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June 9, 1991: A Diary Entry

shazamsf — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:28:37 +0000

7:04 P.M.

I eat too much too late at night. Cleo’s waste is becoming more solid – good, she goes where I have to clean it up. I’ll have to put newspapers down tomorrow. I want some food.

My little baby is so sweet. I have to film stuff to send to [Step-Sister]‘s graduation celebration. Or maybe I should go. Shit I don’t know. It’s all so dull. I want a car. I want to go for a drive. I want more money. I want the cat shit smell to go away and now. Why does she have to be such a monster?

June 8, 1991: A Diary Entry

shazamsf — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 09:08:27 +0000

8:42 PM

Henry finally called me. We hadn’t talked since Wednesday night. I’m going to an L.A. party with Laura and Vidal. My sweet little baby is so cute. I’ve already had two shots of tequila and I’ll probably have more. We have tickets to Lollapalooza (I don’t think anyone knows how to spell it.) Beth, me, Francie, Roxanne and two other people I don’t know. There went number three. I’m gonna be sloshed. My baby was on my shoulder. She’s very cute. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday. I was mad at Henry for not calling me but as soon as I heard his voice I couldn’t be angry. That’s not good. I think he was going to ask if he and Dave could come over here or something but he didn’t ask soon enough ’cause I had already said yes to Laura. I’m not going to say no to anyone because Henry might call or Henry might ask me somewhere ’cause he won’t. If he wants my time, he’ll have to ask me ahead of time like he did for Duchess de Sade. He’ll learn not to take advantage of the fact that I have no social life. My baby plays with everything now. She really likes my feet – to attack them because I’m walking. Henry couldn’t remember when he had seen me drunk – he thought it was at his house. So he couldn’t remember but in the background Dave said at Duchess de Sade and I told Henry that Dave was right. But how would Dave know? He wasn’t there. But obviously Henry does talk about me. Yippee. I’d like to talk to Dave to find out what Henry says about me. Or get Laura to when we go camping – if we’re still going.

June 5, 1991: A Diary Entry

shazamsf — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:21:21 +0000

12:09AM

I don’t want to listen to Peblo Bryson. Erica called me. We had a nice talk – she about Michelle and her fighting me about Henry. She really wants me to go up there but I don’t want to. Cleo gets poop on her butt. Henry hasn’t called. We had a nice conversation – I was being a friend and I really didn’t feel jealous. Cleo purrs very loudly. I wish Henry would call me. I want to put everything out on the line – to tell him how I feel. But I guess he’s not gonna call. I’ve totally broken out – I had better look better by camp time. I have an interview at Nautilus Aerobics Plus tomorrow at 5:30. I’m not real nervous but I would like to have the job. The cat is very loud. I have to get another pair of tweezers for my Swiss Army knife tomorrow – they’re only $1.25 I guess I can afford that. I’m glad her little collar has a bell so I know where she is. Channel 4 doesn’t come in very well. Maybe this summer I’ll go up there. But when I want to and when I’m ready. My bed is shot – it goes backwards when I sit on the edge and when I’m in the middle I think it’s gonna fold in on me. Oh well maybe I should call Mom to ask what I should do. Get rid of all my furniture and get pillows to put all over – that’s what Henry suggested. I’m thinking about it – turning it into a hippie pad. NOT. I am thinking about it but not to be a hippie.

June 2, 1991: A Diary Entry

shazamsf — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 15:00:39 +0000

11:31 PM

Hadn’t talked to Henry since Friday morning when he apologized for being a flake Thursday night. So I broke down and called him today but he had to go. I thought I did something wrong but then realized that I haven’t been doing anything differently. Now I’m once again waiting for him to call – he said it’d be around eleven – does that mean within two hours? But I’m also waiting for my damn clothes to dry – I’ve been doing laundry all day but I’m almost done. Saved my whites for last for a change. My bed’s finally kicked it. I think that if the frame can’t be fixed easily then I’ll just put the mattress on the floor – that’d be cool and hippie-like huh. Cleo is getting used to me and being here. She’s very cute and right now she’s on my writing arm – she’s soft and warm and oh so cute. She has the trots and it stays on the fur by her butt and I have to wash her off and she hates it.

