Caitlin

I contacted Caitlin, stating I was interested.  Hell, my photo was in the New York Times for an OkCupid story, so why the fuck not do something anonymously?  (Wasn’t that nice of them to crop the photo right at my big ass and thighs?)

Hi, That is great! The article is for Maxim, so they don’t allow interviews via the internet or messages, so do you mind if I give you a call, or if you give me a call? Whatever you’re more comfortable with. Tomorrow morning, I also need to give my editor one or two very quick examples when I talk with her in the morning before me and you chat on the phone, so do you mind quickly messaging me just one or two examples of places you have gone with guys, and what sexy things you have done? It’s for Maxim so the sexier the better!

Would really appreciate it.

I gave Caitlin my phone number and a link to “The Day of Fuck” even though I questioned her writing skills based on the two messages I had gotten from her.  I guess I was too racy even for the supposedly risqué Maxim because I never heard back from Caitlin.

Let’s get together sometime! :)

Let’s not.

Hello how are you? Question? I noticed your status is available which I understand to mean married but open. This has been my status as well. But I get few responses that way. Any tips. Yes I’m sure adding a photo would help.

I’m heading to Chicago next week. Any interest in talking?
Jack

Because I’m nice I gave him some advice.  But not until after making it clear that I am not married.  I guess he didn’t bother taking my advice because he took down his profile soon thereafter.

Good afternoon. My name is Jeff. I am in a poly relationship and work downtown. I would love to find someone in the city to have a drink at lunch with and if more is wanted. I would have no problem getting a room to enjoy an extended lunch or early evening with.

I took a look at Jeff’s profile and decided neither he nor his partner were for me.  Mostly him.  He was 5’5″.  I’m not a height snob, but that is barely taller than me.  Also, in some of his pictures he has a blond beard, something I find pretty fucking gross.  Spencer Pratt-ness is not an attractive trait.

Did I mention I’ll have a hotel downtown?

This one actually appreciated that I responded thusly, “Just having a hotel room in Chicago does not make me want to fuck you.”

Remember Jeff?  Though I did not respond to the previous message, he sent me another:

Good afternoon beautiful.

And another:

Good afternoon. Leaving work early and I was wondering if you would be up for a drink and conversation?

Jeff seemed to think that I happened to be looking at my screen every time he happened to be on OkCupid.  I can imagine how hopeful poor Jeff must have been every time he saw the “Online Now!” on my profile.  My pity wasn’t so great that I responded.

Shazam was my favorite superhero…

I don’t even know who or what the fuck Shazam was.  I think this guy and the guys whose opening lines are similar (there have been many) get excited when they see my name because they think I’m into comic books; I’m not.

Fun profile to read…and I’m with you on the meeting in person thing. And it’s a good way to screen people.

I guess he was right, but he didn’t give me much to work with so I didn’t bother to respond.

Of course there are more.

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

Any of y’all can comment on any of the posts here on Random Rim Jobs.  I appreciate the feedback, truly I do.  Keep in mind that since this is my blog I get to do whatever the fuck I want with it.  Most comments just sit down there being comments, but this one I had to feature.  I had to make sure that none of you missed Mike’s gem.  By the way, I’ve fucked so many Mikes that it’s possible that Mike and I have fucked at some point.

Mike
mike@froward.org
216.80.20.64

You informed him that Chicago wasn’t very hip or cool? What the fuck do you know about modern trends? You’re a middle aged lawyer who likes to get other people’s dick wet. Just so we’re clear, if it weren’t for the Internet and the fact that you live in Chicago you would be another senior citizen in Cali sitting at home watching Matlock. You get your kicks off on corresponding with lonely people on Craigslist only to ridicule them on your shitty little blog (btw, wordpress? at least remove the footer information so you don’t resemble every other 16 year old girl with an Internet connection) You are in no way qualified to determine what is hip or cool, you should be knitting sweaters and shit of that nature.

Mike,

I’m so glad you enjoy reading Random Rim Jobs.  I appreciate your opinion, even if it is not attached to the correct post.  Your comment was meant for “Let’s Not Bother (4)” but you made it on “Photo Lotto 12.”  Cause I’m smart and shit I can still address your concerns.

What I meant by Chicago not being all that hip or cool was that it’s not one of those cities that tries too hard to be hip or cool; it’s no Austin or Williamsburg.  What I meant was that Chicago is an old city with roots, not some young upstart.  What I do know about modern trends is that Chicago is not an up-and-coming city, it is a well-established city.

