[This letter falls in with my "[dd/mm/yy]:  A Diary Entry” series chronologically and thematically with teen angst and getting my heart broken by Erica, my first love.]

I’m sorry for not writing sooner.  I’m sure you’re very angry at my neglegence [sic.].  After receiving your letter I was in a minor state of shock.  I wasn’t quite sure as to how I was supposed to respond to the contents of that letter.  I have to admit that I was slightly offended at first.  I know that you read it to me over the phone, but I have to admit that I wasn’t paying full attention when you were reading it.  All I could think was, you knew full well, that, I, would not enjoy something like that.  That it’s not my style, I can’t even say 1/2 the words you wrote in that letter.  Please understand that I’m not at all angry, just a bit disturbed.  I wrote a first letter that was 6 pages long & after reading it again, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t necessarry [sic.] to write such a long letter when you don’t have that much to say.  Besides, it wasn’t a very nice letter.

[The letter to which she referred, the one I had read to her over the phone – when she wasn't listening (and back then we had to pay long-distance bills) – was a sexually explicit letter.  I don't recall the contents, only that it was a pretty elaborate fantasy about how much and in what ways I wanted her to fuck me.  I'm not sure what offended her, as any of the amazing sex I had had up to that point in my life was with her.  I guess it freaked her out to see it on paper.  It would be cool to read how dirty I was back when I was 17.]

Please don’t think that I don’t love you or miss you.  Because I do love you  miss you very much.  But I do have to tell you that the inevitable has happened.  In October I’ll be moving to San Diego – with Juree.  I’m not all the way clear as to how or why or when this all came about but we’re back together, this time its [sic.] permanent.  (I think)  In reality, I’m not sure how long it will last – the security I find in her is as strong as the love I feel for you.  I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you & it still frightens & confuses me.

Well, I’m miserable & depressed as usual, & now I have to sit and wait for some response form you.  You – my purest love is for you, the one I should have left alone.  My young friend who still has the world to conquer with that walk & stance.  Sitting alone in my room day after day, I feel as if I’m being forced to think of my life & my mistakes, although its [sic.] been less than a speck of dust on the times hourglass, I can’t help but realize how full it’s been.  Suddenly, I feel too grown up for my own good.  I talked to my mother recently & before she hung up, she noted the difference in my use of words, & attitude.  Maybe its [sic.] because I have forced myself into being more responsible & less immature.  My senior year was my childhood & now I’m ready to be grown up now.  Unfortunately I’m falling into deep deppression [sic.] that I can’t seem to shake.  I have a hard time communicating with my friends.  They’re getting very irritated at me because I’ve mellowed out so much.  No more handcuffs, dog chains, thick black eyeliner.  No more fighting or be [sic.] obnoxious to jocks, no more white laces or swastikas, no more red braces.  My hairs [sic.] even its natural color.  No more S/M.  There was a time when I swore up & down that I would never calm down.  You don’t know how much I wish I were you right now, still wanting everything.  Always needing something to do.  Now I’m happy to be alone in my room.  I eat twice a week & Juree calls to make sure Im [sic.] still healthy & going outside every once in a while.  She watches out for me.  To her Im [sic.] all to predicable she knows what I’m going to do before I do it.  I think that’s why I need her so much.  When it comes to my life, she’s one step a head [sic.] of me.

Please always remember, you are forever in my heart, so imbedded [sic.] in my soul, no one in this world could ever take you away from me.  I love you, the way a vampire loves his fledgling, so much that he would make him just so he could have him forever, even if they part ways, there’s always a bond so deep, only death separates them.  I hope you understand all that I’ve written & will forgive me for any unhappiness I caused you.  I will see you & we will have our night together.  I want it, I need it.  I love you.

[What a load of utter shit.  She tells me an explicit letter I wrote disturbed her, that she's getting back together with the girlfriend before me, that she's both depressed and more mature, and that, lucky me, some day we'll fuck again.  I recall at the time I received the letter that I was completely dumbfounded that she would react so poorly to something hot I'd written for her.  I wasted my talent, dammit.]

Tags: D/s, Diary, disaster, fantasy, guest writer, phone sex, words count

Categories: Diary, guest writer

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