Now I’ve gotten my laundry and I have no reason to be up any more. Except that Cleo will meow when I move her. Maybe a few hands of solitaire. I really don’t want to go up north. I actually have no desire to have year-old memories flood back to me. Besides, I’m a mother now and I can’t leave my baby alone. A video tape will do. And with the time I’d rather do something with my friends here. Henry me camping tent close acid soon now call ring cards sleep

May 31, 1991: A Diary Entry

shazamsf — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 00:44:03 +0000

Well, it was alright. Sat around with Cleo all day. She sure does make a lot of noise. Henry offered to take me out to dinner but I had already promised Laura and Deanna so I had to decline. So then Henry was going to meet us at the Brewer house at 11 but the fuckhead never showed up. Why does he have to be flakey [sic.]? And the thing is I can’t really get mat at him – I’m not quite sure why. But he did say something about taking me out tonight. But not until late cause he has to practice with Duchess De Sade. Laura and Deanna gave me pot – that was very nice cause I was out. I have to wait to go to bed until my comforter dries ’cause I had to wash it ’cause Cleo has pooped on it twice today. And now she’s scratching me and driving me crazy. I think Henry got me a pipe. Laura was gonna tell me but I like surprises. I’m irritated. Why does he have to be like this? I better get taken out and get some action is all I can say. Does he even like kissing me? Does he even want to? Thank god Cleo has calmed down. Why do I let Henry have so much power over me? Should I just tell him – lay it all on the line? Fuck I don’t know.

May 29, 1991: A Diary Entry (Part 2)

shazamsf — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 00:14:48 +0000

Is he getting to like me like I like him or do I just like the idea of him? But actually if I just liked the idea I would’ve gone for Dave Luke – he’s definitely got good genes and would be more demonstrative with his feelings and towards a relationship. But the standoffishness is sexy, masculine, manly to me but of course he’d be caring with the kids if not by words then by actions. And we’d of course be loving. Why do I think like this? Guys don’t do this not to this extreme maybe not in groups but they could by themselves like I am. But Laura and I were also doing it together. Henry must like me a lot – he talks to me no me now it seems at least twice a day he calls me when he has nothing else to do bad – he’ll think I’m always home good – he’ll become dependent on me or maybe he really does want to talk to me that much like junior high relationships of getting to know each other over the phone (oh she’s talking to Henry again – no still) because they can’t get together that often outside of school ’cause Mom and Dad won’t drive them and how can you make out with parents around. But this is sweet – he calls me all the time. But I want to know him know his feelings what he thinks. I want to know him and know he really cares about me when we kiss or anything else. I totally want to make out with him – just kiss and roll around with no pressure of sex but if happens then that’s nice. And I realized that I’ve never even had to worry about contraception but I’ve had the sex. Well, maybe now I’m mature enough. And I just would love to get to know someone so well that I know hat they want in bed and to start out awkward and become so graceful with time but will thinking about it too much make it not happen? Or when it doesn’t will I just be that much more depressed. But I can see it so clearly does he ever think like that? No well the only reason I haven’t said anything is because I don’t know how he feels. Are his feelings still growing for me? Are mine for him? Or am I at the point now where I just have to get what I set out for – sex. But I still don’t really know him but I want to so far everything is physical – his face, his cute little legs, his guitar playing. It’s all physical not emotional. Like if he told me why he liked me was because I’m cute (Does he think that?) and I smoke pot. Fuck why does he like me? Does he really? Why do I like him? Sometimes I have to say he’s brilliant – when he asked me why I liked him I told him ’cause he’s cute and sweet. He found out that it’s only physical so he tested me by not getting so to see if I would get bored or lose interest. No, I only do that when they do like me. But why do I like him – nothing physical … I don’t know how he thinks so I don’t know him except for the physical – the strong, warm body next to mine, the sweet fat cheeks, his deep brown eyes squinty from being stoned, the full lips on that little mouth, the way that mouth could make me feel, and those sweet little hands touching me my waist and his strong arms holding me will we ever be more than we are now I think we’re working on it now but I don’t know how he’s thinking – how he feels. Will I ever know? I would like to know what he thinks of me. Or how he thinks of me. Obviously, we’re going towards sex ’cause we’ve kissed and he’s still speaking to me – and I don’t just mean sex I mean a relationship where there is sex and feelings involved. But do the kisses mean we’ll be progressing further? I’m letting him lead this journey cause I’ll go wherever he wants me to. Yep, I’m pretty sad. Does he ever want to kiss me? He does it but does he want to? I have been wanting to ask but I’m too embarrassed and I don’t want to hear the wrong answer. I think about him all the time – doesn’t that mean I like him or he’s just filling a void. But he could’ve been any other guy – what about Chris – either one – I could’ve pursued both if I wanted to. It could’ve been Dan Higgins. It could’ve been anyone but they weren’t Henry he’s what I needed wanted, had space for. But sometimes it seems like I’m forcing this puzzle together but only because I don’t think the piece fits. Apparently he thinks it can work. It’s just cause I’ve never done this before – it seems too normal and average. I think I’ll fit in and all – sort of – not. When the damn time comes – jump ahead about 10 years (at this rate).