Yes, it’s true, I am middle aged.  Just yesterday I did the math and realized that I was probably middle aged when I was 29.  I’m sure you’re curious so I’ll tell you.  My mother, who is currently 64, was diagnosed with dementia when she was 58; half of 58 is 29.  I won’t kill myself as soon as I’m diagnosed, but I definitely don’t want to “live” like my mother is now, unable to think coherently.

I’m a tad confused by your “writing.”  When you wrote “other people’s dick wet” what the fuck did you mean?  I am a cisgendered female so all the dicks I get wet belong to other people.  Also, “people” is plural so you should have written “other people’s dicks” if you still wanted to write something so obviously stupid to anyone with half a brain.  (Hint, that’s not you.)

Just so we’re clear?  Did I ask you to clarify?  Did I ask for your opinion at all?  Why the fuck did you feel the need to write?  Are you president of the Chicago Hipster Foundation?  Oh, no, you’re the secretary and the group voted that such a message needed to be sent, right?  I only want to hear from the president.

If it weren’t for the Internet and the fact that I live in Chicago are two very huge caveats.  If it weren’t for the Internet I wouldn’t have had to read your poorly written comment.  If I didn’t live in Chicago I’d live somewhere else.

Don’t you ever call California “Cali” you shit-for-brains asshat.

Which is it?  Am I middle aged, or am I a senior citizen?  Keep in mind that despite my mother’s extreme disability she isn’t even considered a senior citizen yet.  I’ve never watched “Matlock” in my life and have no plans to start.

I do get some amount of satisfaction from corresponding with people, it’s true.  I’m not sure why you have determined that they’re all lonely or from craigslist though; lately most of the people with whom I correspond are fellow users of OkCupid.  If someone is particularly moronic I do relish in pointing that out.  For example, I’m relishing writing this.  I’m really happy that I have a post pretty much written thanks to you.

Yes, I use WordPress.  I never pretended to be computer savvy and I even sometimes call myself a technotard.  But thanks for the constructive criticism; I’ll put my tech guy right on it.

Once again, your writing is unclear and shitty.  Saying I resemble every other 16-year-old girl is saying that I myself am a 16-year-old girl.  Which is it?  Am I middle aged, a senior citizen, or a teenager?  If you’re confused:  I’m 38.

How have you determined that I am in no way qualified to determine hipness or coolness?  Doesn’t everyone, to a degree, get to determine what is hip and cool?  If not, how does one become qualified?  Is there a class?  A certificate of completion?  A degree?  Please tell me how I can qualify.  How can I meet your obviously very high standards?

I know how to knit, but nothing fancy.  I may take a knitting class in the future, and will probably really appreciate it come winter in Chicago.  Right now I’m taking a sewing class, which I’m pretty sure qualifies as shit of the knitting nature.

Thank you, Mike, for being a loyal reader.

Sincerely,

Shazam

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Continued from "Let's Not Bother (2)."]

More than one guy has accused me of being negative.  I hold firm that I am realistic, not negative.  Chances are, things won’t result in mind-blowing sex.

“Want to meet up soon? I’m positive we could have so much fun together.“

This guy, on the other hand, wasn’t realistic at all.  Or he didn’t know the meaning of the word “positive.”  I asked how he came to be so positive, and he responded with a question of his own, how I came to be so negative.  After I told him I was realistic and I never heard from him again.  Not a loss at all.

At least that guy had something nice to say.  Not so much this guy:

How does someone become so bitter at your age? I can only imagine the quality men you get with that attitude. I feel dirty after reading that.

That was his opening line.  To be fair, I don’t think he meant it as an opening line.  Nonetheless, I had to respond.  I pointed out that there was a reason we were considered only a 50% match (those OkCupid gods know statistics) and I asked why he bothered to send a message the intent of which was only to be mean.  Then I told him not to respond because I didn’t give a shit what he had to say.

Nonetheless, he responded:

Then I suggest your profile should start with a warning. “I’m going to be real nice until the end where I’ll get vile.” WTH

My profile, which anyone can see on OkCupid, is clear – to people who actually read it – I don’t want to fuck or even meet anyone who lives in the burbs.  I had no doubt that the guy skimmed through most of it until his eye was caught by my all caps paragraph:

JUST IN CASE YOU CAN ONLY READ THE TEXT VERSION OF YELLING: I HAVE NO FUCKING INTEREST IN ANYONE IN THE BURBS. THERE’S A REASON I LIVE IN A REAL CITY WITH PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF EVERYONE ELSE IN THE MIDWEST, INCLUDING YOU, HAS A FUCKING CAR, IF YOU DON’T LIVE IN CHICAGO DON’T FUCKING BOTHER.

