The truth, Erica, what you really feel, not something you make yourself say because it’s convenient and easy. Do you even know what the truth is anymore? What do you really feel? Who can’t you really stop thinking about? Why do you string me along? Do you think you can pull it of for a long time? ‘Cause you won’t. I won’t put up with your shit. I believe you because you’ve told me to trust you. Why the fuck do I have to be the stupid one? I’m just a thing for you to play with, as I have always been. I have a feeling that the “I just decided 16 minutes ago to be just friends,” was not a joke.  Nobody even jokes about something unless they really mean it, and especially you.  Like about the wild frenzy in Sacramento.  Well, you can fuck off!  That’s official.  It took a lot of shit for me to be able to do it but I’m too good for you.  I’m nice to you.  I would never dream of cheating on you.  You did warn me that you couldn’t promise that you wouldn’t cheat o me, and I thought I could handle it, but with anyone but her.  You lover her.  You need her.  You want her.  You lust her.  I’m just some little substitute who’s convenient.  You’ve been so right all those times you told me I could get a helluva lot better than you.  I deserve more.  And I want more.  Why me?  I guess I was closest and most willing.  You can give me a call when you’ve gotten over her.  Maybe I’ll want you but likely I will have recovered from my mental breakdown.  What pisses me off the most is that this probably isn’t even hurting you.  I want to hurt you as much as you’re hurting me.  I’ve been honest from the start.  I even told you that at the beginning you were just a game.  But have you been honest with me?  I don’t think so.  It’s not me you want to talk to at night, it’s not me you think about all the time.  IT’S ALL HER.  You always get mat at me when I question you about Juree but I think it’s only because you don’t really want to tell me that i”m right.  I want you to love me.  I want you to care about me.  But I don’t think you can do that and I don’t think you want to do that because of Juree.  She’s your “real” relationship and I’m your side thing, just like it was with Amy.  She liked her lot, I refuse.  Why can’t you love me like I want you to?  The only thing I want is to be loved and adored.  IN return I would would probably worship you and the ground you walk on.  But you can’t be forced into something you don’t want and have no desire to do.  I don’t want to look stupid but I think it’s too late.  Why did I think you’d be any different with me?  Why did you fool me by telling me you loved me?  You don’t love me.  You want me to be with you for company.  You need someone, anyone to be with.  So you picked me.  You haven’t fallen in love with me, I can only wish you have.  I’m someone who’ll be with you so you think you love me.  I can only wish someone would think about me so much that they write my name in their arm.  Did you only give me the chain to make me shut up?  Because it worked.  I would rather have you been honest with me and told me you weren’t ready for commitment with me than do something just to make me be quiet.  I knew when I saw it that you weren’t ready but I tried to make myself believe that you really did love me.  I wish you did.  But you don’t and I can’t make you.  That is the only thing I don’t have control of in this game.  And the only thing I can’t buy off.  I’m not sure if I love you.  I feel good when I’m with you and your warmth makes me happy.  But is that love?  I don’t know what love is and I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced it.  I only know that I want to take care of you and make you forget you’ve ever had any problems and I want to hold you.  But I’m not the one you need for that, I wish to God I were.  I want to be your friend but that’s goign to be so hard for me to see you every day and not be able to do anything.  I don’t mean sex either.  I just mean be w/you.  I would be angry if I always had to see you happy and pursuing others while the whole time I want to be with you.  Well, I am strong and I can do it.  But I wonder if you know what you do to people or if you just do it blindly.  Only you know and I don’t think you’re gonna tell.  I told you I loved you because that’s what I thought would win you over to me.  But she’ll always be better until you yourself get over her.  I want you to be mind and you weren’t fair by leading me to believe I had you.  But you only want me for companionship?  Is that what it is?  Or what?  What is sex to you?  You say you don’t really care about it but you seem to use it to your advantage a lot.  But then I guess I do that too.  I’m learning now what kind of power I have but unfortunately not much over you.  I don’t like not having control or being able to make people do what i want.  I usually can, you see.  Oh well.  I wish I could have you but why bother fighting a losing battle?  What’s the use?  I could stay in and continue as I have been but I know I’m worth more than that.  I deserve to have someone love and adore me because I am a good person and I have nver done anything to anyone to be worthy of any less.  I feel as if I’m deserting you but you can only be deserted if you want what is leaving .  You don’t want me and never have.  You only wanted to be with someone, anyone in the short time you weren’t with Juree.  The nights you spent with Amy and then me.  For a while I was satisfied with being an object but now I can see that I need to stop being so dependent on others that I sacrifice myself in devoting to them.  I was angry but now I’m numb.  I don’t care because you won’t care because you only care about her.  I truly am sorry that she won’t have you back.  Maybe if you continue to be a part of her life, if you show her there’s no way for her to get away from you and your love for her, maybe then she’ll see how much with all your life you love her and will always be waiting for her.  Maybe if you show her.  She loves you, I know and hate to admit it.  No one can turn their feelings off that quickly.  Now you’ll talk to me about the tactics you can use to get her back and I’ll tell you what to do because I know she’s all you want and I’ll want to be a good friend.  But it will hurt and I’ll want to scream.  If there was someone else for me you wouldn’t even care, would you?  I wish you would.  Don’t think that I have all the answers already.  I’m hoping to God that you’ll tell me it’s all untrue and that you are in love with me but I’d rather not set myself up for disappointment.  I think I do love you ’cause why else would it hurt so bad and feel so strongly?  I wish I didn’t feel Everything would be so much easier.

Tags: Diary, manners, threesome

Categories: Diary

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