May 29, 1991: A Diary Entry (Part 1)

shazamsf — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 00:14:32 +0000

1:15 AM

I was telling Henry how tired I am of thinking ’cause it hurt and I was saying how everyone’s basically the same but then for some reason I think guys are totally different. Or actually I don’t remember exactly what it was and Henry said he wishes he had thoughts like that – something about all the answers not being right there so I get frustrated and that’s why I don’t like thinking anymore. But the way he said it. It was like he was revering me – like “wow how neat” and “you are so neat” (I, of course, prefer the latter.) It’s funny ’cause we’re slowly but surely getting to know each other. I’ve never done this with anyone else. Not this more than friends type of thing. Erica (Sorry, she’s my only reference.) and I went so fast we were friends, sort of, we had sex, a lot, we built a relationship, however shaky and fucked up but so far this thing with Henry is slow and nice. We’re getting to know each other before we even get really physical but we had to kiss for it to get to this level that we’re at now but the “revering” type talking is what started Erica on the road towards love not that that’s where he’s going shit if I only knew it would make everything so simple. But I like his mystery. But do I really like him or did I just latch onto him because I wanted someone to latch onto – to talk about. But I think dream about him too it of course started off as a looks thing but beautiful people hang around beautiful people looks are something our children are going ooops would be so cute but I’m not sure what I would name boy #1 cause I think it would have to be a boy but that’s me giving up part of me I would like a girl or boy but a boy so he could deal better with our first. Why but I don’t know we can’t see the future and I’m glad. That’s something no one can ever do – is see the future. Life is like an adventure who knows what’s gonna come next. I was wondering if I should ask Henry who’s going with us to the mountains (he’s never been camping – isn’t that sweet?) but I’m afraid cause if he was planning on it being just the two of us and I asked like there were gonna be people with us he would take it to mean I didn’t think we were gonna be alone and to make me feel more comfortable but of course I want to be alone with him so we can be alone the type of couple that is one way out in front of everyone and another alone together and I don’t just mean sex either I mean talking feelings. Like the couples you see that’ve been together since high school but they really know each other. Wow I guess every relationship is like that in one way or another.

