I decided to place an ad on Craig’s List with the sole intent to ensnare my new buddy Ozzie.  I wanted him to respond to the ad and then … well.  I hadn’t planned that far ahead.  I made a dummy email address and placed this ad:

I am a single woman in her mid-30s who is looking for a good man. You should be in good shape, have a career you like, and be child-free. I’m happily child-free and want the same from you. I’d expect you be at least my age, up to 45, and drug and disease-free. I am looking for something long-term and want the same from a mate.

I wrote it keeping in mind Ozzie’s ad:

I am seeking a single woman around my age 42 who has no children. I am looking for a long term relationship. I am a single male white with no children and a good career. I workout regularly and am drug free. Lets chat and start spring off with the hope of something great. Please be around my age 30s or 40s is fine and no kids.

I figured since he said – twice – that he wanted a woman without children that I’d emphasize that.  I sat and waited.  Within a few hours I’d gotten about a dozen responses, but none from Ozzie.  Being the night person that I am I posted the ad around 3am, which, according to Ozzie, means I’m a loser.  If I don’t hear from him, I may repost.

In the mean time, I’ve heard from some guys who seem decent.  I feel kind of bad that they’ve gotten their hopes up because except for the kid-free part, my ad doesn’t represent me at all.  I’ll be 38 on my next birthday; that’s late 30s, not mid.  I don’t particularly care if the guy’s in good shape, but it is nice if he likes what he does for a living.  Age doesn’t matter that much to me.  The real me would never write an ad that includes “drug- and disease-free” because it’s overused and so open to interpretation that it doesn’t mean anything; several conversations still have to occur to learn whether a person is actually free of drugs and diseases.  Finally, I hate it when people say they’re looking for a long-term relationship, because that, too, is open to interpretation.  Before the relationship with my ex-husband, my longest relationships lasted only six months so that would have been long-term to me.  Is “long-term” at least a year?  A decade?  A lifetime?  I prefer to stay with someone until we don’t want to any more.

I am a single woman in her mid-30s who is looking for a good man.
(This is your lucky night.)

You should be in good shape, have a career you like, and be child-free.
(As long as you fit into those categories too…)

I’m happily child-free and want the same from you.
(Makes sense.)

I’d expect you be at least my age, up to 45, and drug and disease-free.
(Reasonable expectations.)

I am looking for something long-term and want the same from a mate.
(ME too.)

I feel kind of bad that this guy has his hopes up for a woman who doesn’t exist.  Rather, she may exist, but I placed the ad.

Some of the guys I don’t feel so bad for because they clearly didn’t bother to put in any effort, like “Mr Refreshing” here:

Good Morning!

Good man found.
Swm in you age range.

S

I get that Craig’s List is a numbers game and that because of exactly what I’m doing there’s little reason to invest that much into a response, but if I really was a childless woman looking for a drug- and disease-free man without children for a long-term relationship, what’s my motivation to respond to Mr Refreshing’s email?  The fake me’s time is valuable, dammit; “I” don’t have time to ask S to tell me more about himself.  He didn’t even ask fake me any questions.

S at least didn’t get anything completely wrong, like this guy:

Hi

I’m 40 years old, 6’1″ about 230 pounds with black hair and brown eyes.

I’m educated, well spoken, passionate, an openminded.

I don’t have kids, but I’d like some. What about you?

Since when did “happily child-free” mean “I want children”?  If this guy and “I” get into a long-term relationship he is bound to be unhappy since he wants children and “I” don’t.  That is not the foundation of a long-term relationship because he would resent me for not having a kid with him, or if I relented and had a kid, I’d resent him for talking me into it.

I got quite a few responses ….

I swear.  True story.

Tags: Chicago, fantasy, guest writer, words count

Categories: guest writer, True Story.

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