Of course this isn’t positive or nice, but that is because I felt I had to add this after getting numerous messages from suburbanites suggesting I take Metra (commuter train like Caltrain) or look past the fact that Oak Park is not, in fact, a neighborhood of Chicago.  By the way, this paragraph is the third incidence in my profile – two of which were there well before I added this one – of mentioning that I am only interested in people who live in the city of Chicago.

I responded with something assholeish about people who live in the suburbs being idiots.  I don’t like long commutes or suburbs based on living most of my life in small towns and/or suburbs.  I so much prefer urban areas with easy access to public transportation, which is why, as an adult, I’ve chosen to live mostly in the San Francisco Bay Area or (most recently) Chicago.

Oh, and I also told the guy that even if he did live in the city of Chicago that I still wouldn’t fuck him.  Which was absolutely true, as I have little interest in a 54-year-old suburbanite who thinks he’s cool.

For your fucking information I have a condo just east of Michigan Ave, and a place in the burbs. I was in Chicago before you fucking wanna be’s thought it was hip and cool.

And you’re assuming that I fuck bitches. I don’t!

Sexy – a place in the actual city of Chicago.  Whoo hoo!  “Just east of Michigan Ave” could be anywhere from just north of the river to all the way on the South Side.  Chicago is big and flat, and all the streets are very long so without a cross street or block number (a Chicago system I’ve yet to fully understand) it’s not clear that his condo is in a decent area.  Well, at least I could be comforted in knowing that since I’m such a bitch that he wouldn’t fuck me.

I responded to him ….

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.

[Continued from "Let's Not Bother (1)."]

I again told him that while we would meet, I wasn’t making any promises beyond that.  Apparently he didn’t like that:

I’m not asking you to. You’re so negative. You can’t just go with the flow, ever?

I told him that I felt it was better to be honest and that I’d met some shitty guys so I was being cautious.

You’re constant warnings take the fun out things. If you’re not attracted or don’t see this going anywhere then let me know.

At that point I had seen a photo of the guy’s torso on FetLife and had some limited online exchange with him so I had no clue if I was attracted to the guy.  As far as “this” going anywhere, there was no “this” to go, which is why we had to meet in person.

I’ve had more than one experience in which things were going well online and even on the phone, but when we met in person I was not attracted to the person for any number of reasons.  I wasn’t about to tell this guy that so long as we both like fucking we might as well fuck each other; instead, I chose to tell him that we’d meet and see where things went from there.

I really don’t want waste each others time. I like people who can do playful flirting without killing with warning messages.

This pissed me off probably more than it needed to, but it seemed such a guy move to tell a woman what he wanted in expectation that she’d bend over backwards to make it happen.  Instead, I responded, “It’s not my job to be more like what you want.”

And you act like I haven’t met shitty people. I just choose not to let it effect the way I view others.

I’m not the shitty guys you’ve met. So stop looking for things wrong. Go with the flow and be yourself. I’m looking for confident, sexy, and sexual. A flirtatious, fun, and open-minded person. I don’t want to meet the bitter, guarded woman that got fucked over.

He wanted me to be myself but didn’t like the “self” I was being.  He was faulting my personality because it wasn’t fitting into his idea of what he had decided I was.  He was the one who friended me on FetLife.  He was the one who DMd me on Twitter.  I didn’t need to be what he wanted.  I told him, “You’re the one who wants to meet me!”

That was my mistake. Nevermind. Meeting is a bad idea.

Once it was established that like so many before him he had decided how I should act/what my personality should be based on my photos, profile, online communication, I decided to have some fun with him: “Are your diapers soiled?”  I also pointed out that telling me that I didn’t meet up to his standards made him the exact kind of asshole that caused me to issue warnings before meeting in person.

Not promising making out/sex is not the reason I don’t want to meet you. I don’t want to meet with you cause of your attitude.

It would be nice if you could promise a fun, enjoyable time. You don’t seem like you want to meet. You seem completely jaded and bitter.

I don’t want to go out with someone who has a negative attitude and sour disposition.

I pointed out, again, that it was he who wanted to meet me; it was he who decided what I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to act.  I also pointed out that I couldn’t promise a good time, and neither could he.  What he called bitter I called realistic.

Then, to be a dick, I pointed out that I wasn’t at all sour when I was giving a guy head that day.  Yeah, I wanted to point out that though I am a sexual person with others I would never be so with him.

After showing this fun exchange to my friend Viola she asked how it is that I attract this short of shithead.  I’m not sure, just lucky I guess.

Because there are more ….

I swear.  True story.

©2012 Random Rim Jobs. All Rights Reserved.