May 27, 1991: A Diary Entry

shazamsf — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 21:32:21 +0000

1 13

Was thinking that KC must not get in front of the mirror until after she’s dressed ’cause her bra’s always twisted and her tits sag so much. But then to make up for it she spends a lot in front of it when she’s dresed. She’s always wearing – always – the silver teddy bear pin – I think usually on her – shit now I can’t even think of what side it is – maybe both equally. Anyway she’s always wearing it. And shit it’s sad ’cause she tells me about this stuff cause she thinks I care when actually I just don’t have the heart to tell her I don’t give a fuck.

She doesn’t wear much makeup but some days are worse than others the

Fuck I wish I could write as fast as I think ’cause I am being especially brilliant and witty in my ideas and theories. But I get tired of writing. I got to the KC think via rings by I don’t really wear that many anymore and never the way KC does – gold with silver and I’ve seen as many as gosh three or four per finger and she wears quite a few necklaces too most of those are gold though. I have to think and thought and write it down quick before I either get distracted or forget like in that very thought I think as I write I can’t help it if I think a lot. Does everyone think this much? All the commotion in your head. Yest it moves up there when you think/I was trying to figure out/fuck see – the radio how they very rarely tink/Erica and her damn depression/why I put that line there when I didn’t need to and it distracted me/fuck now I’m thinking I’m only thinking so I’ll have something to write/do my friends get embarrased when I talk about my ex being female

10:21 PM

I think Henry’s out with another girl ’cause when I called him he said we was gonna go get something to eat. It’s been a while though. Laura’s gonna get more action ’cause Jeff’s in town. That’s one of her many exes. She’ll probably have sex with him. I think the acid’s kicking in. Yep. Vidal got it from a friend and gave it to me. He said there was no money exchange but I know there was cause I saw it. Maybe I shouldn’t be alone but I am and I can’t do anything.

Laura’s gonna get laid – no fair. Henry has not had the phone ringing. He’s out with someone else. He hates me.

No one is home. Damn. Why isn’t Henry calling me?

11:45 PM

Fuck he hasn’t called. Beth says he’s asleep. I say he’s found another girl. He always uses a food excuse. Fuck I did something so now he doesn’t want to talk to me what did I do? How can I fix it? He hasn’t talked to me all day today. Fuck maybe I’ll fuck he hates me I just know it. What did I do wrong this time. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so pushy maybe I shouldn’t have assumed that because he kissed me one night when he was buz (one or two z’s) doesn’t mean he would ever want to kiss scummy me again. Saw Madonna Truth or Dare today it was actually pretty good and quite sexy too and the part where two guys kissed was HOT! And Madonna gave head to a bottle and I’m not a guy so the actual act didn’t turn me on but I want to learn how to do that she totally had the damn thing down her fucking throat. And people said she was vulgar w/her language and stuff but she was just human, like everyone else. Fuck someone might think I’m angry from my writing but I’m not I’m just writing very fast. Why can’t I just get something out of Henry? It seems as though I will never have sex or kiss anyone again. Shit. Now I’m trying to write neat but it still looks like shit. What did I do wrong? Of course I won’t call him now two rejections was enough thank you but now he won’t call me for a long time even though everything looks neat I could still go to sleep but I haven’t showered yesterday or today and I need to shave but I probably couldn’t if I wanted to but I do. I think I could sleep if I just don’t think yea right he hates me I hate KROQ who says it’s world famous how do they know who did they ask. Erica said KWOD 106 went alternative cool I guess I’ll have some thing to listen to. Erica does about herself a lot. Shit she calls me to tell me about herself not to find out about me no she just loves the questions I ask she eats up my manners. I should’ve said I had to go and I’d talk to her later, maybe. It always ends up that she has to go – she doesn’t just go for the fuck of it just get going she has to have a big commotion. I don’t want to think about her I seem to be doing it a lot anyway.

