I eat too much and I don’t know why.  Except that I’m bored and I think I’m hungry but I’m not.  I want a cute little, tight butt – will I ever have one?  Didn’t work out again tonight.  I obviously need to be more disciplined.  Instead I came home, ate, got stoned, talked to Henry, and ate some more.  If I just wouldn’t eat late at night.  For a little bit I was doing great.  I think that was before I started smoking pot so often though.  I need to be more strict about that too ’cause I do not want to turn into a mushball.  Well, more of one than I am now.  I want to be able to go to the beach in a skimpy bathing suit and know everyone’s staring at me not because I’ve made a perfect fool of myself by wearing it but because I look damn good.  I’ll still have big legs though ’cause that’s just the way they are and I can’t help it.  But I want the back s of my thighs to be smooth with just a bulge of muscle.  That would make me quite happy.  I know it wouldn’t change my life so suddenly I would get asked out on dates all the time, but it would improve my attitude and people would be able to see that.  Or maybe I’m just dreaming again.  Like dreaming about Henry and myself.  It just reminds me of those crushes and fantasies that always disappointed me ’cause they never came true.  That’s when I stopped with the fantasies ’cause I was tired of being depressed.  I have a feeling I’m setting myself up for disappointment once again.  No wonder I reverted to females – they’re much easier to deal with and they don’t say no.  Wonder why that is?  But then he must like me if he wants to talk to me every day.  But then I could just be a buddy.  But then do you talk to a buddy every day?  Yes, every day Laura calls you or vice versa and same with Beth almost.  Is it too much for me to ask for a normal relationship with a male?  Maybe not “normal” but maybe average, regular, run ‘o the mill?  Tortilla is stuck in my throat.  Erica hasn’t called in a while.  We got into several arguments during the last conversation we had so maybe that’s why.  But she knows that that’s just normal for us and we end up talking about sex in the very next conversation.  I should go to sleep.  Otherwise I might be cranky at work tomorrow.  And I wouldn’t want to cause strife between myself and any of the other workers at my great company.  Ooops, I put myself first, shame on me.  Maybe I should ask him what he’d do if I jumped on him.  He’s say, “I dunno” and giggle.  He’s quite cute but getting more human which is good so he doesn’t make me so nervous.  For some reason I’m not making as much of an effort to keep in touch with Rachel but it’s ’cause I’m busy and don’t have any money, not because I don’t want to talk to her.  I still like her a lot.  Erica has very good taste.  I can understand why she liked her so much.  She’s so pretty and sweet.  Such a pretty smile and a cute little face.  Nice long legs to run my fingers up ….  I guess I do feel sort of guilty for “deflowering” her simply because I knew Erica hadn’t.  But now I know that I do like inexperienced ones because they work from instinct, not from what others have done to them or showed them.  I would just like to kiss Henry, he would be so sweet.

Tags: Diary, phone sex, sexy?, slut

Categories: Diary

---