May 26, 1991: A Diary Entry

shazamsf — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 15:18:00 +0000

12:21 AM

I could have gone to Nicole’s but no, I wanted to be with Henry. I just sat here trying to get close but he was frying and couldn’t stay still or concentrate enough to kiss. We did kiss but I had to do it and he wasn’t into it at all. Oh well, that was the acid, not him. Damn Maury was there and gave me a ride home. He’s such a fucking druggie. He’s lost any sense of self-respect and will ask anyone for money. So I gave him about two bucks. Damn, anything to shut up his damn whining. He’s so pathetic – like a stray animal you don’t want to take in but just stay the fuck away because it looks so terrible that it wold make you sick to see it too much. I want Henry to call me. He was so goofy nervous like figetey (Is that a damn word?) I could have also gone out with Laura, Deanna and Andy with Vidal. They were only getting drunk though. Maybe this is for the best, I do have to work tomorrow. Why do I always mispell Houston? [That is a true transcription of me misspelling "misspell" and spelling "Houston" correctly.] Why does Laura always were tight, low-cut shirts? And they’re also short – at the waist or usually above. Boys are dumb. Why do I like Henry?

7:08 AM

I was pleasant at 6 AM. I’m so proud of myself. Henry loves me. I still want to kiss him for hours and hours. Is that so wrong? Does that make me a bad person? Henry was telling me about how everything looked to him and he remembered he couldn’t stay still long enough to kiss (but of course he didn’t say so) me. But god, I could kiss him for hours. I’d like to press my body up against his and feel his heat. But then does he even want to kiss me? I mean he never makes the move. But then there have only been two times thus far. His hands are so small – his middle fingers are longer than mine but otherwise they’re the same size. How sweet. That’s very tiny. But what he can do with a guitar, he could probably do to me. His hands are soft and he holds so nicely. Or perhaps he’s just human and I I think he’s more ’cause it’s been so long since I’ve touched anyone. But he feels so different. Fuck, I hate it when I start to write something and I’ve forgotten what my point was so I end up gibbering. Can’t win ‘em all. I saw his belly last night – he was laying on his side and his shirt rode up so that I, position below him, could see his belly. It was kind of cute that I got to see. Call me cray or loony or both. I think things are going rather well. I’m learning about myself (I am very impatient and rush head – or maybe it’s body – first into things usually.) and him. (He likes to test the waters several times and then still doesn’t get all the way in – I don’t think he’s even ankle-deep so far.) This whole experience is going to be a great book (a la Bosom Buddies). I wonder when Thrifty’s opens ’cause I have cash and I want to get a damn phone cord. I’m just tired of not being able to go anywhere ’cause I’m on the damn phone. Probably doesn’t open ’til 11 or so ’cause it’s Sunday and all. I’m gonna get yelled at today ’cause I didn’t count down the cash drawer but signed it out anyway and also didn’t alarm anyone that my drawer was off over five dollars. Oh well, I don’t care anymore. Real job dedication (not). Now I’m getting tired and I only have about an hour or so ’til I really have to be up.

10:58 PM

Why do I even bother having any days off? I don’t do anything I have no life. Shit. And Henry’s not even home. He should be waiting by the phone for me. And I have to go to the bathroom but I’m out of toilet paper – again. I could go buy some but I’m afraid Henry’ll call when I’m gone. Fuck. This isn’t fair. Why do I have to wait around for him? Why is he so fucking unpredictable? Shit – he could be asleep, but I doubt it. Well, he did stay up all night on acid but shit fuck I don’t know. Why do I have to like him so much? I just want him to touch me – I don’t think that’s too much. I guess I should go to bed early on a Sunday night ’cause I don’t have to work tomorrow. I wish I could find my remote control. Maybe I should clean my sty. Maybe I should tell Henry that I can’t deal with his shit. Maybe if I had a car I could go over to his house when I felt like it. He makes such a big production out of coming over here. I guess that’s sweet and all. Gosh this is depressing. Laura went home to meet Vidal and get lucky. No fair – she has a willing partner. Could I cry. I don’t like being alone so why am I always? It’s just not fair. But everyone else says that too so I know there are others like me. Misery loves miserable company. (Beth’s coinage.) I’m so bored I don’t want to eat anything I have. I can hear everything my neighbors are doing. I don’t think they’re very loud during sex cause I would’ve heard them by now. I guess I’ll take a shower and go to bed. God, I have absolutely do damn life. I want a car. I want to see Henry. I want to feel his warmth. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. Will I always be depressed? I guess so. Maybe I’ll clean my house tomorrow. Shit, what mess I could make if I had a place with more than one room. This mess is actually kind of scary. But I usually have the biggest problem with the kitchen and it’s not that messy. I want to vacuum. Yes it’s true. After all the complaining about the Mad Vacuumer.

When I put the other journal of course I had to read some of my other stuff. Erica shit – I was bad – had it bad. Why do I do it to myself? I was fine before I read that. But it’s nice to know I won’t make the same mistakes again and it’s nice to

Just tried to call Shannon but she’s not home and Mary didn’t recognise my voice and thought I said Anne when I said my name. Holy fuck. Damn. I need to know how I’m getting to NorCal.

know that the mind does block the actual painful feelings if not the memory of the event. Fuck, now I’m depressed. Everything is so different with Henry. So much less painful. This is actually nice.

I feel like calling Laura just to interrupt her and Vidal but that would be mean. It would be a funny joke. God I wish I could make myself stop thinking about some things. I’ll just replace old thoughts with new. Better.

May 25, 1991: A Diary Entry

shazamsf — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 00:52:15 +0000

4:25 A.M.

Beth called me at something like 2:30 and now I can’t sleep. So I smoked some pot. Henry didn’t call me all day. Whenever he says maybe about something or even just asks I always take it to mean a lot more than it is. You would think I would learn but not I’m totally stupid. He usually calls me every day though. I know the reason I get hopeful – he calls when I think he won’t and at odd times sometimes. It’s like when he wants to talk to me, he calls me – simple, to the point, easy one (good) dimensional. I’m just used to the games – the first one to call is the “weak one.” He’s so simple. I don’t mean simple-minded though. For some reason, in my mind I’m thinking that this could bad by being boring. But it’s so good. Girls – including myself – play too many games. Henry said that girls are so dramatic and make a big deal out of everything. So I asked him if I do that and he said no. Though I could have and he was just being nice by saying no so I pushed it and he still said no really I don’t. Yea. That was his way of complimenting me. I had to coerce it out of him. I think this is how most boys are – you just have to read into what they do say to take it to mean exactly what they don’t say. I want to by lying on my bed naked with just my butt covered while I’m on my stomach and he comes from behind and runs his hands up my waist and kisses the small of my back. And then moves slowly up my back to my neck and my mouth. And I love to kiss his soft gentle mouth. While his hands are just touching my waist and m y back as I start to pull over to face him and the blanket is still between us and his hands are still around me and his mouth is still on mine. And I want so much to be close to him to smell him to feel his heat at my chest closer and he is so warm and then I move up above him and put my arms on his shoulders and my knees above his hips and shift over on top of him. Then I kiss him, kiss him (curse him for not shaving) kiss his neck unbutton his shirt feel his chest through his clothes then kiss it and take the shirt off of him. Then kiss and nibble his arms and shoulders. [Thought – what if he has a lot of pimples and hair? What will I do differently what will I do the same?] And his mouth is so soft and warm and wet. It tastes so wonderful like a man, like Henry. Then I lay down.

It’s five in the fucking morning. Why didn’t Henry call. I’m past thinking I did something wrong in our last conversation ’cause if I did something wrong I would’ve done it already before that conversation. People are going to work – sure is early. I want to start shaving my thighs again for the season. Basically so I can touch them myself. But it would be nice to hear a compliment from someone (Henry) as to how soft they are. Oh well. I can just remember the way his hands felt – he would be gentle and then press harder (I think). We were talking about sexiness in guys and what makes that way and I almost told him that the way he moved and acted – so cool – made him sexy but I didn’t cause I didn’t want to embarrass myself. Fuck – it’s getting light I have to get up soon. Nightie night.